Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Last gasp

Absolutely ladybug. All the ladies are welcome. They're even welcome to critique my dancing, drinking, and pickup technique

How am I feeling? About how to be expected, angry, bitter, frustrated, and sad. I use my weekly night out to counteract those feelings. I find myself really enjoying talking to people when I'm out and even having some adventures like this. On Saturday, I ran into this freaky girl at the bar who started the conversation by biting my on the chest. That was kind of interesting. When I mentioned it to her a little later, she bit me on the other side. That definitely got me thinking ....

I just want to move forward either to reconcile with the wife I remember and still love or to move on with the divorce and to decouple our lives so that I can make more long term plans for the kids stability.

Dan

Yea, the limbo is the hardest!!! In divorce recovery (I've been thinking of signing up) they say that at the average it takes to get over a D is 2 years. That's defined as 2 years from the time you actually know the M is over. So, when you are limbo, the clocks not even started ticking yet! That's scary to me!!!!

At any rate, you seem to be doing well...getting bites on the chest from strangers seems to be good for you!!!

Amy

It's odd. I don't know if it will take 2 years or 6 months or 6 years to get over the D. I'm betting more on the 6 month time frame frankly.

I say that for a reason. The personal growth has been so extreme that I feel in some ways like I wasn't married, some other person was married. In fact, in some ways I feel like our marriage was between two other people. On top of that, I'm convinced that a lot of the time needed for healing has to do with the lack of personal growth. If I hadn't undergone this time of growth, I'd be an emotional wreck right now and it would probably take me 6 years to get over a D.

SO, in some ways I feel that if she and I can amiably come to agreements on the three issues then, I can make plans and move onto a new life. YES, there will still be some healing and grieving that needs to happen, but, that still feels like remnants of the old me. The new me is single, but, has to carry the divorced tag.

I hope some of that makes some sense.

Wow, I've heard that's an incredible DBing movie. Something about a marriage completely on the brink, and the husband decides to change the way he treats his wife for 30 days to see what happens. Sounds like DBing to me. I'll try and see it with W this weekend. Really great that he agreed to go.


Dan,
I'm a little torn here. You proved that the affairs are going on, now what? Didn't you already know that? Divorce takes a lot more time and is a lot more expensive than we'd like (as our WAS's have found out). Maybe this money holdup is good. Hang in there. With all this drama of OM1 and OM2 and going back and forth, your W might be finding out that the grass isn't greener.

Hey Jon. I appreciate the sentiment.

After further consultation with a lawyer and some time spent looking at what things actually mean versus the common usage. I've seen some changes in my thinking.

First, I would never try and deprive the kids of time with their mother. My father disappeared out of my life when I was 6 and I know that a lot of the crap I only grew past in the last 6 months had their root in his abandonment.

Secondly, a lot of the advice I've been given has come from people who have not divorced with kids in this century or have never divorced.

What does all that mean? I've had lots of people say that I should seek out full custody of the kids and no maintenance for the W. But, what do the CO statutes say?

Custody used to be more like ownership. Now, it's who gets the final say on major issues because the presumption is that on the day to day issues of what to wear, what to eat, who to play with etc., the presumption is that the parent who is responsible for them at that moment is the one who will make that decision. Custody is merely who will decide things like where the kids go to school, what religious traditions they are brought up with or whether to have elective medical procedures and so on. So, to that degree, I believe that my W and I are substantially agreed on major issues.

As far as maintenance goes, the CO statutes say that behavior during the marriage is not going to be considered in whether maintenance is granted or when deciding how much. Additionally, as I spoke with the lawyer, he said that behavior outside the purview of the children won't factor into any custody decision unless that behavior indicates that they are an unfit parent. As morally repugnant as her serial affairs are and as irresponsible as her smoking and drinking are, she does none of that in front of the kids and it doesn't in any way rise to the level in a legal sense that would cause her to be viewed as an unfit parent. Which is to say that her bad behavior isn't going to arise in a legal sense.

