Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Quiet...(39?)

Kalni,
Mercury is going backwards right now and until 15 October (and the effects last for a week or too after I think) in Libra... its ALL about reconnecting with the past and to do with relationships, particulatly an ex-lover, an ex or someone that comes back into your life for the purpose of saying the things that should have been said before. This period is linked to the other Mercury retrogrades stretching back until June 2007. Its the only way to move forward, regardless of what he says (I dont know, could be good or bad, but I doubt its bad). This is why I was brave and emailed my ex and yes, I was shaking when I did it.

I dont think its going to be as scary as you think, but if you keep blocking the universes attempt to let you have this, you may not get another chance. And afterall, its only words.

I agree with T.. you keep SAYING you are happy and smiling, but your actions indicate that you're hurting?
Al xxxx

Good afternoon K,

I hope you are having a good day. Like everyone else, I am also wondering what is going on inside SUNSHINE. However, I did notice that you are posting much less on your thread and on others'. Usually that means one of two things...computer "problems" or you are taking a step back.

Whatever the reasons i am hoping that you are doing ok. If you wish to share with us, we will be here to listen and perhaps even learn....if not, that is also fine. At the end of the day what is important is that YOU are happy with your choices.

I miss you....

John and everyone,

I dont know what to post anymore. And to be honest I dont know how to express myself lately. It seems that everybody thinks I would lie about not being Ok with the outcome. Well I am not OK with the outcome, I dont like the fact that my M ended but I am OK. And I am smiling inside (and if Idaho was part of Greece I would be thrilled).

I am not OK feeling hostage of my xH, of financially struggling a bit (cant complain but it is frustrating), of dealing with my kids hurt and accusations, of watching xH lingering and acting as if we are still a couple but only about the parts he is interested in, of having to set boundaries as if I was the one wishing the divorce, of trying to balance between being polite and right and being a b!tch so that he finally GETS it... Why do I have to TRAIN him how to divorce me?

I only see one way coming clean with this. Filling myself and hoping he will follow and not object as he has repeatedly has said he would in the past.

And I will hear him out hoping he will not ask to try to mend things. That is what I am scared of. I dont know how many of you can get that feeling...
I will post some later
K

You have said for months now you are almost afraid he would want to try again. My attempt to understand that is

--He has hurt you, you have shut yourself off to having a future with him, it took a lot of energy and time; and to try to undo that would take so much more, you almost prefer not to have that option

--You are content with the "role you were given" in this. Your H left YOU, YOU have grown and become a better, stronger person, ready to move on with the life that has been handed to you since your H walked out the door a year (wasn't it a year?) ago...

--If your H decides he wants you back, and you are content to have your new life without him (if he would just stop being irritating and trying to keep the parts of life with him that HE likes keeping without keeping the WHOLE life with you):

--You would feel bad if he tried to get "back" with you and you said no, b/c then in your eyes it would mean YOU were leaving the relationship, YOU were deciding to "deprive" your children of a possible life with their mom and dad together, YOU would become the "bad guy" b/c now H wants a marriage and family life and you don't.

Am I even close to your thoughts????

No, you explain yourself well.

I get it at least.

Because I feel the same way. I can walk back and forth to work thinking about random things that make me smile or humming, but the stress of trying to deal with the situation STBXH has put me in does get to me, and I feel like I am also going to have to be the one to get the D going since he is being dumb about it all. I am not where I wanted to be, not where I ever planned to be, but I am making the best of it.

If my STBXH came to me right now and said he wanted to get back together, I don't know what I would do. I'm sure it would emotionally throw me for a loop. I would be very torn between my promises and the love I still have for the person I M, and my digust and distrust of the person he has become along with the need to protect myself from being hurt by him yet again.

At least, that's what I see in your posts, but maybe I'm just seeing a mirror of myself and not your true state of mind lol.

Regardless, TGIF

((((((Kalni))))))

I may be projecting on you, K. B/C now that my H has moved home, there are times he is so frustrating b/c he is HERE but not HERE if you know what I mean, that I almost want to kick him back out. But then I am the mean mommy who made daddy go away....

All this has got me thinking....what if .....what if W wanted to try again.
I am not going to kid myself, I know i would give it another shot. However, I would propose that we saty in seperate homes and date for at least 6 months. I don't really know what that would accomplish but that is what I would do. I think we tend to jump back in too quickly sometimes.
Enough about me.....back to K....whatever you do, hear him out and ask for some time to mull it over...above all try to stay calm and happy.

"And I will hear him out hoping he will not ask to try to mend things. That is what I am scared of. I dont know how many of you can get that feeling..."

To me.. this is usually the time when people communicate the best.

If you go back to the old saying "No Emotion" does this situation not allow for that to happen?

We all know that H cares for you and you care for him. He just does not know how to "express" it. He does not know how to "Do Work".

I would love to hear what he would say if you asked him "How have I changed?"

It NEVER fails.. the second you really let go.. I mean really let go.. something changes. I don't know what it is.. or how to explain it.. but the OP can "sense" it.. and as long as it lingers there(within you).. things stay the same.

You still have to make the decision on whether to "Do Work" or not. That is all you. He can't make that decision for you.. even if he proceeds with the D.

"Do not be afraid of sharing hairy english with us either."

I saw that.

Wow, well then there is a lot of really good digging going on here, to 'get to the bottom' of things.

I like your post Bobbi and also, yes, I guess we all end up projecting somewhat where we are at, its understandable isnt it. I am curious how much we are acting at all from fear? I think we all do, us LBS and our ex's, in different degrees. I think that stuff I posted on my thread today was very very interesting and seems to be in the air in the conversations going on on the boards by the looks of it!

And hey, you dont need to defend yourself to us!
Al xxx

(((Kalni)))
I don't have much to add, but I did want to just stop by and give you hug and say that I am following.
Jx