Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? I guess it's over

Hey Nik- want to catch you before you log off, so I will keep this short; in fact I haven't even read your whole post yet..
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When I asked what to do- it is because Dom is suggesting I write a letter and not just fade to dark.

I can easily go dark and GAL. No problem there- and I have been. I went out Friday, Saturday, will go out tomorrow night...oh yeah, I wanted to post this to get feedback on the letter idea.

Oh!! Gotcha Trixi... sorry when you said you didn't know how to "run with the ball" I thought that generally "moving on" is what you meant. Sounds like you're doing great with that!!

I read Dom's letter idea and also Jody's advice and wow.. I could really go either way. I see Dom's point that otherwise things may just slowly fade as he sees "this avenue is no longer open." But it also just seems like the timing is really wrong. He's not asking to be around you - he's asking for the opposite in fact.

I think if it were me... I might WRITE the letter now, to get very clear on what it is that you want/need if he does in fact decide he wants to be in your life (and vice versa) again. But maybe give it a little bit of time and see what happens in terms of the contact. I tend to agree with Jody that he'll probably contact you. When he does, be prepared to be strong, independent, and demand respect through ACTION. Know in your mind what the "rules" are, and how you plan to enforce them. i.e. in the past I mentioned his wishy-washy "maybe" half-dates... nope.

You could also tell him that you're going dark and why (briefly!) but leave out the "you must do XYZ if you want to spend time with me" part.

I know.. big help.. I DO think I'd write the letter, just not sure about GIVING it to him, at least at this particular point in time.

I hope Dom is still hanging around because I am very curious to hear a little bit more about his idea.
I do agree, though, that my H *is* trying to avoid me, so it would probably do no good to make demands on him and in fact, only galvanize his position.

I am stopping the Spanish because it was intended for us to use on a trip to Spain. And that ain't happening. If I were to learn a different language, my first choice would actually Italian.
So, I just cancelled the Spanish lessons (thank goodness you mentioned it because I forgot) and I am going to look into Italian because I would LOVE to go to Italy.
Spain is good, too, sure, but if I am going to be going on my own, I pick Italy.

But before I get to go on any exotic trips, I need to SELL SOME HOUSES. Holy LORD, I am freaking out!! I feel like I am in a string of bad luck right now. People around me are selling; UGH!

okiedoke

I will "compare and contrast" what Jody suggested for you, compared to what I wrote. (or at least, my limited view on what Jody must be suggesting for you)

Jody is presumably suggesting the "let things cool off, let him come to his senses, let him pursue you" track. And eventually, if you keep "playing hard to get", but still being semi-available to him, perhaps he will come closer to where you would like him to be.
[inch by inch, in a coupla years. maybe. that's my personal comment there ]

In contrast, I'm saying "time for hard-core plan B for you". This is it. The line in the sand. The "shape up, or ship out" boundary. "This is what it takes to be with Trixi. If you arent interested in actually putting in some WORK for me, then you dont deserve me. buh-bye".

Seems fairly clear that the "wait for him to wake up by himself" tack, doesnt have much lasting effect on him at this point, though. Either because he's just too greedy, or becuase you cant bring yourself to be consistently "hard to get".
I dont think you're that kind of person. I think that YOU will benefit from setting down some rules, because then if he agrees to them, you will be able to point to the rules, and things will be clear.

I also think that it will be easier for you, to stick to the "dont talk to him until he agrees to the ground rules" method, than for you to play hard to get.
It protects YOU, from getting hurt over and over again, when he half-way approaches you, and you get your hopes up and cave in again.. and again...and again...

That's what a "plan B" is really for.



As a side comment, You wrote earlier, something like you worry that you'd "never be able to find someone to match him".
ARE YOU KIDDING??? He's a SCHMUCK. He may be a charming schmuck, but he's still a schmuck.

There are nice guys out there, and they would jump at the chance to find a kind, available woman like yourself, with NO CHILDREN. 90% of available women at your age, have children to deal with. You dont, so you are automatically ahead of the pack there
Most men will run away from a woman with children. Or at least, run away from LIVING WITH/MARRYING such a woman. Have sex with em? fine... but not a true relationship, in their book.

I read somewhere, that one of the biggest causes of 2nd romance/marriage failing, is actually children from a "prior relationship". So, you'd have it easy there.



Aaaanyway...
You've tried the "be enticing, gently, and let him wander around and show appreciation for you" approach that Jody suggests.
(although you chased after him too much before).
Didnt seem to work, from my viewpoint.
Unless you can figure out why it didnt work before, and figure out how you have the power to "make it different, this time"... sounds like you should do something different now?



There now. I replied to you again. Hope you're happy. We'll see how much damage this has done to my situation in a few days, I suppose



Hope you manage to sell some houses. Tough gig right now.

Gosh, I sure hope it doesn't do damage to your sitch!!! Glad to hear you have had some positive movement. If you feel compelled to share, I'd be interested.



