Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? my story

well in brief, he came back after a short separation 2 years ago, but he never really came home, we didn't do any work together, he says he tried, but ???? did he really??? anyway 2 weeks ago he told me he was no longer interested in reconnecting but would stay until I finished school in '10, well this hasn't been working too stressful, I came to the conclusion today that if he didn't want to work on us, then I couldn't handle the arrangement. Tonight in counseling he said he doesn't want to reconnect so I said then he needs to move out, he said he came prepared to ask for a separation.

I am very sad, can't say in shock, but very sad, our daughter figured it out tonight, but we still need to tell our son, she was sad

he left tonight to stay with his sister, but will be back in the morning to help get the kids ready for school. I suppose he will start moving stuff, as that is the plan. I don't really know. He is being selfish, he doesn't want me to be angry, he doesn't want to face my family, I asked them to come over for me when I got home, and apparently my Mom gave him a dirty look, so he asked me to make them leave, I did against my better judgement, and then he left the house so there goes my support.

I am worried about how this will effect my kids, short term and long term, I am scared, I am sad, I am hurt, I am lost

Oh, Honey-

I know how you feel. You are singing my song only I am a little farther into the process than you are...my H left the first of June this year. He says the same thing...isn't interested in trying it again...blah blah blah. His selfishness amazes me...no regard for me or our D and our feelings.

Listen the best advice I can give you is to be patient. Come here and vent. Read what others are going through...it helps to know you aren't the only person going through the pain. The truth is there is no telling what will end up happening for sure, but what is for sure is that you will survive no matter what the outcome.

Have you both worked out how you will handle visitation with the kids? In my sitch that has recently become a sticky subject. My 13 year old D isn't too keen on wanting to spend as much time with H as he would like and he thinks I should force her. Separation seems to be harder on older kids.

Hang in there...I'll keep an eye out for you and be happy to lend an ear.

So I have been pretty sad the last 2 days, cried a lot, screamed a little only when alone in the car, did a little non DB stuff, but really not too bad. Today I got brave and told H he can't come here every morning and then hang out, like he has the last 2 days, that it is too hard on me. He said he understood. H said he is still going to help out, as long as I want him to, with stuff around the house, but he won't just show up every morning and leave when the kids go to bed and when he has something else to do. I was hard to say that, but I think we needed to do it. He wants the separation so then we need to separate. I have been reaching out in all directions to get support. I am breathing easier. I am trying hard not to try and think too far out in the future, one day at a time.

I talked with H tonight and said we really need to work hard to stay friends for the kids sake, I was talking with my neighbor, she is divorced, and her and her x aren't friendly and she said it is so hard and she wishes she could change that more than anything.

I am still sad, when H left tonight, he looked back at me and said don't look at me like that, I said like one I'm just looking, and he said it makes me feel bad, I swear I was just looking, no tears or anything. I think it is okay for him to feel bad, this is a big deal.

I am going to try real hard and not contact him tomorrow, the kids can call if they need to or want to, but I am not going to.

I woke up this morning feeling very sad, I am fighting with myself not to call him. I got down to my computer and there is an email from him asking to take our son some place today. I am not sure why he didn't call, but I am also now remembering that he has a big run today, that he was planning for the morning so he is probably on that, and that explains the no reply. In fact he said he would be out of contact until 12.

I don't know why I am so sad in the mornings, we didn't have any special routines or anything, he was often up and gone before so it isn't unusual to wake up alone. I guess it is just he prospect of another day, alone, and dealing with the whole thing. I hate this, I hate it so much, it is not what I wanted not what I want for my life, I love him, how do I stop that, I love him so much, I don't want to carry a torch around forever, how could he just stop, he loved me, I know he did/does? but why isn't that enough, the day to day was good, we didn't bicker and fight about stuff, we parented great, we have had a lot of fun times, so many laughs, and now it is just gone like that wasn't important, like it never happened. I think that is the crux of the matter, I feel like the marriage failing makes all the good stuff worthless because they led to nothing, okay not nothing we have two great and wonderful kids who make me so happy, but it is the coupleship that I am talking about here, our memories, and the fact that we won't be sharing them with each other in the future.

