I think (I know, don't assume, but bear with me) he tries to control everything around him in the hopes that having a sense of control will help him feel "happy", b/c feeling out of control obviously does NOT make him happy.
you are a very smart lady..good on you...I know this.
I have experienced this..it was me. and frinkin clutter used to drive me absolutely insane..
Quote:
He said, "Ok, I am just really crazed and stressed at work right now and we can talk later". That is as close to sorry as it gets, usually....
I know this too. and yes, I sucked and know that I did.
Whenever we see someone with a big house, nice new cars, etc. I think to myself, "Wow I wonder if they are sinking in debt", whereas he thinks "Life isn't fair why can't I have that too?"
lol..I know this too..I laugh because I know it, not because it's funny.
Regarding the nice guys finish last, absolutely that is H's mentality.
His leadership style, he has described in the past, as "It is better to be feared than loved", which he got from a Machiavelli book.
He says often, "I don't care if the people at work like me, I just care if they get their jobs done"
However there is another part of him that dresses to impress, has to have the nice truck, nice house, etc. so I don't know how those two mesh...
well Bulllchittt..ya know earlier..weeks back when you said your H and I sounded a lot alike..well I believe you are right to some extent. There are some differences for sure but lots alike or at least like I used to be..
I had the NGFL mentality and still do to some extent. It just always seems to happen. I never feel very lucky and I bet he never does.
I often had the atttitude that I did not care if people liked me or not.
I was often very grumpy, have been described as moody. A smart assss at times.
oh it all meshes..so how did he grow up..stable home, caring parents..had what he needed maybe but nothing more??
I always dressed comfortable but did want to look good comfortably...and I always kept my car spotless. it had to look good. I think mine came from a "I want more mentality"..Growing up I always felt that I had enough..I mean I never went without but always sort of envied those that had more or better...I don't know that any of this helps BBJ...please tell me if I'm muddying things...OK it's not my intentions..
I feel I know him and I've never met him..don't have a clue what he looks like either..
H's mom, dad, and sisters would say they didn't have a lot growing up but they had enough. H recalls it differently, says he was on free/reduced lunch (his sister doesn't remember this), got picked on a lot, and his mom was always crying/sad.
H has always wanted more and better for himself. He says he overcompensates for being picked on in elementary school, wants to be the coolest guy with the best truck, house, wife, etc. He seems to want people to be jealous of him in a social way, but when it comes to work he is the smartass, hard-nosed guy that wants it done and won't settle for less than 100% from anyone at any time. Don't tell him your house burnt down, he will say "blah blah blah, go sell some meat".
That makes him sound terrible, he is not. He has a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor but I "get" it, I am a smart girl who enjoys witty banter myself. He comes across in public as very confident, self-assured, in control. But privately he struggles with almost every aspect of his life...
But he probably sees the good he does right?? and has trouble recognizing the bad traits? I was never picked on or any of that and never thought I did not have enough but was envious..
Of course I am not blah, blah, blah..I do have compassion for people and would help them in a second if they need me but would not intrude if they don't..
I bet he's great at this job..I also understand the public thing..
I understand the private also. I bet he has lots of self doubt..pretty indecisive at home..I bet that when he does try to relax and their are distractions that it really messes with his mind. I would say he gets a little angry when that happens but gets quite and withdrawn at times too. I would hazard to guess that if he is in a crowd and he is trying to talk to you/someone and there are distractions around that he may even appear not to hear you/them at times??
wink, wink is always good BBJ..IMO..it builds intimacy..it's a good thing if it's what you want.
Like I said BBJ..I may be muddying things here..don't let me muddy things.
I should clear up the blah blah blah thing. If someone has a genuine problem, he will listen to them and be there for them. But if someone uses the problem to gain something, and does it often, he loses any respect/compassion.
For example a gal at his work had a lot of damage to her home in the 90 mph windstorm Omaha got in June. She asked for time off work, he gave it to her. Then she got a big insurance check and bought a big screen TV and threw a party w/food and beer, all courtesy of the insurance $$. Then she called H at work (he was there, she wasn't) on a Saturday the following month giving him a sob story about how bad her life was. He cut her off, said he really didn't care what was going on in her personal life, she could call a friend for that....She walked in Monday morning and said she quit and H said ok, bye bye...
So he is more of the "give you the benefit of the doubt, but if I find you lacking, I will cut you off" type. He just told me last night he has no use for our closest friends from KC anymore. He got the H the job at his company. But during his A, the W of the couple was pumping people at that company (where OW worked) for info. after I told her what was going on. And the H of the couple was saying he lost respect for my H, etc etc.
My H said that was being a hypocrite b/c that couple had done things wrong in their life and didn't have the right to judge him or gossip about him. Now he wants nothing to do with them...
