Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? I guess it's over

Bottom line- he doesn't want to be married.

So, tonight he came over to study spanish. He brought in his guitar, so that was nice-because I haven't gotten to hear him play for a long time.

Had a nice dinner. I asked him if we would be seeing eachother this weekend and he said that he was busy all weekend, but that maybe Sunday. I asked what he was doing and he said jamming on Saturday and Friday he had party. I said "you know, I get invited to parties" and he said "good for you" (not sarcastic.)

I had a couple glasses of wine so my tongue was getting loose; we went outside and I said something about him keeping me at arms length and he said "yeah, I do."

I then told him about my "non-date" and he actually said "well, good for you. You need to do what you need to do." and then he said "You shouldn't count on me for anything." (Oh crap!!!)
He continues "I don't want to be married. I mean I love you and I care about you, but I don't want to be married."

He doesn't want to be tied down. He sees Costa Rica as some anomaly. "we were on a trip". I pointed out that from Jan 2nd- Easter he was 'into me' and that "oddly enough" we have had a TON of what he would consider "anomalies".

He said that now that two marriages have failed (I am number two) he doesn't believe in the institution. But we can always get married later if we want. WTF?!?

He will always love me. Wants me in his life. He is afraid to lose me and that is why he hangs on to me. He wants my friendship. Although, he admits that we have no issues in other arenas.

He doesn't want to be "tied down" or "committed". It was just too much, too late. He has just been on this path to being single for too long.

Would you believe after all of that he wanted to go to bed with me????!!! Uh, NO!

I flipped him several birds, read him some riot act about him re-writing history. And at the end, I said "At the risk of making you stubborn- you will be back. You have already gone out there and discovered the grass wasn't greener. You will be back." and he said "You're so confident about that" I say "well, yeah. because you always DO come back. But do not make the assumption *I* will be here."

He was very sure of himself that we will always love eachother. That he "Isn't going to let me go". WHAT?!?!?!?

At the end, he said he had to go and I said "yup." gave him some leftovers and sent him on his way. He gave me a hug, a kissy noise at the screen door and I just gave him a single wave and walked away.

OMG!!!! I can't F'ing believe he did it to me AGAIN. Mother F'er! And he still maintains that he loves me! And we can get married again later if we want! WHAT ARE WE DOING?????

He really tried to get me to go to bed with him and I am proud of myself for not falling for it. After he left I wailed and writhed on the floor. I am SOOOOOO heartbroken.

Well get up off the floor. He's not worth it.

Honestly, Trixi, this is better than where you were. It's out, and you are out of limbo. You can really get a life now. He is the self-centered person you suspected he was, and at least he admits it. It's hard to deal with rejection. But it is better to accept reality than to waste your life waiting for the scraps of attention that he is willing to throw your way. You have a lot to offer a man. Now you know you are free to find one who is really interested in sharing a life. Not someone who will use you to save him from boredom. I'm sorry you feel so bad, but it is time for you to close the wound and let it heal.

Aww crap.
Feeling sorta guilty because during one of my talks at him (yes, I mean 'at') I called him a man-slut. That from my perspective, it looked like there was about 45-60 days where he thought we were 'for sure' getting a divorce, and in that time frame he managed to sleep with 2 girls.

He did say "well, and I figured out that's not what I want" and I said "Of course it isn't. Sh1t, have some discretion!"

Anyway, I guess I am wondering if I burned a bridge....wait, it was *after* I said that, that he was trying to get me in bed. I guess I didn't. I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter.

We will still have to speak because of a tax refund that is coming; but aside from that, I am DARK.

Oh, Trixi-

I am so sorry to hear about all this...he sounds like a prime case of wanting to have his cake and eat it too! My sense is without you waiting in the wings his new life will lose it's luster and glamour. Maybe you'll be there when he finds that out...maybe you won't.

Hang in there...I'm thinking about you!

First - ((((Trixi)))) I know you feel like crap inside right now. For that I'm sorry and I feel for you.

I agree whole-heartedly with what Sara said to you. Get off the floor and stay off the floor. You are worth more than he is giving you. You deserve more than he is giving you.

You can try to analyze what is going on in his head, all the good things that have happened in the last 6+ months, why he feels like he does etc., until the cows come home, you will never understand his way of thinking. The only thing you can do now is take care of you.

