Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Breaking the Silence

Hi Daisy,



I don't think this is weird at all. I think at some point we get so sick and tired of the BS that it's hard NOT to imagine someone else being better for us. This is especially the case when you're separated and don't see each other so much. I know sometimes I'm sitting in the coffeeshop and I see other couples, and think that it could be me, I could be in another couple. Then of course when you talk to your H you remember why you're doing all this (provided he's not being an alien).

Sounds you had some nice, non-pressuring communication with your H yesterday. Really well done :).

I like your goals Daisy, and it's good to see that you're feeling more positive. You should, you have a lot of hope in your situation!

ITH

Thanks ITH

I hope that it means alien hubby is gone for awhile, I need a vacation from that one!

One thing that really causes me a lot of stress and time spent wondering if we can make it work is that his parents and I hate each other and I have made it clear that if we ever had children I would not want them to have any kind of relationship with either of them. This used to not be a big deal to my hubby but now it has been dug up again and seems to be a huge issue to overcome and I just don't want to deal with it. I would rather find someone who wasn't "raised" by pond scum to be the grandparents to my future children.

I know there is a solution but sometimes I just think it would be easier to move on and find a relationship that is not so drama filled. I don't know.

I will need time to get over him if we don't work out before I could move on so I guess for now I can still try and put this together but there is also an escape route forming in the back of my mind to leave it all behind and find someone else. It's a strange kind of double mindedness. However the things I need to work on are the same either way. It's all GAL and PMA.

Funny how that works out.

Hi Daisy,

Actually, funny that you mention the "needing time to get over him" thing. On the 2nd ugly phone conversation with H, when he was spewing his venom about us not working out etc., I said that regardless I needed a year to get over him, so I might as well try to make it work during that time. I thin kit threw him for a loop.

I think it's so true though. We do our best to make the Rs work, and if they don't, we are so strong and so content in the fact that we did everything humanly possible that we would probably be able to move on in record time (if needed).

Sorry about the drama with your H's family, but there always has to be drama of SOME kind right? Money, family, sex, religion etc. I wouldn't worry about the family thing being a big deal to your H now. He is still partly an alien, so he will think of everything under the sun that he can use against you. It will get better...

ITH

Thanks ITH

I was trying to remember what you had said when I was writing that post but didn't want to misquote you but that is totally what I meant!

The family drama has been an ongoing thing since we got married and I have not spoken to either of his parents for nearly two years now. Everytime they come up in conversation it leads to a fight. I cannot seem to be civil about it. I am at the point now where I can say "I don't want to talk about it because it will only make me angry" but he seems to want me to burry the hatchet and move on. I am not ready yet. And even when I get to the point of forgiving them I still will not want my kids around them. The thought makes me nauseas and I don't even have kids yet! Insane.

But there is no point in stressing over it now. Down the line it will need to be sorted out and there will probably have to be some compromises made but I am not going to be the one making them all or else. It's really a deal breaker for me. Sad but true.

When we do see each other I am going to keep it calm and cool. No relationship talks, no family talks, nothing. Just focus on having a good time and building more positive memories between us.

I was reading through my previous threads last night when I was bored and I realized that while there have been some sucessful relationship talks along the way they usually are a precursor to drama. So even if we talk about one thing and it goes fine something changes in our mindset and things go downhill rather quickly afterwards, even if it is unrelated. Weird huh? But I thought that was a good pattern and something I need to watch out for.

So we are texting and he just asked me to tell him what I want to do later this week!

Yeeeaaaayyyy!!!! So what did you tell him that you wanted to do?

Cool! What did you tell him?

Hey ladies

So the date is gonna be Thursday since it is the only day I have off this week. Goodness knows I wanted to say "come see me tomorrow after work!" because I miss him sooo much right now but this is better as we will have more time together. I figure if I only get one day this week I want it to be a full day, plus we will have the house to ourselves this way

My IC appointment is that morning so I told him he could come over anytime after eleven-thirtyish. So not a huge set plan, hang out, watch a movie, maybe wash my car

He seemed happy again today, sending weirdo text messages just to be silly and letting me know when his break was so we could talk.

Thursday seems like a long ways away from now but I have something planned everynight until then so it should go pretty fast and it will be good to have even more space between us as it will build the anticipation of being together again. Hopefully having my IC session before can help keep me centered so if anything weird does happen I can deal with it the right way and we can just have a great day together.

I'm so happy and excited! Things are back on the upswing!

Hi Daisy,

I knew it! Your patience paid off. You have between now and Thursday to really prepare yourself emotionally and mentally to have a great day with NO R talk :).

Well done Daisy!

ITH

Thanks ITH

I'm sooo excited to have my non-alien hubby back again! I missed him!

He's been texting all day, letting me know what he is up to and how things are going. It's so nice to be normal with him again.

My one thing I need advice for is how to bring up the list again. If y'all remember we had an assignment from our last counselor to make a list of things that would need to be changed individually so that we could get back together again. He knows that I have my session on Thursday but I think he might have forgot that I need that list from him before I go. I don't want to start a R talk or anything I just need him to write down what he thinks needs to change with me to get back together again. I am sooo afraid of pressuring him right now because I don't want to spook him but at the same time we need to keep making progress within our counseling, especially since I only have 6 sessions.

I am kinda annoyed that he is not signing up to do his IC but maybe that will change. . .