Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Wife have moved out with my son..........now what

Hi Clayton and MsM
Thanks for your advices and supports.
It is nice to meet you all. I wish I meet you all under different circumstances instead.
My wife's ice may be melting, but I am treating her as a friend.
Like Clayton said, with respect, kindness and love is very important.
If I treat her as my wife, I am afraid my fixing mood will kick in.....I am trying to stop be a fixer little by little.
I keep telling myself. If she wants my opinion on things, she will ask. Otherwise, I just keep my mouth shut.

I did have a slip up several days ago on one of the e-mails. She made an angry comment on how I broke up her R with the OM. She also stated that I was the catalyst on broking up OM's family. Of course, instead of walking away, I fired back my reply to defend my position.......bad mistake. I should have took the high road and said nothing.

Through this, I learned ANGER is my enemy. Patient and calmness are my friends.

I've been reading the Divorce Remedy for a while now. It's funny I found myself keep reading specific section over and over to keep myself grounded. It is very helpful.

Now I am in (GAL) and last resort techniques. I am planning to do some 180.

I will keep you all posted.

NW626

For the past several days, W picked up the phone every time I called. They were all short good night conversations with my son.
I just wish she can open up little bit more. I guess I am just impatient.

Through her site, she switch her mood to "Betrayed" since yesterday.
Yes, I know I am not suppose to check her site out....I just can't help it.
I so wanted to ask her 'what's wrong? Can I help?' Will this count as backsliding?

I am planning to drive down to see my son this weekend. Last time she dropped him off at her mom, so she didn't have to see me. Should I ask her stay put at her Dad's? At least I have a chance to see her. Or should I just let her decide in case she is not ready to see me?

Good thing today, I did more GAL. I joined the local Boys and girls club. At least I can help some kids with their homeworks. I am really looking forward to this.

Let her decide if she want to see you or not. This is still new to her, and she may not be ready. You'll also appear too anxious if you ask to see her. She needs to know you are OK without her.

DO NOT offer to help her emotionally. She needs to know that you are not her saviour anymore. DO NOT let her know that you read her site either.

So GLAD you get to see your son. You must be so excited!

Awesome GAL! Good for you!

Thanks Ladybug
Yea..I am really excited to see my son this weekend if I can.
She actually email me earlier and ask. I told her I haven't decide because of work (which is true).
I also think she wants me to bring down some of their stuff.
I guess I can't really refuse that....but it is so sad to pack your wife and son belongings. It feels like I am sending them away.
I have another coaching session setup tomorrow. I am really looking forward to it.
I am trying to more GAL, no expectation, stay calm, don't be angry and patient.
I am keeping my hope....

I just got home after another 6 hrs drive.
I spent a wonderful weekend with my son. I was so happy to see him. I tears up when I say goodbye this afternoon. I just couldn't hold back. Overall I did much better than last time. I am not sure when I will see him again...hopefully soon.

Like last time, wife dropped him off at her mom, so she doesn't have to see me. I was pretty disappointed but I understand. It just takes time.

I printed out the "Quotes found on Divorcebusting (I, II)" from the New Comers board. It was so helpful. Every time I feel little down, I would just read them. It brought me strength again that I need.

Last several days, I think I finally able to accept what has happened. Strangely, acceptance brought me this peaceful feeling that I haven't have for a long time.
I am giving it all I have in this roller coaster ride no matter what the outcome is. I want to say at the end. I have "No Regrets"....

Because of this crisis, I feel I become a better person day by day, little by little for myself and everyone that I care and love for.

I still have a long long way for this ride. Hopefully it will be the result that I am hoping for.

NW626

Wow! You sound really good- I wish I had some of that PMA! And you have patience through this roller coaster ride- that's great! I am going to read the quotes you mentioned.

I called my son tonight, but the answering machine picked up.
I was kind of bump.
Surprisingly, W called me back even my son wasn't there. He was at T-ball game with his cousin.
W and I talked for like 30 minutes. Mostly is about our son. He changed and grow so much since the last time. It was a friendly chat. I didn't bring up anything about our R. She wants me to pick up one of our dogs back to here with me. I did asked her can I pick up son and dog at her Dad's place instead this time. She hesitated to answer. She said she is not ready to see me. I understand that.
I am not sure what she is thinking now. I feel she still wants the D. I guess tonight is another baby step forward. At least it is moving to the right direction.
I need to be patient....
This is not a easy ride....!!!

I spent another good weekend with my son, but that 6 HRs drive is getting old.
It was also my W's mom birthday. We had a small celebration without my W. It was really strange.
MIL and I are pretty sure the A is done and over. I haven't seen her close to 2 months now. I miss her a lot. She and I are now more like casual friends. We only talked about our son when we communicated. She actually email me and thank me for her mom birthday stuff. She sent me several new pictures of our son.

At the last part, this is what she wrote...
I am not sure what the next step in this process is, but I guess one of us needs to file for a legal separation. I don't think I can do it here since I haven't qualified for 'residency'. But, the laws are same here as they are in GA. I will find out what needs to be done and let you know. Thanks again for everything and call Boo Boo anytime here, at my Sis's or Momma's or my cell phone. You can always reach us at someone's house. Take care.

It seems like she is not turning around. I feel pretty down after reading this.

Should I even bother to reply? She knows how I feel. She knows I want to work on our M.
Or should I just do a 180...saying. "I understand and respect your decision, but I don't agree with it. Please let me know how I can help."

Hi all
I am feeling pretty down at this moment.
First, I broke one of the rules, NO SPYING.
I did, I went on her original so called support site and found her. She is still in love with the OM even the A is over. He dumped her. She thinks he was the love of her life but she can't have him.
I found out she had date setup while I was in town with my son last couple weekends.
I wasn't sure anything happen, but it just hurts. It feels like I was being used. I am the baby sitter and she is out there looking for "Mr Right"....
I an happy that I spent time with my son, but it seems so wrong.
I am not sure what to do. May be there is nothing I can do....!!

