Except there is never a never. You can ALWAYS make changes. And you CAN change her perception of you. You may not want to, and you don't have to...but you CAN.
This is so true.
you can also sew a set of balls on your aunt and call her your uncle.
Sg, you know i'm pretty dense. what kinda changes are we talking here?
Except there is never a never. You can ALWAYS make changes. And you CAN change her perception of you. You may not want to, and you don't have to...but you CAN.!
Marriage is, in my opinion, a sacred vow. Two people make promises to both themselves and their God. The promises perhaps vary depending on the words you have chosen, but most include some basics...
love, honor, and cherish be faithful forsake all others and do all these things through good and bad
Marriage should be a once in a lifetime deal I think. At least that's what I expected when I married the first time.
All of our spouses made these same promises. They made the same commitments. Most of them felt the same way that we did about the sanctity and seriousness of the life we were entering.
Or at least we thought they did.
So what the hell do you do when life suddenly turns upside down and you find that your spouse has repudiated those vows and promises?
What do you do when you find out that your spouse NOW suddenly thinks it's ok if the marriage doesn't work out, or that maybe it's possible they would be happier with another person?
Well, we all did various things at first, but ultimately we all came here, hoping that we would find the magic key that would once again unlock our spouses heart and draw them back to us.
Those who have been at it for awhile soon realized that, for all it's wonderful ideas, DB'ing is NO guarantee of a healed marriage. We learned in fact that we could do LOTS of things to make positive changes in ourselves, but precious few things to produce what we would call positive changes in our spouse.
The conclusion that I've come to has nothing to do with any pdf or any other "theory" of how some spouses behave or what they're looking for.
My conclusion is that sometimes people change.
And sometimes there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
I look at the situations of those I've come to consider friends here. I look at FIB, frank_d, Mules, Sleeper, Neil_h, Lissett, Jeff, MWG, Kissak, AmyC, and so many others. Every single one of these people, AND MYSELF, made lots of mistakes along the way - no doubt about that. But it's also true that each of these people DID THE WORK to make things right. And it's true that each of these people did their best to buy in to the DB'ing approach in dealing with their spouse.
If restored marriages is the measuring gauge, there's not much success in that group. Not much success on this forum period, for that matter.
But that's NOT how success is measured.
Most of us can only absorb so much before we simply get tapped out. It's not weakness, and it sure as hell is not quitting. Affairs, venom-laced spew, absolute physical and emotional rejection, financial irresponsibility, parental abandonment - these things can only be tolerated so long.
How long is something inside of each individual.
No one else gets to decide for ME or for YOU.
Our job here, as we post one to another, is to be honest and to offer advice and support. Our job is to be the ear that actually listens, cares, and tries to offer what the author of the thread is asking for. As we get to know each other, we learn to not be afraid of sending up the occasional 2x4 when we see our friend heading in a direction that will cause them more frustration and/or pain.
FIB, you HAVE fought the good fight. I remember you from the fall of 2006 when the two of us were engaged in the fight of our life to keep from losing something precious to us.
Along the way we looked inside honestly, did the hard work to clean up the places inside that needed work, and in the process became better MEN, better FATHERS, and better HUSBANDS.
We also did everything possible to leave the door open for our wandering spouse. We tried to find ways to open up communication and show that we REALIZED and ACKNOWLEDGED the struggles our spouses were going through. We took ownership of OUR role and worked hard at becoming better men.
And here we sit today my friend.
I am divorced and now remarried to a wonderful woman. Meanwhile my ex continues to co-habitate only with a man she once had a crush on at the age of 16. She sees her two boys about once every couple of months, since she now lives 500 miles away from them. She does however send child support and behaves nicely towards me when we have to interact.
And you sit on the edge of divorce. You continue to share your house with a woman who doesn't seem to know WHAT she wants. She sees you as the enemy, vilifies you for finally having enough and saying it was time to move on. She beats you up emotionally by somehow placing the blame for the failed relationship on you, even though her accusations only extend back to you actually filing. Her past indiscretions are erased, and now YOU are the bad guy.
Come on my friend. I know it's in your face every day, but you KNOW how false this is.
I don't care if your wife falls in to the pdf category or not. All I have to do is look at what she has done to you and your family over the past two years.
I don't care if she expected you to be her hero or not. I think probably ALL wives see their husbands as heros in some respect. But again, her actions speak all that I need to know.
You are a fine man, a fine father, and a committed husband. You had your failings like all the rest of us. But none of them were fatal flaws, or at least should NOT have been.
Sometimes they just change.
And sometimes, regardless of what we've done, we don't get the outcome that we hoped for.
And at that point, we do ourselves a disservice if we continue to allow ALL of us in our family to suffer through the ugliness.
Not that divorce is a good thing. But sometimes it's the only reality left.
Praying for peace for you and yours.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
his last fight was with the martial arts instructer for a few of colorado's major law enforcment departments.
he knocked out the officer in the first round. he was a hapkido, of whatever expert. fact is, no matter how good you're at hapkido, or Karate, you're gunna suck at MMA competion.
I've been pulled over and searched, my son has been pulled over and harassed, but you know what, it is what it is.
law enforcement will always stick by their own. women with loose morals will always stick to their script, men with no pride will continue to torment their wifes.