I want him to come home, but I am trying so hard not to hang my hat on that plan because it hurt me so much when he did come home and then it didn't get better, for what ever reason, I could make a list of the whys and make plans for that to change, but .... these aren't productive to me being alive for me and moving forward in my life. I need to be happy, I have been sad and on edge for 2 years and I am tired of it, I have made excuses for sticking with it and waiting the whole time, all along knowing I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship, but hopeful that he would come around, despite us not working together, I thought it would only take time for him to heal, beat the depression, work on himself with his counselor and that it would get better, and for over a year we skated along pretty well, slowly working together, but not quite making it. Then this summer it began to fall apart again, but we wanted to finally work together and I thought that would be the difference, I trusted our love was there, but I don't think we really did a lot of work, mostly talking about issues of moving forward and a few about the past, but not working on coming together, it was a more air your dirty laundry time. I am tired of being alone, feeling alone and unloved, with someone next to me in bed, what a huge gulf that is.

yes I love him and would still love to put it back together, provided the real work is done, but I don't want to spend years and years on this to no end. I want to feel happy, all the way through, not just some of the parts.

((((Snap)))) You need a hug!

So may I ask what your issues were?? What led to the distance between you both?

My friend all the things you are feeling now are normal. My sitch was similar...H and I had been leading separate lives while living in the same house so why I missed it so much when I didn't hear his car pulling in the driveway is beyond me. Have you read the DB book? If you haven't go get it and read it...look at the Last Resort Method.

There is no way to tell what your future holds, but let me tell you this. It's been almost 4 months since my H left and I started coming to this site. When I would read the words I just wrote to you it was like a punch in the gut because I wanted assurance and wanted to know it would all work out...hearing the future was an unknown made me crazy. Now, a relatively short time later, knowing that the end result of my R is still pretty unknown doesn't strike fear in my heart like it did before. My advice to you is this....no matter how depressed and sad you are...DO NOT put off getting a life. I don't mean signing up for eharmony or going bar hopping, but I mean enjoying things with your kids. Go for an ice cream...take a walk...see a movie...have lunch with girlfriends. At first you will feel like your heart isn't in it and you won't enjoy it much, but the more you do it...the more joy you experience. These happy times will help you when you do have to deal with H in that you won't come across as so desparate and dependant upon him for your happiness.

Hang in there...we're all here for you! We can truly say we know how you feel.

Our situation was he bombed me 2 years ago, said he didn't love me anymore, wanted a D, wasn't interested in separation, just D, adamant, not budging, he started making plans to move out, that was in August, he finally did move in November, for like 2 days, had an extreme reaction and called and wanted to come home and make it work. I said okay because I believed him. So we did nothing, a little talking but not really any work, slowly be April I was getting a quick kiss and then a few ILY's, but nothing beyond that. We built a new house, it all went fine, no arguing over that or anything. Then this summer I found out about an affair he had in O6 when all this first started. He was sorry and remorseful and all that, we actually began having deep conversations about our relationship, and he started becoming depressed, his Dad died this April, just to complicate things. He said he wasn't feeling "it" and wanted to return to counseling to try and reconnect, we went 2 times one was very surfacy, we went on vacation and had lots of "talks" again mostly about his troubles connecting and letting go of the A, he also had contact with her and she reamed him a new one, he was sad that she did that and they couldn't be friends. We had another session this one was tough and he was angry with much of what was said, along this time he wasn't sleeping well at all, well I woke him up that night to ask him something, and he flipped out, now he says that was the last straw, the following Monday he told me he no longer wanted to reconnect with me, but would stay until I finished school and that has been 2 weeks of hell and I can't do that anymore, so in our session Thursday I said if he isn't interested in the R then he needs to move out. So he said fine. He said he came to the same conclusion. We have told the kids, we are working on making plans to have him actually move stuff out and how the visitation of the kids is going to go.

