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I agree with CL. I like this train of thought. Definitely run with it. Perhaps H is doing the best he knows how, but with out the knowledge you have gained here. Some people do there homework better, your a good student BM. When you struggle, talk a little more to your veteran friend. Although all sitches are not the same, at least you'll have a good picture and an idea of where to go. Of course a good personal cheering section isn't a bad thing either.

Just got back from a week in the hospital. H had to fly home. I had a seizure ... never had one in my life before. They took brain scan, then MRI, then EEG, and put me on anti-convulsion medication. I haven't had another one, and will be seeing my doctor this week to find out the result of the tests. All he could say was that it wasn't a tumour, so that's a relief. It was very confusing because I remember talking to my H, then waking up in bed, and he said he heard a weird sound, then silence. He tried calling back, but no-one was answering. My D15 was away at camp, and S21 was at work. So, he phoned S21, and told him to go home and see what's happening. He got home with me just getting up from my bed with a sore right arm (all bruised), and my tongue all bloodied, and I was very confused. He called 911, and next I knew I was in the emergency ward, with H on his way home. I am now not allowed to drive until all is sorted out, and not allowed to travel, so couldn't go see my D28 in the USA this week.

Shows you how quickly life can change, and turn things upside down. My H has just left to go back to work, promising to phone me every hour on the hour. Oy! I feel like I have lost my independence, but I will find a way to get it back. I guess I will be taking the bus a lot.

Makes me wonder how many people from this bb disappear because of health issues, and we never hear what happens to them. Which is why I've posted this ... not for sympathy (I've had enough of that this last week), but just so y'all know.

Look after yourselves. Our health is so precious, and we need it to be good in order to deal with all this and be there for your kids (which was my greatest fear when we thought that it could be something like a tumour that could have longlasting impact). I am so grateful for those who were there for me, who thought about me, and prayed for me, and that this doesn't seem to be a life threatening illness.

Wow, I'm glad you are feeling okay after such a scare and hope all goes well with tests, etc. And I'm glad your H and family rallied around you. Thank you for letting us know. As always, you're in my prayers. ((hugs))

Well that must have been quite the experience. H seem to be right there when you needed him. This is a good thing. Can we say this is a positive. I hope you heal up and all works out well. Hopefully they will be able to solve the cause. I hate things that they can't solve a source for, you can't avoid something that you don't know what causes it. Rest and heal.

Journalling ....

Had another doc appt yesterday. The EEG results came back and show normal, so no epilepsy. Doc is sending me to a neurologist, and for another MRI to see if the swelling is down, and if it was hiding something. He also sent me for further blood tests. I feel calm about it all, except I'm so over being poked by needles. Ah well! H has been kinda weird ... takes care of me, but when I expressed pain over not being able to see my D28 (was supposed to have flown to the USA to see her the week after the 'event'), and a little worry that if this is something that could be fatal, I would be deeply sad if I never saw her again. He said I shouldn't be silly, this was nothing, and I will see her again. I guess it's his way of negating what's happening. I just wanted him to hear me, and understand where I was coming from.

I have some other thoughts and stuff to record, but have some stuff to take care of. Just wanted to put this interaction in black and white.

'Til later.

I would take this all as a positive. He is trying to do his best to take care of you and to put your mind at ease. Might not be the way you want it to be, but he is trying to do what he thinks is right. Also in regards to his statement regarding your missed trip. Instead of seeing it as a "downplay" of your concerns, perhaps he sees you very capable of overcoming this challenge. Faith in your abilities. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. Think it over.

