DQ, Good questions. I've always had issues with sex because of sexual abuse when I was younger. My H was always trying to help me get over these issues but after a while I started to feel like he was trying to get me to do things differently because he wasn't happy. Now I realize he was trying to help, but over the years, I just started to believe that I wasn't making him happy. The A happened when I was in a diff country, away from my family. No excuse at all, but for 12 hours a day, sitting next to someone who was SO interested in me (or so I thought) and thought I was so funny, smart, pretty, etc., I basically just fell for it. Then I started getting addicted to the emotional presents I was getting. Since all this came out, my H and I have had a pretty good sex life. I've felt more free than ever -- but it depends on the mood. Lately, it's just been feeling like nothing -- for both of us. Yuck, how did I get this messed up??
As for the thing last night, did your H already know some of the details about that last night with your OM, and then asked you to re-create it? Or did he not know the details and then asked you to tell him the details by playing it out together?
I think he knew them. I'm pretty sure I've told him before how it happened. Maybe he was testing to see if I added any details, I don't know. And the problem is, I'm so good at repressing things and blocking things, I know I'm forgetting things that happened -- and I kind of like it that way. I have to pick the children up -- thank you for all your insight. I'll check back tonight or tomorrow.
My suspicion is that your H simply wishes he could have gotten from you what the OM got from you. All he can do is recreate it, though. He can't actually get what you gave to OM, because what you gave to OM you gave of your free will. And like it or not, you are only giving any sex to your H right now out of guilt.
Now I have another question...
This will be a tough one but I think it is important to everyone who has had an affair to really answer for themselves...
Do you think you can TRULY have good sex with your husband for the rest of your life, only him, never again cheating...and can you do this BECAUSE YOU ONLY WANT HIM??? Or would it be only out of obligation?
Dont forget the TRULY GOOD part. Of couse you could have "eh" sex with him, but what about GOOD sex?
When you think of your husband, do you fantasize about him?
Do you love his body, his smell, his hands, his features, his skills?
You really must be honest with yourself....or you will never be faithful.
Try to project yourself into the future, you are both a little older, neither of you have significantly changed (emotionally or physically). Do you see this future with happy, hot, sweaty sex in it or not? Please please be honest.
DQ--I read you sitch and felt a lot like I was reading my story with no D (yet).
To answer your questions which I think are great BTW, yes. I never had sex out of guilt with H. I only wanted him. Before, during, and after A. I still only want him. And yes we have great sex. Probably the one thing that has really kept us together through everything. Last time, he got some on my nightie and I kept it for a few days prior to washing so I could smell him. Might be the last time and I didn't want to let go.
So, lifeline, I know you got a little pummled over in newcomers (me included) but you really need to figure out what you are doing. H and I have hurt and punished each other. But we have also had some really great times. I can guarantee one thing. H would never treat me that way. No matter what he was looking for. When I read it I wanted to throw up. I'm really sorry you had to go through that especially with your past abuse.
I liked the idea of keeping that stuff out of the bedroom. Do not live the rest of your life letting him torture you. Punish, consequences, sure, but not like that.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
DQ -- great questions. Yes, I truly believe I will be able to have great sex with my H. For the past couple of months, we have had great sex -- well, I enjoyed it, I don't think my husband is. But yes, when I think about the future, I think about my H, and being only with him.
Lifeline....well OK...but I don't think you are being 100% honest with yourself just yet.
Can you tell us again "why" you didn't want to have good sex with your H before the A? You said it was due to some prior sex abuse. OK I will buy that that was 2% of the reason...but that reason certainly did not stop you from having sex with OM. So again I would ask....if you say you can have good sex with your H in the future, why did you not have it with him in the past?
The point I am getting at is that right now, I believe you are only seeing things through your regret, repentance, and guilt.
However, regret, repentance and guilt will NOT keep you from cheating in the future, and also, they will NOT keep you continueing to have good sex with your H in the future.
Again..."why" did you not have good sex with him in the past?
(please know that I am simply hoping to help you look deeper within...I know from experience that unless you do that, you won't grow past these events)
DQ -- you do ask the thought-provoking questions. I need to think about it. My first reaction is to respond with, "Because I thought I wasn't any good and never thought I was enough for him." And right after typing this I realize why I've felt that way for a while. After my son was born, my husband withdrew and put all his love into our son. At the same time, I was falling into a routine of work, eat, sleep, and not putting any effort into our sex life. Finally, I discovered my H was looking at online porn and chatting with people. Long story short, we went to MC and things got better. But maybe I just pretended after that. I know that I've thought that he must want crazy, kinky, hot sex all the time and I couldn't give it to him. But the question is, why could I give it to OM? And I'll have to think more about this.
Good job, girl. Yes DO think about this, and allow yourself to forgive yourself long enough to REALLY think about it. Do not think about it through the filter of guilt, or you will never get to your true feelings.