NW626

Hi nw626, I'm Sandi and you asked me to drop by and look at your story. It is so common amoung the many other hundreds of stories here on the DB board. That does not make the hurt less for you b/c this is your pain. I will get right to the point and be very plain spoken with you, okay? First of all, resign yourself to the fact that it is going to take a long, long time to get through this. There are no quick fixes, no magic words or spells.......but a lot of prayer does help. Secondly, you must focus on your problems/issues. I'm not talking about the problems and issues you are having with your wife.....I am talking about your personal problems. They are serious and you will never keep any wife that is worth having--if you don't change your anger and controlling ways. Third.....If you broke up the A......she will despise you for it. She will blame you for it. Someday, she may forgive you for it. I hope she can. If the OM had done something to piss her off.....and she would have chosen by her own free will to end the A, then it would have been different. It would have been better that way b/c she would probably have returned to you, but there are no promises about that, either. Even if the OM ended it officially......she blames you for interferring. As crazy as it sounds to the LBH, she feels that you intruded into her private business. I know....sounds crazy, but it is the mind of a WAW. Next, stop the snooping!! Guess who you are hurting the most when you do that? YOU, that is who! You aren't hurting her. You are not showing her spite for the snooping.....what do you gain--except more pain? There is an old saying that "ignorance is bliss" which in this case might be the time to apply it. What you do not know about her feelings for OM at this time, is better for you, b/c she doesn't even understand her own heart and mind. I am telling you this b/c I was almost WAW. I know the feeling. I know the fantasy she wanted to happen and then it didn't and she is going to grieve for this OM for a long time. Do you hear me? She is going to grieve for him longer b/c she was "forced" to end the A. I am not saying what you did was right or wrong.....I am saying that it is easier for her to carry her fantasy love for this OM, b/c she can just blame you for everything not working out. So, it will take longer now. Fifth, do not get your hopes up in one day. B/c I promise you that the next day, they will fall again. Don't believe me? Go back and read your own posts right here. Up and down, up and down. Just b/c she gives you a few kind words, you feel are soft and warm inside....but it means nothing! Sorry to be tough on you....but I'm not beating around and wasting time here....going to tell you like it is. She will take you on a rollercoaster ride like you've never been on before b/c she is going on it herself. We are talking, of course, about emotions and the mentality of it all. Therefore, you must refuse to fall into that trap and do not take that ride with her. The only way you can do that is to get your attention and focus off of her! Listen to me carefully b/c I am saying what you do not want to hear. Start looking at yourself and your problems and your life and "drop the rope" that you are trying to keep her tied to you. You have got to do a lot of self improvement and she is going to have to have a lot of time to work through what she has now. I personally feel that in this particular stitch that you need to totally leave her alone.....and go dark....drop the rope and let her do whatever she wants to do. That may take a long time. You may even detach and decide you no longer want to hold out for her to return to you. But, I believe, you must take the change.

Do not talk about the relationship!! She will try to pull you into an argument....do not do it. Do not answer her emails, text messages, phone calls, nothing.....unless it is about the son or strickly business. If you want to tell her in advance that you think it is best not to try to discuss anything other than those two things.....then at least she would understand why you were not answering her and I personnly think you should tell her in advance.....but don't get off into trying to "explain" the reasons behind it b/c it will lead to a fight or R talk.

You may even want to talk to her parents and see if they would work with you about some communication set up through them when you can call and talk to your son and when you go to get him. The less you see her and talk to her at this time....the better. The more you push her to do what you want......the more she will back away from you. Hard? You are darn right it is hard! The hardest job you have ever had to face. But, if you will work extremely hard to make the needed changes in yourself and leave her alone.......then there may be hope at the end of a looooong tunnel.

You see, she is too mad at you and she is probably going to be mad at you for a long time. So, you might as well forget any of the ideas you had of any quick fixes. No easy formulas. No best friends.....none of that stuff is going to work here, IMHO. Time, space, and long distance will help her to miss you and when she does get a few glimpses of you from time to time, she may start to notice the changes.....or she may hear about it through her folks or others. However, you are never, ever to say anything to her about them (your changes). Those changes are not for her. They are to make you a better man.....and you need to be a better man!

You will not like my plan for you, but I hope you will give it very serious thought. If she pushes for a D, I would tell her that you do not want a D, that you want to save the M, but that you believe both of you need some time and space. However, if she proceeds, you cannot control her actions. That is droping the rope. Letting her go. You realize you can do nothing. she is free to do whatever she will do. But, you must go on with your life and make the most of it whether she is part of your life or not. Many spouses threaten divorce that never carry through with it. Do not do anything to help her get a D. Leave it all up to her. It buys you more time. Hopefully, while you are working hard on yourself, she will be healing from the A and getting over the OM and getting her act together and realize that her H is the man she really wants. But, she needs to miss you. She is seeing only the bad side of you. Until you learn to control your anger.....that is what she will continue to see. You will never draw her back that way. Both of you need time to heal. Am I saying to divorce her? Absolutely not! Give her time and space. Drop the rope. You will not like this b/c you want to control her life. You want to force her to live with you. She is a free individual person with a mind of her own and needs to feel that she is like that--in order for you to get her back. What do you have to lose? At this point......you do not have her! Have you realized that? You have already lost her, so you need to drop the rope you are holding so tightly to--and let her go--and pray that in time, she will freely and willingly go back home to you.

I realize that I have spoken bluntly, but I think you are man enough to take it. These are what I think your options should be.....for what it is worth.

I wish you the best and if I can help or answer any questions, please let me know.

Take care,
Sandi