Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Please help me to not give up............

God, forgot to say that I hope your sitch is improving TD. Is your wife still involved with OP, and if so, how do you cope. You seem incredibly selfless and centred, for someone going though this hideous turmoil! I applaud your positive and solution-seeking attitude. Take care bud!.

Of course you are, there is alot at stake here. The good news is, once you start to see baby steps.....this will start to take away some of the fear and build confidence that you can make this work





What your W is telling me is that she is giving you blueprint on how you can possibly repair this rift. She will tell you not to have any hope, etc she doesn't want to lead you on, mainly because she is probably confused and is erring on the side of safety (which for her is leaving). At the same time she is testing you. Move back home...she is asking you to.

Send a Message!
- Family is the most important thing in my life!!!
- This is my home!
- This is my family! (kids now....W will come later)

Tell your W "I really want to move back home and take care of the boys". Before you do this find out what your options are at work; Maybe working 2 long days with one over night and two short days while commuting, maybe working from home a day or two. You seem like you have a pretty independent job so you might have a lot of flexibility.

Disucss these options with your W, see what she suggests. When discussing these options have a very good PMA! You want to make this work (taking care of the kids), not find reasons of why it can't. Try to let her lead this discussion as much as possible. She likely has ideas since she knows about your job and she knows what she has requested. Perhaps she could watch the kids or two days a week while you are in London in the family home or at her sisters.

You should feel happy that your W wants you to come take care of the kids....if you don't do you think she knows someone who will? (not meaning to throw a jab....but they are your kids!)

I appreciate you asking about my sitch. What I listed in your thread was from the past. Things are going exceptionally well.

Just curious, how old are your boys?

TD, Firstly I'm absolutely thrilled for you, that things are going well. You most certainly deserve it. I should also say that I'm grateful that you continue to maintain a presence here, even though your situation has improved so much.

BTW, boys are getting older now:- 16 and 13. I feel like I've missed out on so much in their earlier years because of my work commitments. Patently, my wife feels the same way.

Perhaps she is offering me an opportunity to prove myself, although it does seem that perhaps her question to me about coming home to look after the boys, might have been delivered out of guilt and pressure from my youngest. Particularly if it was "loaded" with the "and I'll move out " thing. Might I just be pushing her towards the opportunity to be with OP. God, sorry. Vacillating again. Your advice is absolutely sound, and I am beginning to think that it is really my last and only hope toward a better relationship, both with my kids and with her.

Both she and I really dislike confrontation or conflict. I think it's been a major issue for us, not being able to really deal with long held feelings, in a positive way.
Though I can remember a time when it felt like we knew each others hearts and minds so well. As they say, it's obviously taken a great deal of time to get into this mess, and it's going to take a long time to get even close to fixing it. She always says that there is just SO much stuff that she has resented, over a long period of time, and with progression of R with OP, she felt strong enough to be able to say "I'm done". But I'm starting to resent the fact that I had to move out, when it was she that wanted out of the M. I guess perhaps that my situation involved me being way from home so much anyway, and her being the primary care-giver, it seemed the only way forward at the time. Besides, I think it did give me the opportunity for confronting some of the issues that I have had, and to reflect on my life and it's direction. The other bonus is, that it has most definitely helped me to re focus on my R with kids.

I am terrified about the prospect of a convo with her about this, although I must try to cultivate a positive outlook on the nature and direction of the conversation.

Many other logistical difficulties about working from home, as it would require a bit of a financial investment in production equipment in order for me to do it. It might be possible though...... Trying hard not to put things in the way of options.
But I completely get the "send a message" thing. That's mighty powerful stuff TD, and remarkably insightful. Thanks so much.

Then look at this sep as a blessing and a wake up call. Even if things don't work out with your W, having an opportunity to connect with your kids and them requesting that you do so....is certainly a blessing

Try to work yourself toward forgiveness to yourself and your W.....resentment will not help anything



Don't be afriad of her, respect her and love her, but don't fear her....she is just as scared of this sitch as you are

Hi Grant: My H and I don't do well with confrontation either, and I think that is one of the major problems. I don't think confrontation needs to be screaming and yelling, but when we don't address the problems we end up where we all are now.

That being said, now is a whole other ball game. I have found that just going with the flow is the best way. Don't try to push, don't try to control. It is very hard once we get into these situations to remember that it is not just us hurting...the other person hurts as well.

Sometimes, though, we all need to make our mistakes and learn from them. That is one possibility w/ your W now. It is almost like dealing with a toddler or a teenager, the more you tell them not to do something, the more they will. The hard part is stepping back and allowing them to make their mistakes while praying that they learn from them.

Just remember to breath...

Oh God NO!! I've been ambushed by my emotions again. Just had a hideous convo on IM with wife. Mentioned that I was considering the option of moving back home to look after the kids. She hit the roof! Said she had only said it on the back of her conversation with my son, and that she'd never consider moving out. But I realised that she was talking to OP at same time, probably relaying deatials of the conversation. Perhaps I'm being paranoid, but she was doing a lot of typing and not a lot of words were appearing on my screen. The usual blame game ocurred, with her reminding me that it was all my fault and that I had put our family in this position
I brought up the fact that I didn't want to listen to her talk about OP anymore, and felt disrespected, and that I knew there was a third person involved here. She went off the scale, said because of the things I had done to disrespect her, I so deserved it. She ended by saying what I knew to be true, that this was getting us nowhere, and she was going to bed.

Textbook on how NOT to DB. I got that so wrong again. But it does seem that even considering moving back home to look after the kids is completely out of the question now. It was never on the agenda. Now it looks like I've moved myself one step closer to my greatest fear. I'm now very scared that I've reached the end of the line.

