May I ask how long you've been married, how old you two are and if you have children and what their ages are? You haven't told us very much in that area. Sometimes it helps us just to get a better picture of things.
Was there some other problems in the M before you suspected an affair going on?
Have you read the DR book or just the threads here on the board. I don't think you understand what "going dark" is all about. There are two ways of approaching this stitch, you can go the DB route and go by all the do's and don'ts and outshine the OM and "wait" until she finally comes out of the fog and decides she wants the better man.....which is you. Or, you can confront her and deal with the results of that, which can go either way....she could walk out after knowing you know about the affair, or she could be remorseful and end the affair. It is a gamble either way. I personally am not in favor of exposing the affair to other people unless it is the absolutely last resort. If they flaunt the affair openly and you have children and parents that could hear from others, then that is something to consider. Otherwise, I personally believe it is a matter that needs to be dealt with between the couple. If there is a chance of a STD and the OM is M, then I think it only fair to alert his W. But, you need to be prepared for anything to happen as a result of telling anyone. It depends on your lifestyle, if you live in a small community, if you are involved in a church, if your family is well known in your town. There are a lot of people to consider....other than just the ones in the affair. If the affair has been kept secret, then maybe it can be resolved (ended) without innocent people (like the extended family) being embarrassed and humiliated in public. If you confront your wife and tell her that if the A is not ended that you will tell the family......it might cause her to stop out of fear of their rejection or disappointment in her. You just never know how a person will react to a "threat". She could go either way. I don't like the idea of H's or W's exposing the A to "everyone" they know just to pressure them to end the A. They may stay in the M with you, but what kind of R will you have? Although, some claim it has worked, but I think there are some rough bumps in the road afterward....IMHO.
I know I haven't helped. Just given you more to consider. These are just my thoughts, for whatever it's worth.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
MC thinks that this would put the nail in the coffin for her to think that I am an ogre and unredeemable, but I am not the one with the low moral and ethical code at the moment
\ Your MC is an idiot. You WILL look like an ogre at first, because you spoiled her fun, but she'll get over it. Just confront, put your foot down, then proceed to make the best of yourself so she doesn't have to look at an ogre.
P.S. I was just suggesting confronting her about the affair, not telling the whole world. I may tell OM wife as well because I hate cheating.
Last edited by Phoenixdeux; 11/04/0804:40 PM.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I'm new here and really can't offer any suggestions at this point, but I was struck by something you wrote.
Quote:
This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I am watching my best friend self destruct in front of my eyes. Some days the turmoil in her addled mind is oozing out and I vassilate from pained empathy to "serves you right!"
I just wanted to say that I feel the same way. My H is having an affair, but he told me about it on his own (I should have suspected, I knew he was having an EA, but he told me that it had ended. Should have known better...), so I can't really contribute to the discussion at hand. All I really wanted to tell you is that I am learning very quickly here that there are so many people who are going through the same things, and it helps me when I read things like what you wrote because it makes me feel not so "alone". So, I thought, maybe knowing someone else feels the same way would somehow bring you some comfort.
I wish you luck with your situation. It's hard loving someone so much who has caused you so much pain, isn't it?
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
Expose to OWH, H, your kids and to OW and H's HR department if they work together. Also to your husband's parents and siblings.
Be calm, respectful and factual when you do it and say that you are standing for your marriage.
Your husband will be furious with you. Livid beyond belief - but you guys will survive the anger. The anger will subside after about 48 hours and will put lots of pressure on their fantasy bubble.
I have NEVER EVER regretted exposing my wife's affair. Not for a single second.
When I arrived back to the family home in Australia which we share with her Dad she was venomous, furious and a vile hag to live with. But, I was very unflappable, composed and cheerful and after a period of days the rage turned to depression and bewilderment. THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT!
Expose, and let the chips fall where they may.
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