Yesterday I asked him not to be here today, so this morning I wake up to an email that says he wants to take our son to something, I replied I guess, when he came to pick him up he was angry at my attitude, there was no attitude, I basically said whatever, he has his defensive mind in play so anything is taken wrong. Tonight when he returned s, he was worried I won't give him enough time to see the kids, I asked him to remember that I don't want this and as it is being forced on my maybe I deserve a little concession now and then, and could he please have some empathy for my situation, he said that this wasn't easy for him either and I needed to understand his point of view and have empathy for him, I was honest and said I couldn't really do that right now, and I would discuss it with my counselor to try and understand more his side.

We talked a bit about visitation and how that might go, he thought I was going for no contact when they were with me, but I think he can see them some extra days, they will just still sleep here. So far I have offered every other weekend plus every tuesday or every wed and then on the off week he can have dinner or something like that. I also mentioned that he would be my first choice of a sitter and hopefully vice versa, and he said yes. He said he would think about it, he didn't understand that there was not a no contact implication there. I just don't think I can do half and half, he keeps proposing alternate weeks, and I just think that sucks and won't do that.

Jane

I am doing a little better today, my evening was fine, my son slept with me, wet the bed, hope that doesn't mean he is going to have some regression issues, but will deal with it as it comes, he asked me if I could remarry daddy, I said yes it could happen but I don't think it will, so not to hope for it too much, I don't want him to be sad.

I put the kids in touch with counselors today at school so I hope they will get some extra support there. I am not interested in battling my H over stuff right now, I just want to stop bleeding. I feel like I am stemming the flow and don't want to get off into a big debate/arguement.

I still wish he would just man up and come home

J

H came over tonight, we chatted briefly about a couple things, kid related, I am hearing all these horror stories about constant fights over kids, I don't want that to happen.

H seemed quite comfortable for the most part, I wish he seemed a little sadder over the whole thing. H did get upset when I told him our s was upset last night.

I don't think I am doing any DB, unless you count not fighting, being pleasant as possible, and discussing how important I think it is to try and get along for the kids sake.

Feeling like all is lost right now.

Hang in there Snap...it gets easier and you'll get stronger.

It took about 3 months for H and I to start fighting over visitation for our D...things have gotten really crazy lately and I'm throwing in the towel on the R. Just can't do it anymore.

Well went back to school today, me, it was good to have a change of venue. I was late for class, I have some odd scheduling coming up so had to email H and ask if he can help get the kids on the bus, he said of course.

I hate this, I feel like I have to tiptoe around and keep reminding him that I want to keep our friendship going for the kids. Why doesn't he say anything like that, why does it all come from me. I feel like he can't stand to be around me, and is avoiding me, he says it is hard, but he doesn't say why, I shouldn't be second guessing his motives and attitude, I know but it is hard not to. I just want him to say something that sounds like he cares.

Sad, I am supposed to be "getting over him" and I am still looking for the cookie crumb. I have been eating like crap, I need to pick a date and stick to it for a return to healthy eating, I know that would help my overall.

I am thinking of emailing him and asking him to write out what he would like our co-parenting to look like, ideally, and then I would do the same, I think this would give us goals to keep in mind and also we could potentially share them so each other would know what the other is thinking. Not that we have to agree 100% but it gives us a goal.

I don't know if I should do that stuff or not. I really don't know what to do. I guess if I am working on something positive I feel better, even though I am not getting what I want. I don't know if that kind of stuff makes it more likely to pull us apart or back together, I don't even know if that should be a goal.

I just want to feel better, I just want my life back. I don't want to feel like we are competing for best parent or any of that stuff.

Oh he did make up my bed for me last night after I asked him to check the matress pad in the dryer, so....