Mare, My thoughts will be with you. When you feel like you just cant take it anymore, that you are going to do or say something to him you shouldnt, just think of all of us standing there behind you, whispering our support. Like in "City of Angels" we will be with you in spirit, surrounding you in our caring.
mare, I think writing him a letter is an excellent idea. Not deviating from the key points is a real plus - I know I tend to do that when I attempt to talk to my H (he refers to it as prattling on).
Oh, what a night!!! I am trying to assimilate it all.
I gave him my letter when he came home from work. I know he felt like I slammed him, but there was no gentle way to get this started. His initial reaction was what did I know and where did my information come from. I will never say. He denied everything and wanted to know who set him up. I told him he did it himself. I asked him to talk to me. I told him if he wanted a divorce that he should do whatever made him happy. No response. That was round 1, he had to go next door and help my parents.
I then put dinner on for the kids. He came home to get some tools and so I went to the garage for round 2. I told him about the latest e-mail which my daughter found (which is about 3 weeks old at this point). I discussed the part where the OW said I love you and my H said he was there for her for better or worse. I told him how devasted the kids were. How they wanted to know if I had talked to him and whether or not we were divorcing. I told him he put our son in a lousy position by asking him not tell me about his e-mail with the OW. He didn't comment too much. His reaction at that point was a question if I had had a friend of mine, who is a federal special agent, have him followed. Well, he had to go back to my parents and I did house stuff. I was in the living room when he came inside to eat. I let him eat in peace. After he ate he went out to do pool maintenance. So I went and sat by the pool for round 3.
I told him I was not the enemy and that I only wanted him to be happy, whatever he decided. Finally, he sat down and tried to explain his story. He said he met the OW online and that the relationship evolved for about 5 months, hmmm. He said if I had him followed that the only thing they did was go to dinner. He said when they met for dinner, she told him she was breaking it off and was going to counselling with her H. That counselling thing was mentioned in their e-mail. He said that the week before he left here to go there last time, our relationship was soo much better and he thought he would break it off with her, but she beat him to it. Yeah, well, talk is cheap. He said the relationship started innocently enough but became intense, he wouldn't expound. I was apprehensive to ask about his online women by name because I thought he would figure out that I had his password. So I mentioned only one name, the one where she asked him if he was really separated from his wife? I thought he had had dinner and sex with her as well. This blew his mind because he said she lived in England. That I do really believe because she talks about places like Derbyshire and her writing is a little different. So, I guess the sex and dinner thing was fantasy?? Anyway, I kept questioning everything he said because he was couching his words and I didn't trust him especially based upon his e-mail. He said he loved me, he didn't want to divorce. My head is ready to explode at this point. We go inside. I took a nap in my chair, he watched TV. I went to bed, he stayed in front of the TV. I couldn't sleep.
I got up for round 4. I told him I couldn't sleep. I asked him if he was willing to give up all of his online women. He said yes. I asked him if he was willing to go to counselling. He said yes. Blew my mind!! I sat down and we talked. He let me know that my behaviour that week before he left was inspirational and made him want to improve the marriage. I told him that Michelle's book was the reason for my changes. He said several times during round 4 that he wanted to read the book. Blew my mind!!! He then went on to open up. He was not happy with round 3. He said I wouldn't let him talk and that I challenged everything he said. He was right. He talked, in great detail, about how he saw the state of the marriage. He talked about my behaviour toward him. I think he was right on target, a perspective which I was not open to prior to reading DB. He talked about his online stuff. He said it was just fantasy, BS, a cheap thrill. He said the OW was the only woman he had met. Well, I still have trouble with that one. He said he wanted me to travel there with him as often as I can, that's why he brought all the tour books last weekend. Then, he offered to give me his e-mail password. I declined ( of course I already have it.) Before I went to sleep, I told him that maybe I did want that password. He changed his mind about giving it to me -- something about are we really getting to that point?
I asked how he was going to talk to the kids. He said we should do it together and explain that we are reconcilling with the goal of improving our marriage and our family. Blew my mind again!!!
My head still wants to explode. I asked him if he told his online women that he was single. He said no, he never denied that he was married. I did not chime in that I knew he said he was separated. And, he has still denied having sex with the OW. I don't believe it. And as far as the e-mail thing, well I still do have his password, I just hate this snooping stuff. I did check his mail this AM. He did receive a note from the OW, I didn't open it because it would show that on the status screen, but the title of the e-mail was Good-bye Love.
