Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Starting from scratch

just journaling a bit. just when i start to get a little down or start a pity party for myself, wife does something spontaneous. called me at work, asked me if i wanted to meet for lunch. we used to do this quite often in earlier years of m. not a grand gesture but ever so appreciated by me. my w is a figure competitor. this is bodybuilding without big muscles. its all about getting lean and showing muscle that you have. its not my cup of tea. imo kind of narcissistic, but i have been supportive of her since march. she has a comp. this weekend, then one in two weeks. then she says she is done. i hope that is the case because she is on the strictist of diets, works out 6 days a week and is always tired. our saturday morning are taken with her workouts. i do go occasionally and work out with her but sometimes feel like a 3rd wheel because her trainer is there also. any way, just looking forward to a long break from this training. on top of all her training and diet, she still doesnt have a job. she stayed home with son for 5 years and is just now actively pursuing job. somtimes my resentment creeps in because i have to go to work and she stays home. but, she still contributes to the running of household. probably more than i realize. anyway i am very happy she is back although she never physically left. just mentally checked out. i need work on gal, and 180's. i'll keep pluggin along.

just one other thing for all the helpful ladies. being the DAM that i am sometimes i struggle with what the exact meaning of intimacy is. could i get some clarification, and maybe specifics of what women long for intimacy wise. thank you

Hey -- I still feel this way a lot of the time & I'm 2 yrs post bomb.

I'm going to read on to see what advice you got.

It does get better though

I found that, in the beginning, no R talk was the best way to go. Just kind of go w/ the flow. Continue w/ the changes that you made for the better and just keep working & worrying about YOU.

You said something about her feeling like she has control in your M -- don't allow her to feel this way. You need to continue to DB even after the bomb has been extinguished. Continue to work out and feel good about YOU. When you feel good about yourself, you won't worry about whether she has "control" or not b/c you don't care about that. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm also thinking like a "girl" in the fact that when I feel good about myself physically, meaning I've been working out & I'm looking good, I feel more powerful myself b/c I feel good about myself -- see? So if you feel good about yourself, you aren't worrying about her.

I've had a few breakdowns since he's been back and even a few over web cam while he was gone (a month after H decided to "stay," he was deployed for a year). The last time, he said that he was sick of being slapped in the face w/ what he did & I told him that's not what I'm doing, it just still hurts me -- THIS IS ABOUT ME!! not necessarily what you did, but how I still feel about it. I think we LBS are allowed these moments every once in awhile. Now if we do it constantly, that would definitely get old and I can't see the WAS sticking around for that.

Ok, just a few thoughts after I read your thread.

thank you very much. will take words to heart

I'm not trying to be negative about all of this. I feel like that is the way I came across.

DB'ing is a lifestyle though in my opinion. It is a way to keep our M's alive and good for both parties. Unfortunately, WE as the LBS are the ones always DB'ing, but I feel that the WAS will respond to our efforts. It may take awhile to actually "see" the WAS putting forth effort, but obviously it is worth it in the end.

Also, in some ways, once we have been living our lives and treating our M's in a "DB'ing manner," it will become effortless on our part. The positive changes we have made in ourselves will become the "new" person we are and we won't even think about acting in our "old ways."

Also, remember that figuring out what your S's love language is is also pretty important. Your S usually treats YOU in the way that is THEIR love language, so if you both don't have the same love language, you may not be responding or recognizing their efforts to love you in the way they know how to or want to be loved in. I think you can kind of hint around or show your S your love language or, once you feel more comfortable in the R/M, you can even share the book w/ them and discuss it.

i agree with you. it is about LL. i know wife knows mine but i am not totally sure about hers. when we were going through "the junk", we read the book. but she was just going through the motions. i will bring it up again sometime. i just dont think now is right. youre right dbing will always be on our shoulders but it is getting easier as you say. kind of second nature. about the control, i dont care anymore about that. what i do like is when we work as a team. we are definitely getting there. thanks

Hey red--quick question.

When you know what your spouse's LL is--or at least are fairly certain--and we are dealing with distance, how do you pull it off? My h's LL appears to be quality time. How do I show him that he is on my mind and I am giving him that time without coming across as pursuing? It is a fine line I think. Any suggestions?

SMW

Definitely a fine line. I can remember when H was first deployed waking up every morning and the first thing I would do was check my email from him. There usually wasn't anything, but I continued to just send him pics of the boys & sending him update emails anyway knowing that I was showing him my love and he could do w/ it as he chose.

I understand in your sitch, there may be a fine line in not wanting to seem as if you are pursuing. I think you will know when you are crossing that line. I think you will feel comfortable sending him updates/pics etc. and you will kind of just get a niggling when/if you feel maybe you are overdoing. Does that make sense?

Yes it does. I am thinking that i am fine, then. I went five days with no emails but felt like I had to absolutely not send anything until I heard from him.