Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Trying2live- the new post 1

Hi Marisol, well as i type this my H had just stopped by my desk. He keeps trying to be my friend...I don't need a friend, I need a husband. I know he is trying to be nice because he is moving tomorrow. Wish we did not work together - wish that OW did not work here. I am thinking of going black n/c but it is tough when we work and go to the same meetings. I want H to realize what it will truly be like without me. But then my other worry is that it will make him closer to OW. Exposure is a good thing though. It has had some effect. Not enough to break them up but to know their dirty secrets are out in the open.
Goals -
GAL -
1. commit to the gym 4/5 times a week. continue walking at beach
2. Make some friends and make some plans (going out on Friday to see Irish band)
3. Make office a game room for D15 and friends
4. try to get more sleep

what I need is some goals in relation to DBing with H. I need to see how to handle this with OW in place

Hi Hope! I just can't imagine having to work with H and OW.. you are a strong woman!!! It kills me to know OW works at the same company as my H even though they are not in the same building! I can't even begin to relate to how you feel every day. I do know they go out to lunch together every day.... wow I think I would have to change jobs. Is that something you have thought about? When he moves you will still be seeing him at work and he will see you so it would be difficult to accomplish the detachment that so many have talked about on these forums.... Your H has to start missing you and he isn't going to if he can still see you at work every day. KWIM?

My dream is to live by a beach...I absolutely LOVE the beach... I wish I could take walks on the beach every night... The sound of the waves is so soothing to me...

GAL -
1. Divorce support group (once a week but only went once since it was more pro-divorce than pro-marriage)
2. Plan more dates with friends to hang out
3. Find a local church and start going again
4. Take a dance class (when my ankle is strong enough - I hurt it when I went to Chicago)

Any ideas on how to turn the divorce around? Not sure where to start...

Ok jumping on real quick who ever wants to do this get the book. Read it don't skip anything. And yes its kinda a last push for me. I feel like everything is going on around me but I'm not in it if that makes sense. This is a solid plan. To of them a Plan A and a Plan B.

So I feel pretty good about it and it gives lots of information on marriage and the needs in a marriage.

So here's the title. Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. Your going to really like the read anyways because it explains the addiction of these betraying spouse, so it's going to open your mind up to understand what motivates them. If anything your going to be able to cope better. It is by a Christian man although it does not preach in the bible so it's friendly for anyone to read.

Step 1: Go get the book.

My Plan A is starting Saturday. Wait til you guys here. God help me be able to do this. I'm excited and nervous but in the end I know I will feel that either way this goes, I will know that I have implemented many things and have grown and can live forward no matter what.

Back later tonight....

Hi checking in minute by minute because I need to cope.
Marisol, I cannot change jobs because there is only so many positions here (65), small group, so it is not an option. I can expose the A but both will get fired. Then I can't live either.
As for avoiding H, he came here twice today. Now he has called me. We need to finish some training and usually I do it for him and he is floundering with it. I said what is your staff doing? meaning OW, he said no-one has done it (she is stupid by the way!), So would it be a DB helping him do the training on the eve of him leaving me or do I have him do it because I do not want him to see me as controlling and doing everything for him?????? any ideas.

As far as D, keep filing different things. I like the idea of the mediator to delay, delay, delay. You need the time for your H to get sick of the A. Maybe his going away and talking to family will help your case.

T2L - you are killing us...more info more info. what's the plan. I can't get book till the weekend. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO??????

I looked for the book at the bookstore this past weekend, two bookstores,and couldn't find it.. I will have to order it.

We all want to know what is going on??? killing us!!!

I'm suppose to be filing for D this week just to hold everything status quo... I'm now debating.. my lawyer was going to draw up paper work today or tomorrow.. I emailed her to hold off.. hope it isn't too late. But I don't want my H to change insurance, take money out etc... he says he won't but who knows right... Texas doesn't have legal separation... but hearing Marisol insight I want to prolong this as long as I can too... I can't risk my H marrying OW and deciding to have more kids.. that is all a 25 yr old wants - get married and have babies... I told him I would never sign or finalize a D until he gets "fixed" which he was going to do this week...

I have been working on an email to the OW... not out of anger but just out of information... thoughts on this???

My goals:

1. Work out
2. Make plans with friends (hard all my friends are married with young kids)
3. Work on 180's and changing myself
4. going to my beyondaffairs support group twice a month

Ok I'm jumping off and on all day. Let me cut and paste some stuff on what the plan A and B is, but I still incorporate the GAL'ing too and some of the stuff in DB.

Go here to read the plans then I will get on int a bit and tell you what I am doing by Saturday. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

One more link you might read too(its in book as well): http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

Hope - I was thinking getting a job with a whole different company.... leave that company and find a job somewhere completely different. I know jobs are scarce right now but if you could get a job that pays the same or a few dollars more than what you make now would you do it? I know I would. I am willing to risk getting paid much less actually to move to Chicago in about 18 months after my D16 graduates from high school and be roommates with a close cousin of mine. I want to start my life over if this D goes through and that is my plan if it does.

As for the training he is floundering over, I would make him do it on his own. My H depended on me alot for his work stuff and I know that it has impacted his performance since he left but that is something they now have to accept and deal with themselves! This is a part of the detachment process!! They need to start standing on their own 2 feet!!!! This is so they can realize what WE meant to them!! If they want to be free and independent then let them!

