Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Working on believing in miracles

I understand ITH, I really do.

Just as your H is wanting to put this 6 month timeline on everything maybe you should give yourself a timeline to hang in there and see how it goes. Everything is easier to bear when you have an end date in mind. Maybe you go back to Dublin and give it two months to see how things go, or you could wait until the 6 months, or the lease being up. I just think it might make you feel a little better if you knew that no matter what you can do 3 more months, 5 more months, etc.

As many have said to me, only you will know when it is time to give up and walk away. You have certainly learned a lot over the past few months and you can always use this information in a new relationship if that is where you end up one day. So take comfort in knowing that even though it hurts like hell it is making you a better person and a better wife, whether to your h or someone else down the line.

Hi Daisy,

I guess for me it's going to have to be the lease being up unless things change dramatically one way or the other in the interim. I am not going to shirk my responsibilities.

I just can't believe I'm 33 years old and might have to go through this again...I used to always watch Sex and the City and think about how grateful I was that I wasn't still dating.

Ugh I can't stop sobbing tonight.

Thing is I have a lot going for me, not to be vain. I have a good job, a good education, and I am fit and in shape. However I just don't know whether I have the emotional strength to deal with this all again. I know you'll understand, but I really didn't think pain like this was possible. You know, I used to be deathly afraid of flying. Now, I am so caught up in what real pain is like that I don't even notice when I am flying. I used to say I would never have children because of the labor pains. Now I would gladly do that if given the chance.

I don't think I'm being rational anymore, but I have been crying for 4 hours now. I really don't know what to do right now.

I have a friend going on honeymoon for 1 month around the time that I get back. I am thinking of staying in her place for that month to save us some money, even though it means I am supporting my H. I am just so tired of being poor, and maybe that additional month will allow us to get closer and prevent the separation. It probably won't due to his pride, but I think I'm willing to try. Yes I did something bad and just emailed H about this. It wasn't a bad email though, just said that to help with finances I might be willing to do this if the house was nice enough etc...

You know the ironic thing? H said he was in love with me for a year before we started dating. I had another BF and he never gave up. I broke up with the BF, started dating someone else, and he got angry, but never gave up. Now, after just a few months, he is willing to give up on a marriage to me.

I feel like calling my dad and crying, but if my dad ever found out, he'd never forgive my H and as I'm not giving up on the M yet, I can't do this...

ITH

Wow ITH!! Very intense IM session. You did do good at most point where you validated but you tried to make him realize that you had changed a little too much. Those things he is going to have to see on his own once you get back to Dublin.

The only thing that really kills me is how he kept calling you selfish yet it is ok for your loans to be late and you have to help him pay for his rented room...Call me crazy but does anyone else see that as wrong also??

If you don't mind me asking but from the convo there was alot of talk about his anger towards you and him trusting you...did you cheat on him? You can tell me to mind my business, that would be fine..just wondering.

Hi Sep,

Thing is that I didn't cheat on him! I could TOTALLY understand if I had or if he thought I had, but it's all about feeling controlled! Even on the joint session Jody said that this was the most common complaint that men had about women, and that the flipside was true where women felt they'd be abandoned. He was rude about this even then...

I did try to get him to see I'd changed too much. Thing is he SAID I'd changed on our joint session! Yeah the rented room and my loans. This is why he is not living in reality I am SURE he would say that we paid his tuition late so why not pay my loans late...he is ABSOLUTELY clueless.

In fact he has NO idea what happens in our bank accounts. A part of me thinks that there is no real issue with the marriage as such, but with his state of mind. He is seeing a PT, but this kind of talk is just not normal. I am not sure there is anything I can do about this.

So I still don't know what to do next. I wanted to ask H today whether he was on medication, but didn't do this :). Probably for the best. I don't think he'll call tonight, which is fine.

I hope he doesn't reach out tomorrow. If he does, I am going to be so icy, he will feel frostbite. I mean I don't want to act hurt, but he was rude right? I think at some point he needs to take responsibility for his own actions. I REALLY wish I could email his mom and his therapist a copy of that IM...

ITH

And now the dreaded one is on IM. Let's just see if he reaches out. I SOOOOOOOOO hope not!

ITH

Goodness all that anger over controling issues!!

