Hi Ali Thanks for your post and taking the time to write to me and tell me how it looks. Its good to have your insight.
I've just finished reading Passionate Marriage - and it is by FAR the best and most challenging book ever. I think what you are going through Ali is really normal and part of acceptance. But I'd definitely recommend this book if and when you want to take your journey to the next level.
I think I threw myself into the relationship, and lost myself and I was so caught up in being H's wife. Maybe I am creating barriers now.... I think I have been swinging between being needy and then being distant (which your right is not helpful either). But after reading this book I'm holding onto myself more.
And honestly it seems like when I try and show H I'm keen he backs away. But he was sooooo interested and said he was jealous about my plans to go travelling. So I actually think that 'works' - well actually it doesnt matter anymore if it works or not, I like the feeling that I'm looking after myself and doing this for me. Sometimes I wonder if he doesnt make a date to see me, because my life is so 'full' and he doesnt want to be rejected. But then I think flipping heck, that's not stopping other guys asking me out on dates. And I'm always warm and encouraging and happy to see H.
Anyway he came over today (briefly) (after wakeboarding), and he couldnt keep his hands off me! Really huggy and kissy. But he had to leave and only stayed about 10 minutes.
But honestly it feels like this huge weight has lifted. I really like me. Its not rejection anymore. Its just his choice to be with me or not. And its OK that he's choosing to only see me a little bit, because I really like me!
I feel like I'm on a bit of a high - it will be interesting to see how long this lasts, and if I have to continually face the rejection thing, or if this was the last spurt of this growth phase??
I think I've also decided that I'm OK for things to continue this way until Christmas, but after that I might need to shake it up. I dont want to give an ultimatum, but I am prepared to walk away. I just dont know the 'best' way to approach this - and by 'best' I think the way that leaves me with the 'power', or at least the 'control' of myself.
Ahh I must be close to be able to write my own self help book!
I had the day off work yesterday as I was feeling sick. H and his apprentice showed up to finish the bathroom and laundry. Of course I had greasy hair, no makeup, wearing sloppy clothes! Oh well! H definitely keen to still kiss me (sigh!).
I asked H if he wanted to take the 4 boxes that I had packed up with his stuff. He took 2 - and left the bigger 2 in my spare room.
I had to ring him later about my tax return. We had a nice conversation. I did ask him if he had a busy weekend planned, and he said he hadnt thought about it but he would be out on Sunday so might pop in (ggggrrrr). That made me upset, but I had a go at self soothing, and holding onto myself.
Later in the evening I missed a call from H. So I returned with the following text messages: E "I have a problem with the shower, do you know anyone who could help ;)" H What didnt you realise its a 2 person shower I can help if you need help E "Ha ha I love your sense of humour! The shower definitely needs to be christened. Plenty of volunteers but tricky to find anyone to help with the laundry" H See thats where Ive got the upper hand cause I created the laundry so I must be in the top 3. E "Your pretty sure of yourself! I dont know if you'd be able to handle the steam and the slippery tiles and how the whole house shakes on the spin cycle"
At which point H rang me and we had a flirty conversation. Its a new fun side to H that I'm seeing (and I guess its a reflection of my new fun side too)
H said that the reason that he rang me was because in one of the boxes he found his old travel diary - from when we travelled around the world for 18 months together. And he said it was so funny (he sounded sad though) and that next time he came out he would bring it with him so we could read it together. He was sounding quite sentimental - so I just said "Yeah it has lots of good memories hey?" (Side note the boxes also had one of our wedding photo albums - I kept one, and gave him the other).
I also said that if there is anything else he wanted fron our house he can have it (he said something flirty like he just wants me).
We ended the conversation with more laughing and talk of possums and drills (wink!). I said that he'd better not wait until Sunday till he see's me. So he said "I'll be around Wednesday night - with chocolate body paint". So we will see if he turns up or not!!
Mostly I'm just glad that I turned my own fear of rejection / things are never going to improve / I want more intimacy than he can give etc. into a positive interaction with H.
Wish me luck for Wednesday (although I'm half tempted to pull out to make him chase a bit more... the anticipation and the flirting is the best part). Plan is to be there for Wednesday but not around Sunday (I hate the popping in after wakeboarding thing)
OMG!!!!!!! Chocolate body paint???!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder if you are secretly a "H magnet" when you are in your pajamas/sweatclothes/messyhair !! didn't this happen at the gym too??
I wonder... might he be going wakeboarding just so he might run into you, or something??? I wonder if you are getting fixated on the "H needs to not only see me when he is wakeboarding thing" a little bit? Though it seems like you are doing awesome to DIVERSIFY your interactions. Obviously no one wants to wait around hoping someone will show up... but what is behind this frustration with his wakeboarding drop-ins, is there some deeper issue maybe?
SO EXCITED FOR YOUR AMAZING FLIRTY TEXT CONVERSATION TOO!!! where do you guys come up with these lines? two person shower? laundry??? so clever!!!!
Hi T! I missed you! Did I tell you how good the book has been for me?
Do you think I'm being slightly ridiculous about the wakeboarding thing? It frustrates me sooooo much. Maybe I am oversensitive about this. I feel like if he wants to see me he should be making an effort and trying to do something nice with me. And popping in after wakeboarding isnt all that much fun! And he's not risking anything - if I'm not there he doesnt pop in. He doesnt have to invest anything. I am disappointed that when he gave me the speech where he said he loved me, and he wanted to date me, that that hasnt actually turned into any dates. (Except initiated by me). I might have got the idea that if a guy is into a girl he will do anything to see her.... and popping in after wakeboarding doesnt feel so much like that. Do you think my expectation is too high?
