Betsey-ok so reading your post made me feel even more connected...xh - he didn't have an "affair" till later...long story short he bailed..kinda like yours accept unlike yours mine is a runner..... this time he ran from me...he did me ow only 2 weeks after leaving....he partied like there was no tomorrow... now i dont know what he is doing...dont know much of anything really.
trying to take the steps..do the do.. bla bla bla. =) i know it is what you have to do but well you know...
oh yeah -- my birthday is around the corner....ugh.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Sure hope to get some response to this but just wondering..... and again I know this is otu there as a question all the time but here goes...
If there is no hate between us - we can communicate - i have forgiven -- and he is supposedly done with ow (or vice-versa) why don't they turn back around and pursue us again???
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Pride? Not wanting to look like an even bigger fool by admitting that it was a mistake to leave his family in the first place? Or maybe just a continuation of the MLC---she wasn't "the one," so maybe the next one will be, or the next one after that, or the next one after that...... You get the picture.
But....Wow...I wish I was at that point---current OW out of the picture.
I honestly believe that while DB'ing is good for ME while H has OW, there is no chance at all for us to have any kind of relationship as long as OW is in the picture, DB'ing or no DB'ing. Maybe if he hadn't moved out........but since he did, and since OW has been living with him for 16 months, she is firmly in control. I don't see him often enough for my DB'ing principles and actions to make an impact on him at all. Right now it's all for me. That's fine, but if one of my long-term goals is to save my marriage, it's very frustrating!
I sympathize with your frustration at him not being open to looking back toward the family now that his OW is out of the picture, but at least he has the opportunity. While OW was in the picture, she wouldn't even give him the opportunity to look toward his family.
I wish I had the answers to this whole mess.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
You know cagz, I am glad that my H and the OW are over, well for now anyway, but the thing is that since he isnt coming back to me, even though the thought crossed his mind, now I find myself wondering what he is doing on the weekends. Who is he with, whats he doing. Before at least I knew he was with the OW. Now, I wonder who he is seeking out. But the thing is, I am the one he calls now that he is bored, or needs money, etc. OW has her a new man and he cant go see her or call her whenever. I feel like if he would just get over his stubborness, he could come back. But I guess I just have to really Dbust now!! More than before!!! Guess its time to go and reread the book!! Hadnt read it in a while!!
Take care!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Cagz, The only person who will be there for every birthday you have in your lifetime is YOU. So...treat YOURSELF the way you would like to be treated on your special day, and anything else that comes your way for it is gravy.
Don't give him the power to ruin it for you. Take back your power. It belongs to you and no one else, and cannot be stolen; it can only leave you if you give it away. Take it back.
Decide for yourSELF that you will have a good birthday! After all...consider the alternative to having birthdays!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Happy Birthday Cagzmom!! Make it a good one!! Have a Great Day!!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I hope you read every word of Dawn's post and take it to heart! Do you realize how unempowering your comment about it was? The more you give into that victim thinking, the more negative you are going to view your world. Woman, celebrate the fact that you have made it this far and look at how much of your life is ahead of you to live happily and healthily?
Comment on why they might not come back. Lots of water under the bridge when you cause a catastrophic tornado in the family. The damages are immense and the guilt they feel for doing it prevents them from working on themselves and repairing the relationships that were wilfully damaged. There's also the reason they left. Cagz, you better not take that personally because I mean it. But just try to view things through their distorted glasses a bit. When they haven't done the hard core self work, how can they possibly see YOU differently when they haven't changed?
Besides, this is a most unproductive line of thought and I want you to stop it. It means you are still stuck and wanting to take a look at the site where the train wreck occurred and has been long cleared. I would much prefer to see you musing about your own possibilities. Once you cease the stinkin' thinkin' things are going to seem lighter and happier.
Now get on with celebrating your birthday!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
[quote=Dawn of Hope]Cagz, The only person who will be there for every birthday you have in your lifetime is YOU. So...treat YOURSELF the way you would like to be treated on your special day, and anything else that comes your way for it is gravy.
Thank you for that...... good reminder...
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Betsey