GRant,

Sorry the conversation didn't go well. I feel partly responsible, though it does sound like she is sending mixed signals. This is not uncommon in these sitches. The important thing is when the discussion starts heading down hill, to difuse it quickly. What Lola said is a good approach now....go with the flow. I would make GAL with your kids.

I do think you have said your peace with the OM....now I would let it be, you know the reaction it will get you and there is little you can do to prove otherwise that wouldn't destroy your M anyways. Also she won't accept any blame (at least to you) at this point.

Don't be afraid and don't tell yourslef it is all your fault. Accept your part. I do feel she is trying to lay everything at your feet. Remember to believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see.

You are by no means at the end of the line.....she still hasn't filed and even then there is hope if you want it. 19 years and 2 kids is lot for both of you

Grant: Just take a breath for a moment okay???


I have been where you are. We all have. In the beginning it is the hardest. The pain is raw, and new, and fresh. The WAS doesn't seem to want to budge. They seem content with their "new life". And for now, they are.

They all try to blame us for everything. Its a way of coping for them, so they don't feel so guilty.

I have to tell you, that when I first came here, even then I thought my H was different, that all these signs and "symptoms" were not what he was doing, that he was really done. But the more I have gotten to know people, the more I have read, the more I realized that he is just typical of someone who is lost right now. Just like your W.

She is exhibiting CLASSIC symptoms, Hun, and it all depends on how you play it now. DR does work. I have read other books. I have seen a C. I have started to become the best person I can be, so that in the chance that H and I do reconcile, I can be the best W to him. But it has also taken time. It's been almost a year. I have had Jeff, Michelle, Mishka, Amy, Jen, Julia drag me off the floor when I have been down so low I don't feel like I can get up. I am sure that is where you are at now.

Oh Grant, it does get easier. We all know your pain. And we have all fallen off the DB wagon, and all you need to do is climb back on again. Start with some goals for yourself, and give your brain a rest.

(((Grant)))

TD, Please do not in any way feel responsible for the way my convo went. That was entirely my doing. I fell into the same old traps, and even though I knew I should try to diffuse it, it was the first time I had spoken to her on line, and she was confrontational and angry. She did what she has done before in that she emailed me to kind of apologise, but to affirm that she's truly done.
She said:-
"For me this is about our marriage breaking down in such a bad way that i don't think it can be mended, Grant please believe how i wish i could feel so differently and that this never happened. **** is not the problem here, we had our problems before and i do take some responsibility for that. You think that me talking to him has clouded my judgement, it hasn't, if i thought i could save our marriage then i would try my hardest darling, you know me well enough to know that i am a good person and that what you have done to me has affected me so badly."

Seems like she is acknowledging some responsibilty for our problems. But I must find a way to stop allowing the OM issue to divert my goals. I have told her in a reply to her email, that I have not given up hope, and that I don't want a D, though ultimately that's her choice.
Thanks TD for helping to pick me up off the floor with your positive vibes and encouragement in the face of what appears to be seriously terrifying odds.

Lola, You are an absolute gem, and your thoughts and expression of care for my situation are enormously appreciated. I do feel that 19 years is a very long time, and am trying to hold on to the positive. I feel slightly encouraged that you feel she is exhibiting "classic " symptoms. At least it gives me an idea of what I'm really up against here. Trying to "breathe"............

She has asked if I want to come home to see the boys, and that we discuss what options we have. I had hoped that she might be at least partially open to me spending more time at home, but it really doesn't feel like she's in any way open to that right now. She's insisting that if I do come home to visit, then she'll move out. Feels like I have to try to slow this thing DOWN. I hope Lola that you're right about it getting easier with time. But she sure seems to be saying that we're right out of time. I will try to get back to the goal thing, and to try to focus on being a friend and dad, and a better person. I realise that I'm focusing Waaaay too much on her. Thankyou both again.
But I know she's going to call tonight, and I must get a hold of myself

Well, I managed to get over my apprehension about calling her after all this. It was all pretty cool, business-like and pretty much as expected. I had called to make arrangements to see the boys, and as she had said, she would go stay at her sisters for the duration of my "visit". I realise that my last visit there and my disastrous im convo, have lead me to backslide rather badly. I did feel rather good though, just telling her in my reply to her email, that I felt disrespected when she talked about OM.
I did feel that I had not been putting my disapproval of that across, in lieu of the fact that I felt that this had all been entirely my doing. TD, you are absolutely right though, that I must try to put this whole issue on the back burner, and not mention it again.
It will be difficult being back there, and her not being in the house. I will be focusing on my sons, and maybe just to try to enjoy being back in my home for a while.

I know I need to just dust myself off, forgive myself for my inadequacies, and get back on the DB horse. Guess I need to think about setting some new goals, which I suppose at this stage, are the ones I started out with. Be positive, upbeat, no R or OM talk. I guess maybe on this visit, it might not be just as hard, as I'm unlikely to see her for more than a few minutes.

Did get a bit emotional after the call, but I so so want to keep fighting, and to make sure I don't leave out any avenue or approach, to improve me, my relationships, and my situation.

I keep asking myself "How in the hell did I get to be here?" Sometimes, just for a moment, it feels like I'm in some sort of nightmare parallel world, and then I have to acknowledge that it's my reality.

I have undying admiration for some of the people on this bb, who have soldiered on through even worse than this, and for considerably longer, and I do take heart in the faith, patience, strength and perseverance that you all have.

I long for the day when I am in a better place than this, and it seems that many of the "tools" are out there to do it. I guess it's just the application and control needed to achieve that's the hard part.

Off home tomorrow, Joy, and sorrow.
Gotta get thru this.