I just realised what the deeper issue is. I love to have things to look forward to. I love to have a plan. I wish H would make a plan to see me, not so much of this spontaneous crap!
I wish that he might be going wakeboarding so that he could run into me, but he's not. He used to go wakeboarding even when he definitely did NOT want to see me (i.e. drive away quickly when he could see me over the fence!). And he doesnt change his wakeboarding time if he knows what time I will be there or not. He just loves the wakeboarding, which is OK. I can be more enjoyable than wakeboarding after all!
Well H & I had hot sex last week. Very nice. He didnt stay the night though... And then he didnt call me for 5 days... and I decided that I wasnt going to make the first move, I would wait until he missed me enough to contact me.
And eventually he did call me and we had a nice conversation.... I'm just not sure that I really want him back now?!? Oopps! Thats a bit weird huh? Anyway I'm off to NZ for work all next week, and then really busy with a work project for the next couple of weeks after that. If H wants to contact me and DATE ME he can pursue me. I'm really not fussed one way or another.
Of course I know that my feelings can change again overnight, and I'll be back to missing him and wishing he would make more of an effort!!! Emotions are funny!
OMG Essie, HOW did I miss your post from like, two weeks ago? I am so sorry, this whole time I was thinking, where is essie, what is going on in her situation?????? and you had posted to me and I didn't even reply? I am so sorry!!!! I wasn't ignoring you, I just didn't see that post for some reason????
I wonder if the reason why H likes to see you after wakeboarding is because it is not risky. Maybe he is really, really scared of being rejected by you, so the best way for him to try to reach out is a way where if you don't respond, he can't be hurt. Like in passionate marriage, the longer we're with someone, the more important they are to us, the HARDER it is to be close to them.
I am excited you had hot sex!!! that is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! how did it happen? I am so proud of you!!!!! why didn't he spend the night, was it your suggestion that he leave, or his? And the not calling you for five days... men are rubber bands, right? So, it is possible that could be him just needing time to process, even though that's the time when you would most need to be reassured. (this is classic mars and venus).
Can you tell us more, why you aren't sure that you want him back now?
As for the planning thing... I have a couple thoughts. Is it possible that he might be wanting you to initate more, because he needs reassurance and he is afraid of risking getting hurt? I wonder--it seems like a lot of the behavior you are expecting from him is sort of like dating-someone-who-is-a-stranger behavior--the guy being an aggressive pursuer. But because you are the one person on this earth who knows him more than anyone else, the stakes are much higher for him if he is rejected by you. It would hurt a lot more than it would hurt him to be rejected by some random girl he met in the grocery store parking lot or whatever.
It seems like maybe you have specific expectations from him that are a little rigid. Why is this, Essie darling? He can pursue me, etc? I wonder if it might be fruitful to examine these rules assumptions and think... where are they coming from? Have they helped me so far? What is the pattern? How can I do more of what works?
I wonder, do you think having plans is a security issue? Do you need the safe feeling of knowing when you'll see him? Or does having a plan make you feel valued? [When B and I were together we would plan EVERYTHING in advance because we both had weird busy schedules and if we didn't plan we wouldn't be able to spend time together. But when he did want to be spontaneous sometimes it made me really uncomfortable (like he wanted to meet "in the airport" and surprise me where, and I refused and made him pick a specific spot. Geez. I am a freak!) ]
can't wait to hear your thoughts. thank you always for lurking!!
Ps... I wanted to reply to your first post when I could read it. I am SO glad that you liked passionate marriage!!! let's keep discussing it because it is amazing!
I think you are being slightly ridiculous about the wakeboarding thing but I think maybe instead of trying to not be ridiculous you could try to figure out more about why it is upsetting. I don't think your expectations are too high, maybe he just doesn't know what you're looking for, or maybe it means something really different to him.
Is H into plans??
OBVIOUSLY you are more enjoyable than wakeboarding!!!
Maybe I've asked this before, but would you ever go wakeboarding with him? would that be a 180 for you?
Sorry I've been MIA. I hope you're having a great time in NZ, and am so pleased (and jealous!) that you and H had hot sex! Hurray!!
I hope he manages to step up, and agree with T that it may be difficult for him as he might be scared of risking rejection. Maybe go a bit easy on him and let him pursue, but occassionally arrange something yourself?
I had a great time in NZ and have been super busy with work etc that I havent really had time to think about H - maybe I'm just happy with my life the way it is??
And I'm really not interested in making contact with him... I'm starting to lean very strongly towards thinking that he might not be the best life partner for me, and I'm not really interested in having a relationship with him. I think its because when I do see him its still so up and down, great when I see him, but I come away feeling down, and then when he doesnt call, I hate it...
I think we want different things in a R, and I'm at the stage where it doesnt matter how much I love him etc, I'm not prepared to settle for less, and if its not making me feel good to see him then I'd rather not.. (it does sound shallow when written down though). I actually dont feel any attraction to him at the moment.
And my guess is that whatever was happening a little while ago, is just going to fizzle out, becuase I'm not going to bring up a R conversation, and neither is he! (Or maybe he will, if I am patient enough!)
I guess what I'm saying is this roller coaster ride sure is strange, and just when you think you knw the layout of the track, another twist or turn is around the corner!
