Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Aussie Girl - Patience might finally be paying off

Thank you so much Transformer, JCJ and One Day. I love you guys.

I read your post Transformer yesterday, had a big old cry, but then picked myself up and went out last night with friends.
Thank you for reassuring me. I still dont know why I had such a big crash yesterday... today I feel like 'stuff him, he's the one missing out on having fun with me'. I guess it was kind of scary to realise that I still am trying to have control of the situation, and I'm not! And that he can disappoint me so much, even when I thought I had resolved those questions.

The old Essie would have replied to H's text and insisted he see me on Saturday cause that is more convenient for me! So I guess its good that even though I fell in a dark hole, H didnt see it!

Part of me believes everything that you girls are saying about how H really does want to see me, and that this is just the process. The other part thinks this is never going to work, I'm always going to want more than he will give me..... I know I'm jumping too far ahead. AAAHHHHHHHH!

So its still unresolved about the tickets. Its mid-morning now and I need to go and see Dad for Father's Day. No word from H. The tickets are for Saturday (in 6 days time), so I feel like I need to give them to him pretty soon so that he doesn't make other plans and he can find someone to go with him....

Anyway in good news I feel much better and stronger today so if I do see him, then I will be able to be happy and fun and care free!

I'm going to re-read your posts over and over until it sinks into my head! xxxxxxxxxxxx

((((Essie))))) YAY- hopefully we're overlapping again!

I think it's perfectly understandable that you might have had a crash after things have been going so well. Starting to date after a period apart is REALLY hard, and you've been doing brilliantly at it. But there are still issues unresolved, so of course it's going to take it's toll on you. The great thing is you picked yourself up so quickly!

Re. the tickets- I agree he needs to get them soon. Can you ask him if you can pop something over to him on the way back from your Dad's (and just stop in briefly)? Or alternatively put them in the post- I guess you don't have a post collection on a Sunday there though, so see if he contacts you later in the day?

(((((Future Girl))))

L. xx

OMG Essie I am sending you a huge hug right now!! I am sad that you needed to cry but glad that you did... and went out and had fun!!! I am so proud of you!!!

I feel like perhaps we had parallel responses this weekend--we both got some communication and communication was good, but we felt disappointed. Please have faith that good things are happening but they are moving slowly.

FYI I printed off your post so I could re-read it away from the computer.

I love you Essie!!!

For some reason the idea of putting them in the mail makes me really nervous. It would suck balls if they got lost or didn't get there in time. Maybe your aussie mail is better than in the US but I wouldn't put something that valuable and time-sensitive in the mail without doing it like registered guaranteed overnight express or something.

Could you text him that you're going to slip his present under his door, and then put the tix in an envelope and put them under his door? Or in his mailbox?

I also like OD's idea of stopping by quickly to drop off the tickets.

I think you should try to get them to him by mon night at the latest (or tuesday since you're in the future and I guesss it's already sunday as I write this) so he knows he has an awesome gift!!!

LOVELOVELOVELOVE LOVE TO YOU!!

T

Essie,
I believe you know what to do, all you need now is to get your head and your heart on the same page! I think you are doing very well! Really, is there anyone in the sort of sitch that brings us all to this board who doesn't have at least the occasional mini-crash? They sure don't feel good, but I would be amazed if anyone escaped them completely.

Are you familiar Down Under with a silly little dance called the Hokey-Pokey? If so, imagine the following sung to that tune:

You take two steps forward,
Take another step back;
You take a half-step sideways
And you shake your head a lot;

You do the MLC dance
And you spin and spin in place;
That's what...it's all...about!!

<bows> Thank you! Thankyouverymuch!

So congratulations, you've just proven that you're a human being, not a robot who can completely let a MLCer's actions slide right off! We are all trying to detach, but I doubt that anyone does it perfectly all the time. Don't beat yourself up about it; you recovered very quickly, and best of all, your H never knew about it!

In my field of expertise (lettering arts), one of the big names in the business coined a phrase (okay, it might be borrowed from elsewhere): "You can't call yourself a professional until you know how to correct your mistakes." Mistakes and backslides are just about inevitable; the thing you really need is the ability to recover quickly from them. You clearly have that down, so no more negative thoughts about slipping up! Besides which, Lisa is right...this sort of emotional backlash to the changing sitch is probably more normal than otherwise.

