Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again NikB #29 (keepin' up the piecing!)

Wow.. tough night.

H and I had a nice dinner out actually.

Got home to an answering machine message of my dad almost sobbing and it finally cut off because he couldn't even talk. As his daughter it REALLY hurt.

H looked at me panicked and I said "wish me good luck"... he did and raced for the garage to "work on stuff." So I called Dad back. He said "I'm so sorry, I'm better now" but he was still crying, and we talked for over an hour. Proud of myself for calming him down... and not losing it (esp. when he talked about how he almost couldn't calm himself down and did the "unthinkable"). H was proud too but I know my Dad's bipolar kinda scares him so it was cool that was proud and not running for the hills. At least, so I hope.

I just wish I knew HOW to handle this stuff better. Gist of it was Dad found out his STBWX (my stepmom) is dating... Dad went to a movie tonight and couldn't stop picturing her "with" the men in the movies. (um yeah Dad.. I really DON'T want to hear about that!!). I mostly did the "I'm sorry, that sounds really tough.. sooo.." thing and talked about OTHER topics. A little about his feelings but he's VERY caught up in the physical part and frankly it's icky to me to be talking to my Dad (or his X, or STBX) about sexlives!

Changed the subject as often as possible to positives for my Dad and/or Sis... hope it was enough.

Nik,

Good that you were there for your D.
No child like to hear that there parents have/had Sex.

Geez how do they think they got here!

JAK

Glad the puppy is doing well!

And good communication stuff with H!

That sucks about your dad. So rough. I think you handled that SO well.

I think I can come to the party!

(((Nikki)))

Nik--

Interesting things happening in my world.

Oh, and I do not know about everyone else, but I REFUSE to believe my parents EVER had sex. I am still buying into the whole stork thing!!

Glad that your H was able to recognize your restraint with Dad. It is a positive, as not alot of people want to deal with crises like that.

SMW

Nik, how wonderful that you and your H got to have a nice diner out. Sorry it ended witht he ick factor. As someone who lived through a betrayal, I'm sure your dad really appreciated the support you gave him. It just goes to show you that no matter how old you get, this stuff is always hard. I have to admit that the thought of EVER going through this again makes me gun shy about dating. I think I have learned many lessons though and will not let my R get to the point it did with my STBXH.

You and your H have come so far...from I never loved you, to healthy debates over discovery channel shows to wonderful diner. You are an inspiration to those still trying to work things out. When I read your first post I truly did not think you guys would make it. Of course I really thought that I would be a success story. Guess it goes to show you that I really dont know anything.

oh wow, I didn't realize your dad actually thought the "unthinkable". he's very lucky to have a daughter such as yourself. There's really not a whole lot you can do for your dad. He's going to have to learn for himself, and as long as you are there to help support him, and listen to him, then I think that is what you need to do.

and OMGosh, my mom had to talk about her and my dad's "positions" once! I almost died!!!!

I'm very sad, I want to be invited to your party!!! I've never been to a party that big before! How can you have that many people???? If I'm ever in cali, then you have to promise to have a party when I'm there, okay?

Thanks all!!

jak
I know.. seriously.. I know how I got here, I just don't want to hear about it!
(and especially not how much you miss "it" with the woman you cheated with while married to my Mom!... so, no, things don't always work out when the WAS marries OW!)

Michelle
Thanks. And I'm so glad you can come!! I hope work continues to cooperate.

SMW
Thanks for dropping in and for letting me know you had things going on. Good things, I think. I'm with ya on the stork! Yeah, I was glad for how H responded to my Dad's stuff too. I'm sure he's got more going on in his head about it than he's telling/showing me, but that's OK... he didn't freak out and he didn't just totally shut down either.

BH
Thank you for stopping in. I need to catch up with you too! You're on a forum I don't visit as much now, but I'll look for ya later today.

It's been interesting trying to help my Dad through all this for the reason mentioned above.. he was the WAS when he left my Mom, and in fact cheated with his current STBXW. He denies it but I know for a fact that he's lying. Not that I've talked to him about it at all in a very long time, but it's just another little "twist" in the whole mess. I told him early on that I was glad she had the strength of character to leave without cheating on him (and told him how rare that is, after seeing so many sitches on here). Later realized that might not have been the best thing to say given how he left my Mom! Oh well. He's been feeling extremely guilty and wrote my Mom an 8 page apology letter.

I know what you mean, the thought of ever suffering through this again is pretty frightening! Even though we're doing well now, I think about it almost daily. I guess maybe that's good in that it keeps me more on my toes though.

ST
I owe ya an email too - soon! I only have about 20 min. and wanted to check in here before email.

