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Kalni,

Thanks for sharing your story. It really does suck when you are separated and have a really sick parent doesn't it......

Kiwi - I have expressed remorse in every shape and form and this year I really meant it. I have been honest and open. I have given him his freedom, I have accepted responsibility and professed that i will accept all consequences of the A.

He just is so hurt. I could guess as to why he feels this bad but others here have told me to get out of his head.

I wish he was as committed to trying again as you guys. I am ready and willing to do all the work and make the changes. Only I cannot do that on my own. Maybe i can while I am trying to gt him to a more receptive place.

You have some tough times ahead with your Dad but be thankful you have the time to talk. Focus on him and your S. WAW can wait. Might do her some good

Jounaling;

I went for a long run this morning and had a good think. It seems to me that I had lost sight of my DBing goals and strategies because a) they were starting to work and I got over-confident and b) because I am pretty upset by the situation with my Father's illness.

WAW is angry with me again and communication is nearly stopped. Rather than dwell on that, I am going back to the DBing strategies that worked (GAL, Act as if) and I will focus on my father's last few days/weeks. I can at least support him, my mother and my siblings as they have been there for me during W walking away.

Before I went for a run, a friend said to me that if I still hurt, then I was not healed and if I was not healed, I had not truly forgiven. Forgiveness, he said, is the only way the M can be saved and it doesn't need WAW to be asking for it.

He felt that I had not fully forgiven because I was waiting for WAW to ask for forgiveness- something that relates to pride.

Good logic in that and something that made me think while I ran my sorrows away.

If I've not forgiven, then my heart isn't fully open to the opportunity in my M. If that's the case, then I still have DBing to do. I wouldn't go back to someone I thought hadn't forgiven me.

That my friend is it !

My H says he has forgiven but I can tell he has not ? How?

He still says hurtful things, ie Did you dress like that for him..

He cannot stand being even in the same suburb as him ?

So forgiveness for someone like me who has has an A looks like this:


[list]
heart to heart on what went wrong in the M that made me feel like i was entitled to have an A . Mirroring my answers. Listening to me - really listening without getting angry.

A pomise to draw a line under the A. Never raise it again ever.

Never to speak to anyone about it except C.

Attend couples councelling .

Carrying out strategies suggeted in C

Holding hands, treating me like a woman who likes to be looked after to a certain extent.

Make me feel attractive and wanted.

[*]null

Now i know it all sounds one sided but if you were to do things like this, then my stuff would come out. My remorse, my 100 % committment to marriage. you would feel how sorry I was. as soon as she gets responsive try somethings.

I can tell you though that if she is still incontact with OM or harbouring a desire to be with him it will not work. She has to go thriough the pain of letting him go. This is equally as painful as what you are going through. Your attentiveness will make it easier.

Although i will tell you that it was not until my H made a decision to end the M that I did a 180 and went from not caring to really caring. But my H meant it. I could tell the differnce. no play acting.

Update; not much happening. WAW being more freindly again now that I have backed off. Wrote email today saying she is going to visit my father on Sunday and would I like to join her with S3. Not sure whether to be effusive or nonchelant about that? I see Dad almost every day right now and visit him every Sunday anyway..... WAW knows that so not sure why the invitation?

Anyway, good news is that she is being pleasant again.

Hi Kiwi,

Be polite in return and accept the invitation.

Lanzo

Thanks Lanzo, took that advice. Visit was a little uncomfortable for all but went OK.

WAW called me last night to discuss outcomes for Term 4 at Kindergarten. She was plesant and so was I although I detected a foreced tone in her voice. Said she was not going away for the long weekend next weekend and could I take S3 for the Sat morning as she is training for a half marathon. I'm pleased to do so and repsonded enthusiastically about having S3. WAW wanted tgo discuss Christmas arrangements and I said I was flexible. Yet again she's not going to her parents beach house for Christmas which is a shame for WAW and S3.

Journalling;

No real change here. Dad is in the last few days of his life and I am doing some 'bed watch' shifts to give my mother a break.

WAW sent email saying sounded awful but no real empathy for me or my family. I think that's going to be the final straw for me and after this the M will really be over. Dad's passing is going to be a big event in my life and there's nothing from WAW. Nothing for S3 either who is close to my father.

The kindergarten has a parent/teacher evening on Thursday about helping support learning/development. S3 will stay with WAW's parents as it's my night and obviously my parents can't do so.

WAW's parents have been a huge support through Dad's illness.

WAW got angry about something (maybe the short notice for parent/teacher or maybe in general or maybe even about me) and said she had appointment and could not make it. She got even angier when I said I would go anyway. I want to be involved in S3's education and I intend to be. Sounds like WAW's appointment more important than the parent/teacher meeting.

Overall, I have just focused on spending time with Dad and I'm pretty relaxed about WAW and life otherwise.

But I feel my care and concern for the M slipping away as I live through the passing of my father and S3's grandfather.

Kiwi,

I just wanted to offer my best wishes while you are supporting your father through his final days.

Lanzo

thanks.... at least I have the chance of spending them with him. we actually celebrated my birthday yesterday with Dad and S3 and Dad really enjoyed it. Where is WAW in all of this?..... absent