I will think it over, Phoenix. I think he's in denial, and not sure how to handle all of this. He's never been terribly good at caregiving when there's an illness ... with me, anyway. He will take care of peripheral things, like cooking, and cleaning, and taking care of the kids, but not the trying to make me feel better, or sitting with me, or whatever ... things I do, but I guess I can't expect him to act the same way I would. We are two very different people. Unfortunately, I need someone who can listen to me and be there emotionally, and he is not doing that. If, and it's a big if (but, it does cross my mind), this is something really serious, then I cannot waste time waiting for him to be there, to step up ... I will need him to be more than he seems capable of right now. This sounds awfully selfish, I know, but I have waited a long time for this from him, and even now, I don't get it. I wanted him to understand how sad I am in possibly not being able to see my daughter, ever again. That thought crossed my mind, when the doc said that it's not epilepsy, but we'll wait and see if the swelling is hiding something. It was really scary, talking to my H on the phone one second, and the next waking up in bed, bruised, tongue bloodied, and not remembering anything. And then, my son coming in, looking so scared, and asking me what was happening, and my not even remembering what day it was. I have been making a joke about it, saying maybe I sneezed too hard, or whatever, but deep down, I am afraid that there is more going on, and I may have to say goodbye to some of my precious children without seeing them again. Well, I'm not scared of actually dying ... I don't think so, but sad at leaving my children, and never truly having the M/R I truly wanted.

I'll be okay tomorrow ... school starts. Just feeling melancholy tonight, and lonely. The seizure was probably just that, and probably the only one I'll have. It sure did make me think, though, about time and life, and all that stuff.

Don't get me wrong, you are totally within your right to be concerned about his response. I was just trying to help you understand what I felt was a possible/probable scenario. Unknown medical situation would drive me nuts too. I have a S12 who, although we have a ballpark idea of what is wrong, we don't have a conclusive diagnosis. It makes it hard to deal with something, without a full diagnosis. In fact, they change the treatment on a bi-month to bi-month basis.

It's hard to deal with doctors and medications when you really don't see any real improvement or conclusions. In some ways I see it as a real "shell game", just another way to bill someone for a paycheck. I'm sure that's how you feel right now.

Your poor son, Phoenix! I hope a diagnosis is made soon, and he can get on with his life. I think it's worse when it's our children who are ill ... rather me, than one of my kids.

At this point, I have an appt for an MRI at the end of the month, so my doc can see if the swelling has gone down. I also have an appt with a neurologist in Victoria (our local one is on a year-long sabbatical) in a couple of weeks. Hopefully, this is an isolated incident.

I started school last week, and that is keeping my mind off negative things (unless you classify homework as negative). My courses all involve a lot of reading and writing ... Liberal Studies, English, and Creative Writing. Thankfully, next semester I am doing a science subject, Geology, so that will give my brain a rest from some of the creative stuff. Although, I will also be doing Poetry, and Lib. Studies. I am enjoying it, though, and am enjoying all the classes, so far.

I am not allowed to drive until I am seizure free for 6 months, so my S21 has been driving me and D15 to school, and picking me up after. D15 usually walks home. But, on Friday, I caught the bus home. I haven't been on a bus in years, and it was such a strange experience. I know, for many people, that is their normal form of transport, but I am so used to just jumping into the car, and going where I want. I rather liked sitting at the busstop, reading some of my next assignment, and then watching the scenery as we drove along. It's only a 20 minute drive, so really very easy. The walk home from the busstop was about 5 minutes. A little adventure, for me. I guess, after 6 months, I will be thoroughly sick of the bus, but for now, I am happy to use it.

H is home for now. There is a bit of a drama at work ... the company he works for has been sold to a big organization, and he is not happy about that. Anyway, they are trying to convince him to stay, and he will ... for now. He doesn't like working for big organizations, and the company assets are the people who work for them, so they really want to keep as many of their staff on board as possible.

We bought a little puppy, and that is keeping us busy. It's a mix shi-tzu/lasa apso (spelling must be really off here). He is really cute ... black and white and D15 has named him, Oreo. S21's husky is not impressed, and looks very worried.

Things seem to be good with us. We actually ML the other night! I was rather stunned! I didn't know how to react.

Anyway, that's muh journalling for now. I have the homework to do.

Wow! Your second-to-last paragraph was a surprise...I hope your unexpected intimacy continues. It sounds like life is moving along with plenty of changes to keep you hopping, but it sounds like nice change overall. (Good luck with H's job sitch...we may be dealing with that soon too.) I hope all goes well with your doctor appts. As always, you're in my prayers. ((hugs))