Yeah.. the "unthinkable".. yikes. He's actually attempted it twice that I know of and threatened it (the "cry for help" type of threat where he didn't actually intend to follow through) another two times over the past 30 or so years. It's pretty scary. Thanks for the kind words. Yes, he'll have to learn it for himself... I'm glad that at least he is FINALLY doing some of that.

You are now officially invited!! Although I realize that it's wayyyy too far away. I promise we'll throw one if you ever come to Cali!

As to how we have that many people... well, the house itself isn't that big but the open "entertaining" type area is pretty big (as opposed to the tiny bedrooms). We also have a pretty large patio and backyard. So, as long as we get some outdoor heaters going, we have quite a bit of room.

The first time we threw a big party I thought H was absolutely crazy inviting so many people. We ended up with nearly 100 for our New Year's / Mardi Gras theme party! THAT was a little much. I was in the house and it was totally packed so I went outside to get some air... and it was packed, too! The more complicated part is feeding that many people. I don't want to get stuck cooking all night so I've become pretty good at finding creative wys to keep stuff on ice (last "summer" party I set up a kiddie pool with ice water in it), or finding foods that can either sit in a crockpot with an occasional stir, or sit out at room temp for a long time.

Should be fun!!

---------
No major updates... things are going well with H, and my "pup" continues to do well. She finally stopped trying to itch so much which is great!

Oh! One cool update. For my birthday.. H kept trying to think of ideas for this weekend but kept feeling like he wasn't really coming up with something "great" for me. He was thinking about going out on his dad's boat, but knew his Dad wouldn't let us take it just on our own so didn't really like that idea.. thought about Tahoe but thought it's something we do all the time... Monterey, but the drive's too far when we have to be back for dinner at MIL's on Sunday. So he finally asked me if I had any ideas. I couldn't think of anything and then it hit me when I looked at my pics from last Fall (which I still have on the fridge) - Sonoma!!

I hesitated at first but then thought what a good way it would be to "reconnect" in a way. For those new to my sitch.. when I got the last "bomb" last October (the second "we should separate") I took off for almost a week. I planned to start in Sonoma then drive to the coast, but fell in love with Sonoma and stayed there. Had a wonderful time, saw lots of sites met lots of people... it was so much fun and exactly what I needed. Since then, Sonoma's kinda been "my" place to go when I need a break.

So.. at first I thought it would be weird for "us" to go there but then I thought about it differently. In a new R, what things do you do early on to connect? Well, the first one that came to mind is sharing favorite sites and activities! So, that made me feel really good about this idea. I suggested Sonoma and H said "What's in Sonoma?" so I told him a bit and he was excited to go site seeing, wine tasting, etc. So I'm really excited. It'll be fun!!

Unfortunately there is some sort of art festival this weekend that has ALL the hotels totally booked up. I did find one room at a motel that's normally around $120... it was $300!!! H said "That's OK it's your birthday after all!" but I just think that's WAY too much to spend (and he seemed kinda relieved that I emphasized it was too much). We could stay about 20 min. away.. but really it's only an hour and half drive, so I think we'll just go for the day. H said "Well guess that means we're getting up early! I'll treat ya to [my favorite coffee drink] at Starbucks on the way out of town.. with the convertible top down, of course!" Very sweet.

Hope everyone's having a good week! My 20 minutes is up and has turned into 30 minutes .. so gotta run for now but I'll be on later.

For the dog lovers... pics of Delta last week:

My Girlie

Other than the missing hair and the stitches, she's back to her normal self this week. Hooray!

Sonoma is SO pretty! That'll be a ton of fun! Your H really is sweet.

Glad your girl is doing well!

(((Nikki)))

Thanks Michelle!! Yes sooo glad she's OK. Tonight she even looked at me disgusted and went to bed early... means she's totally back to herself.

H was funny tonight.. he called me at work WAY earlier than he'd normally call me to tell me he was going to be out, looking at cards "and stuff." And said "Please don't be suspicious I'm just looking at cards and..uh.. stuff." (in other words... likely shopping for my BD card and gift along with his sis and grandfather's).

I recently told him that I want us both to have our "freedom" but it bothers me to not know if I should expect him at 4, 8, or 10... he said the same about me.. so we agreed to call each other on "unusually late" nights. Very cool that he called me!! This is also THE first year he's bought his family's cards. Even when we were practically separated I did it as a favor. He called to specifically ask me NOT to so he could do it.

I try to restrain myself but lately sometimes I ask "That's what you're really doing, right?"... tonight I started to and stopped myself and H joked "I know, I know, yes I really AM out shopping for cards and YOUR BD is coming up so don't ask me for so many details!"

He was in a funky mood tonight but I did my best to think about it (WAS it me??) and not take it personally.. hopefully the right approach. Where's that "line" between trusting your gut and "it's not about me"?? Gotta find that one...