Hoosiermama brings up a good point. Although, I haven't been shunned by any of our mutual friends, none of them have shunned him either. They have taken the stance they think he was wrong, but they care about both of us and don't want to lose either one of us. I guess this is a good thing though, if we did ever reconcile then it wouldn't be uncomfortable for him to be around those friends. I don't have any relatives that live close by so that's not a factor. Now he on the other hand has his parents and parents. I must say that he has evidently convinced his mother that I'm a terrible person, because she befriended OW! Just remember blood is thicker than water!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
In my situation, my wife has only confided in two of her friends who she knows are supportive of her, no-matter what. They haven't shunned me. My wife doesn't want our common friends to know and hasn't told her parents.
I've spoken to some of my friends, who were also family friends, they haven't shunned her.
In my situation I drove 5 hours to "catch" H with OW in his hotel room on a supposed business trip, which he charged to his company. (I think he saw clients on the Friday but planned to stay all weekend w/OW a the hotel).
The result was OW went back home and told her H and he filed for divorce. This is what she wanted all along, to get out of her marriage and be more available for H.
H called his parents and sisters and told them "before I could tell them" which I hadn't planned on doing.
In some ways it was better b/c I didn't have to fake that things were great in front of H's family. In some it was worse b/c OW was freed up to spend even more time w/H. Her ex-H had her son 1/2 the time so she didn't even have to get a sitter, which made her much more available for fun nights out than I was.
However, I learned from experience that trying to plan things, activities, etc. to keep H "away" from her was pointless. If they want to find time together, they will. And if they want to be close, they will. They may blame you exposing the A for their bonding closer, but that is crap. They want to be closer and use anything you do to make it happen and blame you.
I personally felt better after exposing H b/c I knew I wasn't "Crazy", my suspicions were well founded. And H couldn't pretend to be the wounded party anymore, which he used to "disappear" previously.
I think exposing can be a good thing. I just chose not to expose to his friends or mine b/c I wanted to be able to have a social life without always talking about my Marriage. I only told H and OW that I knew, and then H told his family so I had to tell mine. (Immediate family/parents only, no extended relatives needed to know, IMO).
Good luck with your decision.
I just got to the point where I felt pathetic hugging and kissing H and welcoming him home if I knew he had just been with OW.
I took Theo's nuclear option and it worked for me.
There was already partial exposure as my H's staff knew about the A as he was having it with one of his employee's. Family and friends didn't really know. My H had told one friend the day before I knew about it but that was all. My H was surprised by the reaction of others when exposure took place but neither of us was shunned. We were very lucky that people were supportive of both of us once they knew our intentions.
I think that shunning takes place when others feel embarrassed by the situation and don't know how to react....so they walk away.It's the safer option than put their foot in it or be expected to take sides. We were very clear with our friends that whatever the outcome our friends meant a lot to us and we were NOT going to ask them to take sides. Luckily, as we reconciled, we never really had to test that resolve.
Personally, I could not have lived with pretending to others that everything was ok when it wasn't. I was never in the position that I had to do that with my H as he was the one to tell me he had been having an A. Also, I think an important factor was that the A had been going on for 18 months when he told me about it....so the shine had worn off a bit.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Was at MC this week and a discussion took place that led her to the brink of confessing the A. The MC thinks that if we had another 45 minutes (this happened in the last 10 minutes and there was a following appointment with another couple), she would have broken down and self-exposed. She was clearly pained and confused and starting to make self-blaming comments ("maybe I am the one who is broken...") and remorse.
He thinks that the next session or 2 will be the turning point for her.
When the W has confessed the affair without being outed, what has been the outcome for others here?
Are they more likely to want to work on the M and R or if they are still stuck in the MLC, do I always have to look out for another EA/PA? The MC thinks that of she self-exposes, I will have more "leverage" in the outcome and will be more likely to repair the M and get more interest from W for repair of the R.
Accusing (or even just wanting to know if) the betrayed spouse is also having an affair is very much "script" for wayward spouses. They're more comfortable if they can get the marriage back to some sort of moral equivalency. I hope you had some fun with it and said something like "Oh, I would NEVER do that! I take my wedding vows very seriously," or some such.
As for your original question, "confrontation" and "exposure" are really two different things. It's possible to confront your wife without her affair, without exposing it to anyone else, and I suppose (although I don't know why you'd do this) you could expose her affair to others without ever confronting her. In any event, your header talks about whether or not to EXPOSE, yet your line of questioning seems more to be whether or not to CONFRONT.
As spirited as the debates have been around here regarding EXPOSURE (I'm generally strongly in favor; DB, generally, is not), I don't know why ANYONE would not want to at least CONFRONT their own spouse about their unfaithfulness? I'm sorry if I've missed something here, but why would you NOT want to have an honest conversation with your wife that you know about what she's doing, and let her know that you're not willing to live in an open marriage?
Puppy, DB'ing also says not to snoop. But you speak of letting the WAS know that you don't live in an open marriage and I agree with that.
Here's my dilemma. I know that my W is on an online dating website. It's a different one now than before. She doesn't know that I know about this one. She's describing herself as single, het she's not. If I wasn't snooping, I wouldn't know these things; but if I expose then she knows I'm snooping.
Seems I'm in a quandry about what to do at this point.
I already have talked to a couple friends about the situation whose confidence is without question and have been giving me some support if only a shoulder upon which to cry.
I guess I really mean "confront" rather than expose and have the conversation with her. But the MC still thinks that her doing a self-confession is much better for the R than confrontation. I will say that the MC has been a fantastic coach and has kept me from "jumping out of the closet" and EXPOSING them and has been completely correct about her slow breakdown in the sessions.
No. We are not intimate any more. I could not do it without a condom and that would really suspicious to her to say the least.
This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I am watching my best friend self destruct in front of my eyes. Some days the turmoil in her addled mind is oozing out and I vassilate from pained empathy to "serves you right!"