You need to end all contact with him. Starting today. Unless it is business and absolutely necessary, no contact. He needs to feel the repercussions of his choices. He will never feel them if he *knows* you there for him. So stop being available to him at all.

I know its going to be hard, but you need to move on with your life like he is not in it at all. Fill your life with things that you love, without him as a consideration, period. I know you've been doing all sort of things that you love to do. Keep that up and fill your time with more of what you want. Make yourself busy. Even if all you want to do is to be home working on your art. That's great. Schedule that time and to bad for anyone else. YOU COME FIRST. If it's really meant to be, he will eventually get it.

((Trixi))

There you are! I was wondering where you've been.



I'm sorry you had to hear this again. I know how much it hurts. Having been there... I think you recover faster from the "re-bomb" but I also think it stings a lot more at first.

If you'll remember, after my last "re-bomb," I took a several day road trip with no plan in mind. It was WONDERFUL and I am so glad I did it. I really got stronger during that, just from doing something different and being totally free to do whatever I wanted. Is this something that would be good for you too? There are some beautiful drives up your way. And I know you really value your "alone time," so this is a suggestion that doesn't require a lot of social interaction. What do you think?

You can even stay at hostels if motels are too pricey. Oldtimer sent me a link before - I can look for it again if you're interested.



It's this stuff, as you know, that breaks my heart on your behalf. Begging for scraps. You may not see it, but that's what this is. You're worth so much more.



OK... so we're clear on what he wants and what level of R he's willing to have with you - "friends with benefits" basically. It's not a surprise to me AT ALL that he wanted to go to bed with you. I'm glad you didn't do it. Good job!!

GIVEN where he is at, what do you want? Do you want him as a friend? Can you handle that? I know that I, personally, couldn't. I could be polite and cordial, but not a friend.



The question is - what are YOU doing / going to do?

I personally agree wholeheartedly with Amy's suggestion to go completely dark. Detach and get the he!! away from the madness for awhile, so you can think straight. I think you're almost there.. except:



Huh?????

Burned a bridge with a man who wants to use you, treat you like crap, string you along, and have you there at his beck and call (including as an F-buddy) while he's living the single life?

You're right when you said "it doesn't matter" but think hard about WHY you are still concerned about this. To me, it says your sense of self-worth and self-esteem may still be awfully low. I think being dark and taking control of your life back will help tremendously with this.

Let's think of some positive things you can do over the next few days to pamper yourself, truly take care of you - and, make sure you are totally unavailable this weekend (in case you get tempted). Road trip? Spa day (I know maybe too pricey..)? Short getaway trip? (Southwest has some good deals right now!). What else... ?

Thank you Nikki! I knew you'd find Trixi and you would say what I was thinking a lot better than I could.

Trixi - Maybe it's time for us girls in the PNW to have a get together. I like Nikki's suggestion of you getting away for a few days to get away from it all. If you feel like a road trip, come on down to the Oregon coast!

Sorry, but I had to chuckle at this! Sounds like something my grandma would say, and in fact, she did - said it many years ago to my mom when my dad left.

(((((Trixi)))))

I don't have anything more to add. These wonderful ladies have given you such sage advice.

Your H sounds a lot like mine did in the very beginning. He didn't want to be with me, but he sure as he** didn't want anyone else to be with me either. Selfish. Very, very selfish.

He acts as though he wants no part in your life unless, as Nik accurately pointed out, it's to be friends with benefits and nothing more. My feisty side wants to say tell him to go **** himself , but where would that get you?

As you've already heard - I just want to be sure that you hear it again , take back control over your own life. Move forward for your own well-being and peace of mind. H doesn't matter right now - YOU DO.

You can still choose to leave the door open for your H. Just don't expect him to come walking through it a new man.

Sorry for your pain, Trix.

I think that especially once someone tosses aside a marriage for divorce the first time, it's extra hard for them to respect marriage the second time. Because after all, if he suddenly had respect for it NOW, that would mean that he did something "wrong" the first time. Easier for him to just "not believe in marriage any more".

But that's just the bad news. The good news is, now hopefully, you'll feel justified enough to finally let go, stop waiting for him by the door now, and go be with someone who deserves you.

You've done all you could, and more than most would. He doesnt care. Time to drop him.


PS: you have no reason to feel guilty for calling him a "man-slut". He IS one