I dunnnnoooooo.....I think that giving him a laundry list of requirements when he is obviously not interested will set things back even further. (Is that possible?)



Thank you for that! I really appeciate the alternate view. I never even considered that.



What works- me being independent.
What doesn't work- pressure; neediness; expecting him to act like a H
What I will do- move on.
He has hurt me long enough. I don't trust him with my heart. I think it's too late anyway. He is tired of going thru this, too. We have gone thru this 'push me/pull me' game for too long, I'm wiped out.
I think I *will* write a letter of what I want/expect and *if* he starts to show an interest again, I will present it to him or at the very least review it to make sure he is making the grade.

I think back to OT's watercooler post and imagine the unwanted friend marching up and saying "If you want to be my friend, THIS is what you will do!" If I am of the frame of mind that I don't to be responsible to this person, having them DEMAND I act a certain way is going to make me *positive* I don't want to deal with them.

My frame of mind feels different this time-- which is why I need get the requirements down on paper now.
And those requirements are going to apply to any guy that wants to spend time with me.

[quote=Trixi]

Now there's a man who can't accept responsibility for being the lead in the relationship. He's vague and superficial and blaming. I've been reading stuff on men and women and one of the more controversial ideas I think I agree with is that the man leads. If he leads with compassion and strength and in such a way that the woman doesn't have to mother him, then all will be fine. No blaming or looking for someone to comfort him after he weeps that someone else is to blame. But this guy just blames other people for his failings. Wuss. I agree with Dom. Ditch him. You can and will do better.

By all means learn Italian. I know Italian...great language. Very easy to pronounce although verb conjugations is a pain in the *ss.

I'm talking to Jody tonight as well. We'll see how things go.

You're right. that would be totally inappropriate for "a friend". And also inappropriate for someone you are trying to impress, or attract.

However, does that describe your situation? No.
He's already attracted to you. He just doesnt respect you.

PS: I should have said "he doesnt respect you, or value you either".

Because he can have you when he wants on a whim, and ignore you when he wants, with no consequences for him.
You have never put down a standard of treatment for him to treat you well. Hence, no value, and no respect from him. He treats you with no respect because, to use his own words: you let him get away with it.

ALSO.... you did your "I know you'll be back" thing. worst thing you could possibly have said.
One of these times, he'll not come back, just to spite you and prove you wrong about that.
You ARE wrong about it; he will not always come back.

Actually, I agree with you. But it is a VERY fine line. I think, for me, I want a true partnership where EACH person is taken into consideration and a mutually beneficial life is created.


My biggest beef with Spanish is the trilling the r's. I hope there is no trilling in Italian.
Spanish was fine, but there is just *something* about Italian. It just 'sounds' so much better to me. More romantic..Passionate.



Yes, in retrospect I wish I would have held my tongue on that one.
No way to unring that bell, so I will have to just say "if he wants to come back and doesn't just to "prove" something to me; then he must not have wanted to come enough."

Besides- Do I really want him back? Not if he is going to act like he has been. Do I *really* want to constantly be walking on eggshells, worried about what is coming down the pike?
He would need to treat me in a very different way and "proving me wrong" is not part of it. The way he's been treating me recently could definitely that sort of "I'll show you" component; if that is all he has to offer, I am NOT interested.

Conversing with my XBF has actually opened my eyes. (And not how you think.) He is coming on SO strong that I think I am getting a glimpse of how my H felt. My frame of mind right now is to survive this and maybe, MAYBE, go out on some non-threatening dates. Nothing serious; nothing leading anywhere. Just get out and do stuff; keep things light and fun. VERY LIGHT.
XBF is talking about how he has always loved me; learned what he needed to learn; I'm 'the one'; he's so gah gah right now, he is talking about marrying me. I did tell him he needs to BACK OFF. That he is freaking me out and that I still have no idea where I am going to end up. That I need time to heal. And I am thinking that maybe w/xbf, it is the same as how my H feels about me- too much, too late.
In my mind, it seems like it would just be so much easier to start from scratch. Not have to "rebuild" anything. I don't "feel" strongly about the xbf anymore. Sure, I care about him, but..well, we all know the rest of the sentence. And he is thinking so much about a possible future with me--while I am thinking that maybe I can meet a man that won't hurt me.

But like I said before, my first "goal" is to survive this process. Whatever it is. In the middle of the night, I am waking up with my heart beating out of my chest. I do NOT want a D. But if I am going to move on, I will need to get one.

Some people jump from "tenaciously hanging on", right into divorce.
I personally think that is a mistake, and the better thing for everyone involved, is to fire a crystal clear "warning shot" first.

A plan B letter, can do that well, if you decide to head in that direction. Particularly if you are explicit about,
"This is what it takes to be with me. I will wait for a short time for you to make up your mind. but i will NOT wait for long".