Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Breaking the Silence

Probably just means he's not doing anything. Has anyone heard from him?

I have no idea what's going on. We do not know people in common and we live an hour apart. So there is no way for me to know what is going on with him or in his life without calling him directly.

I will try to hold out another day. I have plans all day tomorrow anyways so it should not be too hard.

Come Wednesday it will have been over a week and I will send a small text.

I feel like "I miss you" would show that not only am I "over" our little spat last week but it also shows vulnerability. However asking him what's up seems like it would be ok, just a little random. I don't want to set a precident for the future that says it is ok to act that way and ignore me. But I guess either way says that. . .Grr!

I think "I miss" you might come across as needy and that you only texted him because of you. I still think "Hi, how's everything" might be aloof enough but still caring.... ?

Good point Jen. I don't want to make it about me.

I wish there was an option C.

I think that it is hard because I "initated" the silence by saying that if he drove away I was not going to speak to him again and that I would send divorce papers in the mail.

Big no-no I realize.

Part of me thinks it shouldn't be a big deal because I have said "I'll never speak to you again!" a million times but never followed through. I am just worried that since I have not spoken to him AND threatened to file for divorce that he will really think I am gone and start moving on.

Ugh.

I just want to text and let him know I am still in this and that I said those things in anger. I don't want to rehash the whole day or put him down for being in "a mood" I just want some closure I guess.

I just watched a show that we always used to watch together and thought of all the places that we would have been laughing together. Should I text him and ask if he saw the show? Light and moving forward but still really random!

I don't know. I wish I knew what to say to him.

I mean I get the whole "cave" thing but do the rules still apply if you tell the man to go to his cave and stay there forever?

Daisy!!! No "I miss you" text!!! That would be a major backslide after all this darkness. Remember like DR said if if feels weird or uncomfortable then you are most likely doing it right. If you go back to doing things that you would normally do then you are not showing them that you are capable of change.

I don't think that day should be brought up at all unless he brings it up and even then if should not be a full discussion.

Well it happened.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I broke the silence.

Just a friendly text about the show we watch. He didn't see it. I told him about a funny part and told him it made me think of him. He said lol. We texted a little about what's going on with one another. After a few texts he asked if we are just pretending everything is ok. I said "Isn;t it? he said "is it?" I said it was just a bad day and I am over it. He said "what about not talking to me if I drove away" I said "I was angry. I don't really want that" He asked me what I did want. I said I missed him and just wanted to see him again. He said he is caught up in too much right now. Apparently he is trying to leave the state within the next few weeks to go back to AIT training for the army and hopes to be gone a month but we both know it could be a few weeks or a few months. There is really no telling. We are talking about future things now. I am trying to be respectful and am doing a good job considering all the "I don't know what I wants" being thrown my way right now.

The conversation is not going badly but at the same time he seems to think I don't need him in my life and that I do just fine without him around (exactly as I feared!)

It is not a backslide as a lot of good things are being talked about. However I feel sick to think he could be leaving soon. I don't think I can do this anymore. It's hard enough with him an hour away. I don't know what I would do if he moved across the country for an undetermined amount of time with no guarentee as to what will happen when he comes home again.

I'm just really sad now. Really really sad. This is more than I can deal with.

(((Daisy)))

I do understand. I am in living in a different country than my H and have no idea what I will be facing when I get back. Physical distance IS hard, no lie, but it CAN work to your advantage too. I really am starting to believe this. Your H is going to wonder what you are doing and I know it doesn't seem like it now, but those months/weeks will make you stronger. You might think of this as a chance to start diffusing negative energy. There will be no possibility of the kinds of fights you had last week.

Of course there are no guarantees, but I believe you will want to try everything you can to allow this marriage to work before throwing in the towel. Only you can know when you've had enough.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad Daisy.

ITH

((((DAISY)))))

You can handle this and you will. You have to keep a positive outlook on this. I'm so sorry you are feeling bad right now.

Listen to ITH - she is 100% correct about the longer you are apart the stronger you become. I think the DAM then start wondering "what are they doing? why aren't they calling like crazy like they were?"

Hang in there sweetie...((((Positive Vibes)))) for a good day!!

I know that it can be good but it can also be really really bad. A lot of the reason we ended up here is because of the 6 months we spent apart last year. I thought it would make us stronger then too but all it did was rip us apart and we never pulled it back together again when he got home. A month would obviously be a different story but the military is so screwed up and I am highly uncomfortable with them taking him away for an undetermined amount of time. When he was gone last year it was supposed to be 4 months and it turned into 6. I understand why he wants to go, he would be making money and getting back into shape so he can pass his test and get his enlistment bonuses and finally start his career with the army. It would be good FOR HIM. It has nothing to do with me and that is why I worry. Life on an army base is not good for families. All th guys are young and want to go out and party, drink, and get laid. It's not healthy. I am terrified of this influence on him, especially when things are so rocky right now between us. At least when he was gone before it was a little easier to trust him because we were (most of the time) happy with each other and counting down the days to be back together again.

Sigh.

I am going to need to do a lot more praying and a lot of good DB between now and the time he leaves. He said he wants to get this army thing sorted out before he can focus on us again. I wanted to yell and scream but instead I said "I respect that and will try 100% to give you the space you want and need" so I do not know when we will see each other. I made it clear that is what I want but it is up to him.

I still think the conversation went well. It was by no means an easy conversation to have but I validated and was very respectful but at the same time shared my concerns and desires. Mostly because he asked me several times what I want right now. So he knows, now I sit back and wait to see if he is going to give me what I want.

The conversation ended well. I said we should not wait a week to talk to each other again with a smiley face and he said ok, lol. Then we said goodnight.

I'm going to try and focus on me more and keep it dim on my end of this. It is very very clear that he wants/needs to work out things for himself and that talking to him right now will not do me much good because I am not included in the things going on in his life. But at least contact has been reestablished and I know that he is not giving up on us. All I can really do is show that I can give space and be supportive and not clingy. Tall order.

Today I have a trillion things to do. I am still feeling scared and bummed out so we will see how much I actually get done.

One thing I am going to do for sure though is call and get that IC appointment set up. I did not ask my hubby about that last night. I think that would have been too much at this point but maybe a topic to bring up down the road a little ways, see how things go the next week or so.

Thanks for your comments guys, you really do keep me going!