Well last night before we went to the hospital we were actually talking about when/how he would move out, etc...
Then today we spent the whole day together, it was his grandma's 85th birthday there was a party just for family and we were there around 3 hrs with all his family and he acted like things were okay (we didn't act lovey-dovey but weren't distant, either).
We took our son to Karate together then had dinner together. Kids just went to bed. I asked H if he could clarify his thoughts for me since last night was so chaotic and stressful with the hospital trip and everything. I said are we breaking up or are you just saying you are struggling with our situation at this point? He said I don't know, all I know is I want to come home and feel comfortable and be able to relax in my home and right now I just can't no matter how hard I try...
And John as far as OW I came out and addressed her with him yesterday. What did I have to lose? I said if this stress is his guilt over leaving her and wanting her back, I can not be his friend if he goes back to her. I just can't. I can be a fellow parent, but not a friend. He was crying. He was crying the whole time, actually...He said he has not spoken to her, texted, emailed, communicated in any way the past two months. Which is coincidentally (or not) how long he has been feeling this anxiety/tension. He said he knew if that ever happened I couldn't be his friend but that he honestly hadn't spoken/communicated with her...
Also random FYI another former co-worker had a heart attack last week at his desk. That makes three that I know of in the past 4 years including one who dropped dead at his desk....I know that got to my H...
Also I find it interesting that he can't "relax" around me, and yet he held my hand by choice all the way to the hospital, he asked me to come back to the room with him, he lay with his head in my lap on the couch when we got back until it was time to go to bed. So if being around me is stressful, why did he want me around when he thought he was having a heart attack? Wouldn't/shouldn't that have made it worse? I just don't see how he can want me for comfort but also say I stress him out...
Bobbi Jo, I am so sorry I haven't been around. I am also sorry to hear about the change in your sitch too. I thought your H was going to get his sh!t together. Today I sat in church praying for many things, what I need most is a sign of what I should be doing and where I should be headed. I prayed that H would get healthy because he isn't and neither is your H. I'll pray for both of you as well.
On a happier note....Not really, I am up late entering grades online and writing lesson plans. I have an observation this week. Funny how you still get nervous about that after 20 years of teaching.
R 23 years M 20 years Bomb June 2007 S Oct 2007 Ds 11 & 16 Ds and I moved out Aug. 2008
So right after I posted earlier H came downstairs to find me, I was folding laundry. He asked me to come upstairs with him and watch the premiere of "The Office" that I had recorded on our DVR.
Guess he is managing to stay alive around me??? WTF?
I knew I didn't have to bring up that OW thang because that is the first thing on our minds when they get the slightest far-away look in their eyes. BTDT, ya know?
OK... well, we alluded to the pressure he's been under before any of this happened and then you found your pom poms. It really hasn't been long enough (like... days?) to determine that they didn't help, especially in light of the added pressure.
He can't pressure himself to get to some kind of "feeling" to take over him. Is there any way you could find time in your incredibly busy schedules to get him to that movie, Fireproof, that just came out this weekend? I heard about it on some daytime talk show, but there is a website out there-- I think SMW's thread in newcomers has a link to it-- that sounds like something that would reinforce the feelings he's having that "he'd regret leaving you". The actual book out there is one you can incorporate into your lives-- a 40 day "Dare". One thing to do each day. I haven't seen it yet. We're gonna go this week when I get time to schedule it for him (haha).
Hang in there little husband-slayer! Piecing is HARD!!!! If anyone out there who's been at it longer can cheer us up with the news that one day it just gets easy and natural I sure hope they come back and announce it!
I am sorry about the latest development in your situation. Can I ask a question? Is it possible that he "strayed" while he was gone? Maybe not with the OW but with a woman during his trip? I'm just wondering if the guilt of it is what is causing his stress.
I used to work with a guy who would get a hooker in each city he travelled to and when he got home he and he wife would fight because he was so guilty with the indiscretion. Eventually he went to therapy. I don't know if this is anything your husband might have going on, but just a thought. It just seems like a big change in his behavoir.
Sorry for the recent down turn, but if anyone can get through this it is you. I have nothing else to say as I really cant relate with your H - I feel sorry for him that he is in such a confused and stressed state.
Thanks, everyone. Who knows what is going on? I think H still has it in his head that love should be easy, come naturally, be hearts and flowers, etc etc. He said again the other night he just wants to "be happy". I said, so do I, and being free to love you boldy and without fear is what makes me happy. He said he wanted to be able to do that, too.....but he was struggling.
I just don't know how to proceed, really. I asked him last night if he wanted to "break up" (I just hate to say that D word) or if he was just expressing his anxiety/frustration. He just looked at me like he was sad and unsure of himself.
Then I said, "one of the things you mentioned yesterday was that you will make an honest comment to me about something you aren't happy about re. me. Then you said I would get upset or act sad about it and you felt you still can't be honest w/me because it hurts me".
He said, "Yeah I feel like when I tell you the truth if I am not happy about something you just get hurt and I feel like I am not allowed to be honest with you."
I said, "Don't you think if you can be honest and say what you are unhappy about, I should be able to be honest and say that your feelings about our R, or about me, hurt MY feelings sometimes? It doesn't mean I don't want to work on us, it just means I want to be as open with you as you are with me."
H said that made sense, he hadn't thought about it like that. SO I don't know. He is doing chores after work and then coming home for dinner. I assume he is going to stay here....he did last night.
My main concern is that I could act "as if" we are just in a rough patch but moving forward, and then he up and leaves next week and says I "knew" he would b/c of our talk this past weekend.
And yet I don't want to keep bringing up the discussion we had Saturday where he said he can't do this anymore, b/c he has mentioned more than once that a big source of his anxiety at home is having to go over and over the negative crap in our relationship to the point where it isn't enjoyable to even be at home.
Last night I dropped the subject after asking if he wanted to break up (he never said yes, never said no, just said he was struggling). I went downstairs and totally left him alone where "old BBJ" would have peppered him with questions about how/why/what next/etc etc. Then HE came downstairs and sought ME out to come watch The Office with him. After saying he was not able to "relax" being here with me???
So, any ideas? Do I act like we are just going through a little setback but trying to tough our way through it? Or do I act like a woman whose husband said he can't do it anymore and needs to live somewhere else?
I thought that phrase "I can't do this anymore" did not actually refer to your marriage, but to whatever was going wrong for him at the moment. Did he say that he was referring to the marriage?
