KAW..glad you had a pretty good time on vacation..just being able to relax alittle helps...and if I am not missing something you did mention to CAW that you were taking extra day and maybe you could have a picnic(I can't get how to piece and quote!) So I think she wanted to find a way to let some anger out and use it to test you when she wants to go out alone. DOes she not work outside the home..or ever go shopping alone..out with friends..From what she says it sounds like you keep her chained up(now I suppose that could be fun)Does her condition cause any kind of memory loss, so that maybe she did not remember your suggestions? Just trying to throw things out...give her the benefit of the doubt..but sorry that you are frustrated..just living with with her sounds like it's own roller coaster.
But I think this sitch may have shed some light on some of my own. I tend to make rather tentative suggestions when I bloody well KNOW what I'd like to do/eat/watch/listent to. THEN I get mad as hell that CJ doesn't "pick up" my intentions. I think I'm being PLAIN AS DAY!!!!
But apparently there IS some kind of communication to work on.
JJ has some excellent POV on this. What do YOU think????
This situation reminds me of how I interact with my W sometimes. You see, after we've "been in each other's pockets" for a few days I can sense her wanting some space. She won't really tell me, I think it's because she's afraid it will hurt my feelings, but I can tell.
So, I was just wondering whether your W is operating with the same the state of mind where she needs some space, but doesn't want to tell you 'cuz she's afraid it might hurt your feelings? Thus, she's begins to feel resentful when you "push" to do more together.
It's unfortunate how she handled it, but we both know how she's not one to typically say how she really feels. Right?
Thanks for all the great imput and you guys weren't all that far off as to how it all broke down.
I can see in my irksome haste in posting yesterday, I wasn't a clear I could be ... it seems was the same with CAW too. So to clarify some ...
This friend of hers is also a co-worker and CAW mentioned to her that she needed to talk to her about some changed in the upcoming school year. Friend didn't like left to ponder it and wanted to talk soonest which was Monday, but CAW didn't agree to it and afterwards even told me she might let her linger a couple more days ...
so when I watched the weather forecast the evening before and I suggested taking the day off so we can go on a picnic or something... She said nothing, I took as acceptance of my suggestion, so I decided to take the day off. After I called into work in the morning, CAW's friend call to see when they would get together. I heard CAW say I am home taking another vacation day and there was no mention of agreement or disagreeing for that matter) to get together on that day, so that just re-enforced my conception that she was going with my suggestion, which is why I was caught off guard when she said she was going to see friend & shop.
So the breakdown was when I had expressed my intension, I expected it to be the precursor to CAW voicing her intentions. Since she didn't I took it as she agreed to my suggestions and based my exectation on that. She doesn't see it that way! By not saying anything she felt she was leaving her options open. When I asked last night why did she just give some sort of response so I didn't have to search or mindread her thoughts, she just shrugged her shoulders!
So even after talking last night she really didn't see any shortcomings on her behalf and I was left feeling like I was left having make all the changes by assuming nothing ... making sure I ask all the question to cover all the bases or just don't intiate spending another day together and leave it to her to suggest it. I feel much like jethro, why could she just make a little effort by saying what's on her mind? How can one improve communication when the other doesn't see a need on her behalf to even communicate anything?
Is it really testing me or is it manipulating the outcome to try to bring back the old behaviors. This lack of effort / desire to work on her shortcomings is really getting aggravating which is testing my patience and self-control. It seems so needless!! Why put us in that position, when all she would need to do is speak out. I make it a point to voice my intentions as much as possible so she doesn't have to make as many assumptions, all I'm asking is for her to do the same.
Sue, she is sure trying to hold on to her POV that she is on a "short chain", and uses these scenarios to fuel that perception. (Remeber the Walmart incident a couple of weeks ago) and trys to muddle up the real issue, which is to please let me know before she picks up her keys and heads for the door ... or in another words ... be a little more respectful and considerate when she wants to go out.
Well, now I'm back to work, so hopefully I'll now have time to do a little catching up on ya all...
The downside of taking a week off is its gonna take another week to catch up on everyone, but am looking forward to it...
Quoting jethro: It's unfortunate how she handled it, but we both know how she's not one to typically say how she really feels. Right?
Hi there Big-J, looks like we cross posted, but what you said here is the crux of my frustrations now. I just tired of being the one has to make all the "right moves" month after month.
Quoting jethro: So, I was just wondering whether your W is operating with the same the state of mind where she needs some space, but doesn't want to tell you 'cuz she's afraid it might hurt your feelings? Thus, she's begins to feel resentful when you "push" to do more together.
I tried to ward off this by telling her I don't mind at all if she wants to somewhere alone, but I think she twists what she hears around to mean something different. Its twice in two weeks, that we had this same conversation, but I don't feel any of what was said will change it from happening again, so I think she the next time she does her own thing at a "drop of a hat", I'm just gonna have to bite my tongue and say, "Have a good time!"
I hear your frustration and I send you a comforting hug.
I wonder what would have been the outcome if when wife said she was going out with friend, you said ok, and took daughter on picnic instead?
I remember Michele telling a story in one of her books about Couple A who invited Couple B to various outings. The B's were always late and finally, one time the A's ate dinner without them. When the B's finally showed up, the A's told them they could help themselves to the food which had been put away into left over tupperware.
I am thinking that doing something similar might help you.
Welcome back to your bb friendly zone...too bad it has to be work .
Jeez that's frustrating! W couldn't see your POV on this at all????
I think I posted this to you before, or perhaps someone else...but some people by virtue of their very personality like to "leave options open" till the very last minute....has your W done this before? Is it a pattern?
If so, (and even if not) perhaps you need to take these things a little less personally (I KNOW, I KNOW! ).
Perhaps also, you might have to try to be more concrete in your mention of time spent together. Don't take no reply or a shrug as an answer! If your W "can't decide" or "won't commit" then do what you'd planned or something else without her! Sure would save you some stress AND might make her think twice in the future.
KAW..the patience thing gets old after awile..but we all know we have to keep these changes going, and they do get alittle easier..I also know the biting the tongue thing...mine should have chunks out of it with all that I have had to do..mainly in other areas of my life not with h.
Seems like your w is testing you big time..waiting for a reaction..keep your cool with it..that will really confuse her or maybe she will begin to see the changes are for real and not just temporary. Have you ever just said to her "if you are going to xyz will you pick up xyz for me?" I get the feeling that she thinks she can't go out alone..again her problem, but she needs the little extra boost without her knowing that that is what you are doing.
I understand and sympathize with your frustration. Whassa matta with wanting a private picnic on a nice day?
Geez.
But we have to let them go and do what they do. Glad you know how to shift gears so smoothly.
Sucks.
KAW, you are amazing.
You always manage to roll up your sleeves, show off your tattoo (the DB tatoo "Patience and Discipline"), and let whatever is dumb roll away.
Do you think being able to talk it out has cleared the air? Hope so. Here's to more romance for you both real soon.
Your daughter is very lucky, and think of the great memories she'll have of time spent with you. She's a big winner -- you're teaching her great dance steps, ya know?
What did you do with your vacation? Any fun things just for KAW?
Big hug, lots of waggly dogtails too, I'm in your corner,
By not saying anything she felt she was leaving her options open. When I asked last night why did she just give some sort of response so I didn't have to search or mindread her thoughts, she just shrugged her shoulders! 
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