Yes..I know stubborn..I know it well. I can offer this up to you..I mean, if I can change then he can change. He seems to be doing it slowly. Sometimes we are really slow and change over time kicking and dragging our feet along the way..not to offend or make light of him/you or what he has done..I can see how he is, I know how he is. We both are a lot alike..I feel I've changed for the better. I can see where he is coming from in a way..there are big differences..I never cheated. I have never cheated with anyone..I was always with one woman at a time..I dated one at a time and moved on..I can empathize with him and his demons..ie the stubborn, uneasiness he has, the ways he is and responds..I don't condone what he has done...but can maybe see how his brain works..does that make sense at all??
I am having a sucky day. I just can't get it "right", it seems. I feel that it is an "H" problem, not a "me" problem, but we are supposed to share the blame in these things, aren't we?
The visual image I get of this "piecing" attempt is when you are playing tennis. On rare occasions, the ball will go past the person you are serving to, bounce up, and get stuck in the chain link fence. Got the image in your head?
That is how I feel my "piecing efforts" go...I lob one out there at H, and it doesn't bounce back. It just gets "stuck" on the other side.
I actually said in frustration last night, "What have you offered me since we got back together? What have you initiated? What efforts have you made? You tell me, 'If you want to watch a movie, say, 'Let's watch a movie''. Or you say, "If you want to sit by me, come and sit by me", etc. etc. What have YOU done to show me YOU want anything from/with ME?"
Of course he had no answer....
My dad came and got the kids at 9:15, they were gone by 9:30. I had specifically sent H a cute e-mail "invitation" asking him if he wanted to join me for wine, a movie, and relaxing at 9ish...
So I walk the kids out and come in and H is watching ESPN highlights. I say, "Are you planning to watch sports for awhile?" (THIS is where H says I should have TOLD him I wanted to watch a movie..?..) H said, "Yes, I am"
So I said, fine, then I will go and shower. SO I showered and put on a cute, simple nightgown. Then I went out and flopped a couple of comforters out on the floor between the couch and TV (we have no coffee tables so there is an open space to lay and watch movies w/the kids). So I offered H wine or Crown Royal and Coke. He declined. Then I made myself a glass of wine and sat down on the blankets w/my back against the couch. H chose to sit ON the couch, actually he lay on the couch from one end to the other so there wasn't really room for me. (THIS is where H said I should have come up and joined him on the couch, trust me this would NOT have been at all comfortable if even possible!)
So I lay on the couch w/my wine. He had turned it from sports to VH1 and it was a documentary on the 80s-90s rap group NWA. It was very interesting, talking about the history of gangster rap, tensions in LA prior to the riots, etc. But it wasn't the funny movie I was wanting (HERE is where H said I should have said, "Remember, I want to watch a movie".)
After a little while I said something about the morning and he tells me he forgot he has to be at work at 7 in the morning to manage the plant operations...yippee. I said, guess you will want to go to bed soon then. He said, "Yeah I will head to bed soon". I had the bedroom set up with candles, all cleaned up and calming, for giving him a backrub.
When he said he was heading to bed soon I had a meltdown. I said, "I don't get it, I invited you for drinks and a movie followed by relaxing. You sit on the couch while I sit on the floor and then say you will be heading to bed....WTF?" He in turn got anxious and said his Blood Pressure was up again, that talking like this stressed him out...I went out for a walk (at midnight). I came back 20 minutes later, he was lying on the floor. I told him I didn't want the stress. I just wanted to be able to be WITH him, touching him, holding hands, sitting on his lap, whatever, just be CLOSE to him for the evening. He said he understood that, but made no move to come and touch me. I pointed out that four different times I approached him on the couch and gave him a kiss and he kissed me back/let me kiss him, but that was it...
That is when he told me all the points in the evening when I could have made things different MYSELF....That is when I asked what HE had brought to the table in terms of healing our relationship, in showing me I was loved and wanted....and he had no answer.
PLEASE tell me what I am doing wrong. But so help me, don't tell me it is wrong to have expectations. He moved back in to work on our marriage, we are going to marriage classes, etc. So I feel I SHOULD expect certain things from him. I don't think I am unfair, I spell out for him what I want (time together, physical, non-sexual touching/closeness) but he just doesn't do it. Don't know if it is can't or won't....But then I get upset and that is the reason for his stress/anxiety/heart attack scares? B/C it is so stressful to live with a wife who complains? I said if you would come home, act happy to see me, sit with me, touch me, say you love me, etc. I would BE so happy and not a complaining W. I am at a total loss how to "fix" this one..............
The child inside me is screaming that the a$$hole who took off and left me and ran around w/OW should be shouldering the load here, not me............
