Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Quiet...(39?)

Hi Lisa,
Thanks for your thoughts about my dad. I am ok. I think.

Solution based way? I asked for a schedule of his trips. He said he cant give it to me. I asked to arrange Christmas/New Years Eve's vacation with the kids. He said he cant tell me until the first ten days of Dec. I said that is no good, I need to arrange my vacation. He then, upset, told me to go ahead and "book my vacation" and he will make sure he has the kids the time I will be away. I then pushed even more (on purpose for fun) and mentioned Easter. He almost had a heart attack, LOL!!!

I make sure I talk about my house, my plans,my family, my friends. I dont allow any room for common activities and never initiate light discussions not related to our kids.

I am making sure he knows that the CS money must be in my account on the 1st-2nd of the month and not like this month that "he forgot to give me the money". I make sure I am not "asking for favors" anymore and demanding calmly his involvement/participation to the kids' life.

I am talking to him this week. I have decided I will talk to him. Just need to see how my dad goes and find a quiet time to write down what I need to tell him and listen to what he wants to tell me.

Any suggestions?
K

((((Madame))))

LOL about the pushing for Easter! I kind of like the idea of you just booking your holiday and letting him sort himself out. Is that the kind of thing he would usually do? If so it might be time for a taste of his own medicine. Everything else makes sense, especially all the talking about your plans. I know that feeling well, and I know my H will never discuss his plans.

I like the plan of talking to him. I think it will be good to get the air cleared and to say how you feel. I think it will also be interesting to hear what he has to say. I guess you'll arrange the time when you know more about your Dad. Will you do it face to fac?

L. xx

((((Kalni)))))

I am so sorry your dad has taken this bad turn. Keep us posted on his condition. I will continue praying for him and you.

I understand the frustration of not having any plans in advance. My STBX won't even commit to the upcoming weekend let alone a vacation time in December. Of course he doesn't have a steady job right now either so he's not sure what he's doing most of the time (not that he has admitted to me that he is working at the gas station). I like that you are giving him an opportunity to make a plan regarding the kids but moving on with your own plans regardless. He's just too wrapped up in himself to consider how his lack of planning affects you and the kids. So, let him sit and spin on it! That's my opinion of it anyway.

Let us know what you will be talking with him about and maybe we can help you to iron out some things with positive speech so that you remain very calm but upbeat and catch him off guard. Who knows? Maybe it could lead to more non-contentious discussions in the future.

(((((((Kalni)))))))

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I hope you get a pleasant surprise, and things get better!

It sounds like your STBX is having trouble realizing that there are real consequences for the path he has chosen. I think you are helping him figure it out. I'm glad you are going to talk to him. I think it will be good to get everything out, and talked about. Maybe then he will understand things a bit better.

It sounds like your trip went really well. The ocean is a bit of a pain, isn't it!

Hey Kalni,
I understand what you mean about the Pisceans together.. my BMF was born the same week as us, same age and his feelings and realisations have mirrored mine this year, down to the day, but for entirely different reasons! But its really helped that he understands. His W is coming back in early December though.

I'm so sorry to hear that your Dad has had another setback, that must make things with your stbx harder to navigate, as if you dont have enough on your mind right now! And your Dad is more important and you need energy for that right.

As for suggestions...Jody said alot of very useful things to me that would enable me and my ex to talk to one another, without there being blame, or recriminations or anger, because sometimes we take up a position that is polarising and creats chasms and that blocks honest communication. Sounds like you just want a cards on the table type talk? I can post what she said later if you like.

This week is excellent for this type of talk (Mercury has now caught up with the Sun and reversing still, so time to have the conversation you meant to have months ago).. but later in the week is best, not tonight or tommorow night. Thats my advice!

Al xxx

Sorry to hear about your dad. I'll be thinking about you and your family.

Sounds like your STBXH is finally starting to experience some consequences of the path he is taking.

I am glad you will talk to him. Hopefully that will make things clearer.

((((((Kalni)))))

((((((((((K)))))))))))

I hope things turn for the better for your Dad.. and I hope there is some closure for you when you get the chance to talk with your stbxh.

Hugs,
W2G

Kalni,

I just want to give you some Kudos for hanging in their and being so patient. Also, some extra Kudos for not pursuing Woog too much when he was not dialoging with you on your thread.

Thanks Kerry, I now have Kudos too!!! You are a good friend.
S

K, Looks like you're still stuck in neural for now. Except for your visit to NYC of course ...