This morning he took me in his arms, held me and tried to assure me that everything would be alright.
I feel like puking.
Any thoughts????? I am sooo grateful for all of your support, please don't give up on me.
[This message has been edited by mare (edited 04-28-99).]
mare, I am so glad that he is interested in working on the marriage. I know how hard it is when you don't know how much of what they are saying is the truth and how much they are still hiding. I wish there were a foolproof way of distinguishing truth from lies.
Mare, I know it all hurt, you feel sick at heart, but really it went great!!!!! So maybe he is not ready to confess every little detail yet but he has opened up and is talking! He wants to make your marriage work! And he acknowledges that there are problems and is willing to work on them. Give him DB to read! Suggest he arrange the counseling, perhaps he will feel more secure if he is in control of the choice. I remember telling my H that I had a lot of hurt and resentment inside and if he really loved me he was going to just have to take all the shit I delt out to him in order to prove his determination and his love. Ofcourse no one says they have to smile while the take it!You need to tell him when you need reassurance and he has to be willing to give it. It sounds like he is! You have to try not to reject him though. Try not to let your hurt and anger color everything. Remind yourself when he reaches out to you and you feel like turning your back on him that, despite the pain, you do love this man and want your marriage to work! He is going to be feeling his way along too! He is going to be unsure and need help and reassurance too! So even though you may feel it is his just rewards to have to explain to the children his actions all alone, be with him, he will appreciate the morale support you provide and will hopefully give you credit for having a generous nature! You knowwhat I mean "I know I had no right to ask it of you, but having you there while i told the kids ment so much to me!" You will have to work together to get through this! And if you are both willing you can!!
Letters work great, they help you say all the things you cant say in person because you start crying and loose your train of thought!
I wrote a letter to my H telling him how much I love him, the things I admire, the things that attract me to him, his good qualities, also how hurt I feel, the devistation, the confusion and doubts, how i need his help and support. Some of the problems we face and need to fix. How I can live with out him but would prefer to live with him. I tried to pour my heart into those pages. He carries this letter with him daily and rereads it. I reread it too. It helped me realise why i want this relationship to work, why i love him. And also helped me purge a lot of the bad feelings, I was able to express to him my hurt and anger but without a nasty confrontation. Instead of being negative and hurtful it came out positive.
Hopefully you letter was a start in this direction, it sounds like it was. Communication is Sooooo important. Dont NOT talk to him, tell him how you feel. If it is something you know will be painfull for him to hear, soften the blow by telling him first that you love him. Some painfull things just have to be said! Just make sure it is necessary and you arnt doing it just to be hurtfull!
We all have to find our own path and you will find yours! You are already on your way. Keep up the PMA! We are here for you!
I feel your pain but am happy for you at the same time!!!!! Him acknowledging his actions is both relieving and devistating, see it for the hopefull action it is, the beginning of the rainbow that can be!!
Sister, relax. He's doing and saying everything a man who wants to repair his marriage would do and say.
Maybe you would unburden yourself by telling him you've have his password and he's been under surveilience for quite some time. What? Did he think he was married to a stupid woman? NOO!!! And he wouldn't love her if he was. So there. He's gonna have to get up PRETTY EARLY in the morning if he ever thinks he's gonna outsmart you. You're harder to outsmart than "charley".
He's gonna have to step up to the plate and do the hardest job he's ever done and he needs to stop chickening out. He's gonna have to be an honorable man in your marriage, an officer AND a gentleman. His words and his actions define his character.
Hi, Your support means so much to me. I still feel pretty awful though I did manage to gag down dinner last night. I am being nice, kinda hard to be bubbly... He is trying. I told him last night that I still had questions but that I didn't think I should be asking him these questions everytime I had a thought. I told him we needed to find certain times to talk. He went to work at my parents' last night and asked me to keep him company. I was happy to go. He asked for the DB book last night, again. I'll give it to him today. He told me this AM we could talk in again in a couple days. I was snooping yesterday and found he has a new e-mail address on a different server. He has changed the password I found. I hate this whole thing. How can I ever trust him?????
