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My D13 has been upset all day. She's never met my dad but is taking it hard because she says "It's sad when a family member dies". I'm ok, the hurt comes and goes. Seems like it wouldn't hurt so much given the lack of a relationship but it does.

I've had too much loss this year. I guess I will look at this as a wake up call for life. Start living it.

Frank,

Sorry to hear about your Father.

Dear Frank.....I am sorry to hear abou the loss of your father. We talked at times at great length about this....and some similarities about your dad and mine. I know that you have found the right 'place' in your heart to have closure. As in divorce, we all have choices to make in our lives. All we can do is learn....from...their choices and ours.

Bless you frank. You've helped many here...and still do.
FIB

FIB ~ That's a very sweet post that you wrote to Frank and I definitely agree with that last part.


Have a good weekend gentlemen.

I'm very sorry for your loss, Frank. Even though you didn't have a strong relationship with your father, it must still be painful.

God bless,
Nicola

My condolences, Frank.

Take extra good care of yourself and your kids.

Well, life goes on.

I looked up my dad's obituary on the hometown newspaper. No mention that he has a son, me, and two other kids, my half sister and half brother from his second marriage.

Just his wife, their daughter and his brothers and sister.

Par for the course. His wife is weird.

I've been working late a lot, till 1 am or so because I'm working with a project where the people are in Amsterdam so they're getting to work around 9pm my time.

sometimes I make something to eat before I go to bed because I'm hungry. If I don't clean up then the next morning W sees a mess in the kitchen and decides that I must be drinking and out of control because I used to eat late and night and make a mess when I was drinking.

So, I really go out of my way to keep it clean.

Of course, since my dad died she is hyper sensitive to everything because she expects me to lose it.

So, on thursday at 1 am or so I had cooked some eggs and onions and left the pan on the stove and since I used olive oil it had splattered a little around the pan on the stove.

I left it out as I was really tired and went to bed.

Well thursday morning I was asleep while she was here making breakfast for the kids. She came to my room and knocked on the door. She then proceeded to tell me I needed to 'get my act together' because the house is 'falling apart' and 'the girls need you!'

She told me how she had to clean up this terrible mess and the T-Shirt I was wearing had oil spots on it (I am not great at cooking without being messy. I have a lot of shirts with spots on them because of this) so Obviously I'm drunk all the time and she tells me her cell phone service was turned off this morning for non payment and how can she get off the family plan?

I told her that I must have forgot to pay it, I'll do that right now (which I did, I have the money just been busy).

I told her that I am NOT 'falling apart', that I'm working till 1 to 4 am in the morning and making money.

I was calm and basically told her that I'm quite fine.

She said "Well the girls need you so keep it together"

Right. They don't need her. They need me.

I had an interesting talk with her brother that evening. I haven't talked to him since before the bomb and he right off told me he doesn't support her decisions.

But what I found more interesting is that he said she is a 'spoiled princess who needs a reality check'. Wow.

He went on to say that when he lived with us for a year about 4 years ago (he was in a depression and couldn't hold a job so we took him in) he said that he couldn't believe how W treated me. Basically she would get down on my when I was depressed and drinking and keep telling me to fix myself instead of saying 'how can I help? What can WE do?'

He didn't really like that but didn't say anything then because of his own problems.

So it got me thinking about the mornings exchange.

"Keep it together Frank", not "What can I do to help Frank?"

"The girls need you Frank" not "The girls need us both to be healthy"

Another nail in her coffin. I'm starting to feel like I haven't really lost anything.

Her brother also said I should cut her loose so she can be totally independent and see how lucky she was to have me, and how badly she really treated me when I was down. As he said, she is acting like a spoiled brat who wants what SHE wants instead of an adult who takes responsibility.

He suggested I give her responsibility for a portion of the utilities as a way of her supporting the girls. Good Idea. She won't pay but I can put it 'on the books' as debt for her.

Here is another thing that irks me. She is going away on this 6 day massage training retreat. She told me that the people who run it aren't making her pay because she has no money to pay. Instead she will do office work for them to pay it back.

Now, at $10/hour and she works 4 hours a day 3 days a week for them, how long will it take to pay back the likely $800 fee? And, she's gone for 6-7 days which means she NOT EARNING ANY MONEY for that time period.

Is this a prudent financial decision??? Um, no.

But she wants to go so she goes.

She gives me $60 a week to help pay car insurance and cell phone plans. she always says "I wish it could be more". Well get a magic lamp and a Genie cuz that's the only way wishes come true.

She whines about how bad August was financially for her and then sabotages October.

Her brother said to me "Next time she whines about her finances tell her to go apply for a job at a gas station or Mcdonalds instead of sitting on her ass".

Maybe I'll go get some applications for her.

Like I said, I'm really starting to wonder if I'm losing something here.

Last night I called my dads wife. I told her that I was happy that she stayed with him, that I know he had a hard life and that I was grateful for her being with him, that it was a blessing.

She cried and told me "You don't know how much that means to me".

See, all these years she thought I didn't like her. Realistically, I just didn't know her. So I was able to give her some healing.

I looked up my brother's phone number and called him also. I haven't talked to him in about 9 years. He at the time he was a mess and had used me for money.

Now, he's got his life together and went to the funeral in NY, by driving from where he lives in AL. We talked for about an hour, reconnecting, healing. He told me to call his/my sister which I'll do.

I guess I'm less alone, and feeling like maybe there is hope for some connection with my family.

Ad far as W, well there's nothing there. I'm at about 10% left of 'caring' since it's painfully clear that given a chance to do something SHE wants to do as opposed to paying her obligations to her kids, like support money, she will choose herself.

I guess I should find out what she'd have to pay legally if we were separated, not that she COULD pay, just so she sees her obligations.

But I almost think 'what good will it do?' None really.

So, as Bworl said in a post to jeff223,


Working my way up slowly...