The only thing that I worry about is you and you believing that you are completly at fault here. I really think that at some point H needs to realize that if he wants to be "alone" he can't count on you for full financial support then. You can't go into financial ruins and jeopordize yourself for his insanity.

OK he just called me...

I know I wasn't meant to take the call, so I didn't take the first one...

However he SEES I'm on IM, so I took the 2nd call...


Yuck. I managed to remain as positive as possible, and said that I was really sorry he'd felt pressured earlier. He said that he had all of these examples of me not changing and not listening to what he wanted, from today's call alone. WHATEVER.

Then he said that he is sick of hearing we don't have money for what he needs for his happiness, i.e. him being alone, but we do for my "shopping trip/business trip". I told him that I was sorry if it came across this way, but that I had lost 15 pounds and literally had nothing to wear that fit me anymore, and that I thought it would be better to go on a trip when we had some money AND when was convenient for my own company.

I said that I was sorry he felt that way, and that he felt so badly. Then he said that he just didn't know about the whole us thing, and I said that I was fine with just seeing where things went, and that regardless I would need a year to move on, with or without us being together. He said that he thinks I am putting too much stock in us, and I said that I wasn't planning on waiting around forever, but if he were in my shoes, wouldn't he want to give it everything that he had before throwing in the towel. He went on and on about how if he were in the house it couldn't just be unannounced drop-in visits, and I said I understood (I didn't do this before I left either!). Wow he is pretty bleak and mean right now. He said he wasn't sure how angry he was, can't figure it out (um, I can figure that out!), but that he does admire me as a person (whatever). I tried to keep everything light, asking about the pets, about the house etc., but he was in this lame talk about us mode.

I honestly don't get it. He kept saying how he's told me for years how I was controlling. I told him for years he has a bad temper!

So, we'll see when I get back. I don't think this is something I'm going to be able to handle for very long to be honest. He is being a real a$$, and for someone who supposedly wanted to try to work things out, I am seeing nothing.

I cannot believe he calls my business trip a shopping trip, like the only reason I am traveling is to go to Banana Republic.

I also tried to talk about Poland a bit, to be light and tell him what it was like, what my neighborhood was like etc., but of course he didn't care and wanted to end the call. Nice.
I am feeling pretty bleak and on the brink of quitting, but I will give it the next 3 months I guess...

ITH

ITH,

I'm sorry to hear this crap. If it helps any, I kinda wanna beat your husband like a red-headed stepchild.

My personal feeling is, he has no clue what independence is like. He has no clue what living costs. He's going to school, apparently on your dime. He's living in a house on your dime. He's forced you away, on your dime.

Or, I guess it's actually on your pound sterling.

Anyhoo . . .

It's time to take care of you and only you. He needs to take of himself. If he wants to afford life on his own, he may just have to drop out of school. That IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. It's his.

In my line of work, a lot of us describe others' misfortune with the words, "it's all about choices".

This is about his choices. Might be time for his whiny cake-eating a$$ to try some reality.

And, you really need to stop being at his beck and call on IM. Assume he has nothing good to say. The kind of things he does have to say need to be said in person. If he's not man enough to do that, you can still demand that level of respect for yourself. Worry about you, not him. Not at all. It's his problem.

You need a place to live? YOU have a house. He wants to live it up, he better find a way to pay the bills he'll incur.

((((ITH))))

Just stopping by to see how you are and give you a hug!

Thanks BH,

So it isn't just me, he really is being ridiculous?

We are sharing costs and make about the same salaries, only difference is that I have bonuses and stocks as well.

I agree that he should be man enough to say things in person. IM and even phone don't cut it. Thing is I stupidly agreed to stay at a friend's house for 30 days after getting back because she needs someone to petsit. I guess I am hoping that I can buy some time and he will change his mind, but this is doubtful.

I just feel like he has already decided it's over, and this kills me inside so much. I don't know whether I should even bother with this anymore. Problem is all of the debt we have now is in my name, and that's a LOT including my student loans. We paid off his credit cards and not mine. That was my choice, no evil design on his part, but I am the one who would be in serious trouble if we were to split finances.

I am going to make it so that we stay in the same house at least a few nights together to see whether he gets less panicky.

I'm scared too that if he moves out, he will never come back.

OK I will stop being at his beck and call on IM. I am going to be incredibly short with him from now on if he does even bother to reach out.

ITH