Spousal support or maintenance is completely open. It can be a continuing payment or a lump sum. It can range from nothing on up. It can be until death or remarriage or for a set period of time. Child support however is based on a formula and must be within 10% of the formulaic answer else the judicial system wants a good explanation of why the deviance.

So, then all this says that regardless of her bad behavior, if we were willing the spend like crazy and end up in front of a judge, the judge is not going to bar her from contact with the kids and frankly isn't going to bar her from overnights with the kids.

We have no significant assets or debts and as for our possessions, most of the stuff we have are antiques from her Mother that I want her to have and to pass to the kids.

All this means that since it only costs a couple of hundred dollars to file the paperwork, I plan to confront my W on Thursday with the divorce form signed and ready for her signature. I'm done with her. I'm sad for what she is throwing away, but, the kids and I can't continue to live in this limbo.

I saw on another thread, that as their D neared it's conclusion, his W had a change of heart. I'm not unwilling to consider a reconciliation. She will have to ask me to dismiss the divorce and she will need to prove her fidelity and trust over time in order for me to permanently withdraw from that option. I've been faithful here and working hard on this. When the headman's axe is about to fall it's easy to have a change of heart. That change isn't likely to last.

That's where things are today.

Dan

Interesting about the freaky biting girl. Very bizarre in a scary sort of way. That's what's out there Dan. I get from some of your posts that you may be a little freaky too. So, enjoy.

What do you think your w reaction will be to the divorce? Forgive me if I missed it somewhere, but has she ever mentioned divorce and what she wants?

I might have a little bit of inner freak, or at least I'm willing to investigate that corner of who I am

She said when I went through her things in mid-July that we were finished and were going to get a divorce, but, that she didn't have time to pursue this until the kids were in school. I asked her to hold off until January as I was working hard on being a better dad and in hopes of time for DBing. I've asked her on at least two occasions before this, but, after she was screwing around if she wanted a divorce and her reply was "Ideally no." In my opinion, she will be both scared to death and relieved at the thought of divorce.

We had talked about shared custody meaning splitting the time spent responsible for the kids 50/50. She is in no place right now to take on the responsibility for having the kids at her house, but, we had talked about the kids staying in the family house and the parent's moving back and forth.

I'm not sure where things are going to end up, but, in at least the short term, I expect that things will continue as they are.

D

Dan -

You have a good handle of the situation and have much the same thoughts I came to after filing for my divorce. 50/50 is what is best for the kids. We also have joint legal custody so that both of us can make major decisions.

Sounds like Colorado is similar to Oregon. As for the spousal support, I am trying to do a lump sum so the final divorce papers dont have any spousal support. The reason being is that here in Oregon, if spousal support is written in, it could be raised in the future if her situation changes. Also, if she got a disability, it could be extended for life. I just want to get it done and only make child support payments. Plus, doing a lump sum payout is something that I could refinance my house for.

You are very correct to be wary of any sort of half hearted attempt by your W to want to reconcile. Mine also was on the fence for a while, an I did not fully address what would convince me of conditions for stopping the divorce.

I think you are going to be just fine and recover from this ordeal in your life pretty darn quick.

Here in CO at least, the final agreement can have a provision that the maintenance agreement is non-modifiable. Child support can never be set up that way, but, maintenance can be.

I'll be fine, which isn't to say that I'm not angry and sad at times.

Now if my ribs would heal. I've strained or torn the cartilage between several ribs on my right side. I think I injured them coughing a lot and really hard during the allergy season.

D

Hang in there Dan!

Keeping the lawyers out of it is a great idea, and you're right about filing being cheap. Most people don't know that. My W didn't at first, then filed quickly when she found out. She thought the same things you were thinking, that a spouse's bad behavior can change a judge's mind on dividing of assets or even custody. Nope. We went through the 60 day waiting divided everything up, signed everything, but she never turned it in.

Be sure and keep your changes going, never know what could happen from here. Check Michelle's thread for more evidence of that

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1615575&page=0&fpart=5