I admire how well you are doing!

Peace,
Dawn

T - I just wanted to say thank you for posting such a long post. I really appreciate the time you took to give me your wisdom. the best part was when you said that he probably has NFC that he is hurting me. I agree! I just have to work out how not to get hurt so easily. I am so much more fragile than I used to be. I think this is a new anxiety, and based on the idea that when a guy is really into a girl, he will step up and really try hard to win her. The other thing is that I compare other guys who have been interested in the last few months and how they pursued me, and how H compares...

which leads me on to your comment OD, about how this must be harder for him than me, and how he has to deal with his guilt and all that junk as well. And obviously he is scared of getting hurt or whatever it was that went 'wrong' again. And I do need to compliment him and validate him. This is where I fall down.

So I'm fully recovered after my crash.

Today went like this:
H called me about 10am (about 15 minutes after I posted) but I was having a shower and didn't hear it. He didn't leave a message. But I could see his car at next door neighbours so I knew they were out wake boarding.

i had other stuff to do for about an hour, he hadn't recalled. So I drove over to next door neighbour, and popped a card and the tickets on the front seat. The card said 'Happy Birthday', and 'I'm glad to have you in my life'.

About 2 hours later I got a text message saying "thanks soooo much, but you have to come with me".

I've been out with my family celebrating Fathers Day.

Haven t replied to the text message.... I will wait until tomorrow night. If he hasn't tried to contact me I will text him.

Feeling much stronger and in control again. Will keep you up to date!

Hey Essie,

I think it's really nice that he asked you, presumably pretty much as soon as he got back to the car and got the gift? If he's feeling unsure about things, I wonder if a long-ish delay in you replying might make him feel more unsure of himself and be counter-productive? JMO! You're the DBing queen and everything you've done so far has been perfect!

Im so glad you're feeling stronger, and so glad you had a good celebration for Father's Day

Sleep well Future Girl!!

L. xx

essie, that is so great. I agree with OD don't wait so long in replying, you need to reward good behaviour.

Well waiting paid off, cause late last night H rang me. He is VERY excited about the tickets, and really really wanted me to go with him (yay!). I said that he should take one of his 'mates' with him and that they would have a better time. H still said he'd rather fo with me. I said I couldnt becasue of the fundraising dinner, but we could get together on his actual birthday. So we've made a date for breakfast on Sunday (his birthday). H suggested a really ordinary place for breakfast - close by, but not very special. I started to say I didnt want to go there, and that I could cook breakfast instead. BUT then I realised what I was doing, and stopped and said that it would be good to go there and see what its like.

We also talked about our weekends. And H said he didnt do anything Saturday night - he was at home and had a quiet one. WHAT??? I dont get that? Is it not crossing his mind that he could do something with me?

But then on the other hand, it seems to work that when I give him space and am a bit unavailable he will call more....

I also called him 'babe' in the phone conversation. Its a first for me. He has called me 'babe' 3 distinct times. The first time he did it was about 3 weeks after he left and it was very weird to hear him call me that. Anyway he said 'talk to you soon babe' at the end of the conversation so that was nice.

My goal is to move towards having dates outside of Sunday wakeboarding convenience.

Yay! Thats great that he asked you and phoned too! I didnt realise that you couldnt make it (can you really not??) but at least you get to see him on his birthday! Are you going to give him a birthday horizontal jig!? Knowing you, I am guessing you will keep him waiting still.

Funny that you caught yourself slipping into old patterns then stopped yourself. I guess he needs to feel like the man and to be able to make decisions which you respect and of course, it is his birthday, so should be his choice of venue. I'm so happy for you, I was getting a little worried when you were tearful and he hadnt contacted you. You are bound to get wobbly though, you and this new R with him are like a new born foal, not quite standing on all 4 legs yet!

Ali xxx

Thanks Ali - its a long way to go, and I'm sure there will be many more tears. The feeling of rejection is so strong and hurts so much... another growth phase for me probably to get over that.

The birthday horizontal jig... its a good question whether I will or I wont. On one hand we are meeting for breakfast, so the time and place might not really work. And going on my feelings over the weekend I might not be strong enough to add sex into the mix and still be able to remain detached from him. But you can never say never!!