TxMom - I would let him file. Let him take action! If you are not ready then don't do it. Even though my H filed, I am taking my time with the whole thing. What's the rush right? Unless he has something on his agenda that he isn't sharing with me then why should I make it so easy for him to walk away especially if he has shown me a slight bit of hope that he isn't 100% sure of his decision. Also, email to OW may backfire on you. I confronted OW when this started to spiral out of control and it made him leave even sooner. I even texted her (very angry msgs) when he confirmed the A and he got angry with me and comforted her. H's tend to side with OW when we do or say things about OW. These OW are not worth it. In time they will reveal their true selves and it isn't until then that our H's will realize what they will loose or have lost in this whole ordeal.

My H flies to Colorado on Friday with OW to meet her parents...this weekend is not going to be good for me... must find other things to keep me occupied!

sitting here like it is a regular night. It feels surreal. Sat in backyard with H. Had regular conversation, then of course I had to cry and say if it wasnt for the OW I think we could have worked on this. He apologized. He said he knows how he feels right now but we don't know if it could change. He is leaving tomorrow and has not packed a thing. I asked him to please have his stuff moved out before I come home because it will hurt too much. Then he says will you mind if I am still here weeding the lawn???? haven't done it in months so why now. I don't get it then he says when I bring D home I will come in to say goodbye. Ok rip my heart out. Then he was talking about apt. and saying how tiny and small it was. I don't know if he will survive in such a tiny place. I hope it is noisy and uncomfortable. I just am venting. I will look at T2L links. I need to do something positive.

wow, my counselor talked tonight about the emotional/love bank. I was askng the C if I should help H with training, since he wanted to stand on his own, and the C said why should you not help. Then you can make a deposit in the love bank. Everytime you get angry, upset or something negative then you withdraw from the bank -- when the bank is empty there is nothing left. I am trying to wrap my arms around this concept but it makes sense. The C did annoy me because he told me about Divorce care meetings where you talk about divorce. I told C I was not interested in D but wanted reconcillation and this was not an option at this time.
Plan A and B was interesting. Right now it would not work for me -- too soon but maybe Plan A concept could work. T2L what is the plan for Saturday? I have hope for you.

Wow C sounds like he's read the book. The Love bank is in the book.

Hopefully you all had a chance to look at the links I posted so I make sense.

Plan A is starting for me on Friday night or Saturday depending on whether his schedule. So I decided to allow him to come fix the car and then I added a whole bunch of other chores too since he's been gone out of the home for 5 months things add up. My Plan A is going to be very short maybe 2 weeks. The book says that no one should be in Plan A over 6 months because eventually it will deplete your love bank and then no matter what happens you will not want to reconcile. so some friends listen to me rant last week and said Good Lord you should already be in a Plan B before you lose your sanity. They said you need to do a quick Plan A and then right into Plan B because to a degree he is cake-eating.

Plan A goal is to meet as many of H's highest emotional needs. These make love deposits. The 10 emotional needs are: affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, recreational companionship, honesty and openness, attractiveness of spouse, financial support, domestic support, family commitment and admiration. You will need to read the book and then at then end there is a questionnaire. So I am going to try(Lord help me) to meet his top 5 emotional needs(except for sex-just gonna be sexy if that makes sense). Can't go there til he's ready to reconcile. Then I invited him to go with the family for my son's bday at Disneyland next Thursday(9th) as well. Going to try again to be upbeat confident and meet any emotional needs and letting him know how much I love him. Which I have not done since the start.

Then within a few days of Disneyland(probably Sunday after sons actual bday) I will be going into Plan B. The reason for the Plan A is for him to have good memories and know my love for him and to remember all the needs I have met by depositing into his love bank. Plan B is to write a letter to H saying that I love you so very much and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you but I am cutting off all contact with him(going dark completely) to preserve any love that I may have for him. That if I don't cut off communication at some point I will have no love left and won't want the marriage so i am doing this to protect my love for you. I have chosen (close friend) to be a mediator. You can contact(close friends) to arrange all visitation and financial etc etc concerning me. When you are ready to cut off all contact with OW and write her a letter of no contact, which I can help you with then you may call me. I ask that you respect my wishes to protect our marriage.

By me then going into the Plan B he must now get ALL of his emotional needs from OW and she can't possibly meet them all. I will also make some kind of contact to her either by letter but most likely to her voice mail letting her know that by spending the whole day with him at Disneyland on Thursday I realize how much I love my H and I am willing to fight for him and when he dumps you I will be here waiting for him. (Gonna be sure I mention Disneyland just in case he says he has to go away on business to her.) This will also make her go cuckoo and start to unravel. So that's my Plan. Plus it gives them a realistic Idea of what divorce would feel like. They also say that after about 3 weeks of no contact you start to feel better and that no matter what happens your ready for it.

Told D17 of the plan and oddly enough she loves it. She usually thinks everything is stupid in her 17 year wisdom. So she has actually Plan A'ing her dad by calling him at night when he's home with her. OW hate any contact with family it makes them unravel too. So for now we all feel empowered a little more, not like were just waiting for things to come our way.

They say you must be ready to go into the Plan B. so don't even start the plan A until you know you have it in you to do the Plan B because then your spouse will cake eat and you do not want that.
So for the next few weeks I'm working my Plan A. Get the book though it'll make more sense.
On top of that still GAL'ing. went to a salsa boot camp on sunday was loads of fun! Walking daily eating healthy too.

Anyways feel like this is my last push and i'm ready for it. I've spent almost 6 months(on the 23rd) with him gone and not sure if I continue in this same way that I will want to reconcile so I needed to go into a stronger plan and I do want to protect the little amount of love I have left for him. Its getting smaller by the day and have to fight off hatred so I think this is going to be good for me and the kids.
So more later, I'm hoping you all like the book. Don't skip any pages when you read it. Its really going to at least even if you don't decide to do the plans your going to have a better understanding of the mindsets of individuals who commit affairs.