Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Aussie Girl - Patience might finally be paying off

Gosh Essie, that sounds like such a confusing picture. Theres clearly alot of 'stuff' lingering between you from your time apart and as you havent really sat down and had any convos about all of that.. its left hanging around, unspoken? Meanwhile... you are tentatively trying to be a couple again. I can see there are barriers to that, but I cant think what you can do about it. You have some resentments/fears still and that may be obvious, or even misinterpreted by him (DAM!) and that may be making him nervous? He has come round enough to want you back in his life, but the underlying issues that made him leave in the first place havent been quite resolved? BUT, at least he is including you in his life and with friends, which is all positive!

I hope someone else has some good insight, I am as confused as you are! Thinking of you though, as always
Ali xxx

Hi Essie,
I have been catching up with everybody and read you are in a confusing point where you dont know what to do next. Well, all I can think of is focus again on your goal and proceed towards it with lttle moves.
What is your goal? Have him say something or do something clear that means he wants you back?
Initiate again physical touch/possum activity and this time you will...?
Spend more time together?
Take it to the next level after some relevant convo?
What exactly is it that you would want at this point and would make you feel better?
Figure that out and then regroup and make a plan again. You have been doing so good. Please dont't get discouraged or confused now. You are in control. Act as if you are confident even if you arent and lead. Have a clear picture of what you want next. Back to basics.
Love
K

(((((Future Girl))))

I think I agree with Sunshine- it'd be good to list your goals and see if we can work out a way to move towards them. I know you want H to pursue you, but do you think he could be wanting to take things easy and slowly in the spirit of 'having fun' that you guys talked about a few weeks ago? I was just thinking that having fun to him might mean something completely different than it does to you, i.e. that you both have different expectations for how the R should look at this time....

I think it's great that he suggested going to Sydney next weekend- WOW!! I also like that he introduced you to his friends. I wonder if it might be worth holding back on initiating physical contact a little? Step back and let him come towards you a bit more....

And one final thing I was wondering was whether he was slightly cool as a result of the ignored text on Wednesday? I know I said it before, but I genuinely think he was trying to be open with you in the conversation last weekend and may be a bit confused as to why you backed off. CEO (I know he may not be a relationship guru!) says that men are sensitive creatures and that although books tell women to back off, sometimes they get confused by that behaviour and think it means the woman doesn't like them so they get insecure. Even though he's an extremely confident man, he says he gets like that too. Just a thought, anyway!

Oooh, have you re-read the MLC chapter in DR? Just MWDs thoughts on your feelings if/when your spouse does decide to work on the M? I think it's a good bit!!

L. xx

I've been reading the Passionate Marriage, and reflecting on what went 'wrong' on the weekend:

Passionate more heavy going than most of the other self help books so I'm not getting through it as fast as I normally would. I've also just finished reading some other relationship books, and while they might be useful for others, when I read them I normally think I must have been a terrible wife (should have greeted H at the door wearing cellophane more often!!) and then I feel sorry for H, and then I try really hard to please him. And I honestly think he can smell it when I'm insecure and trying to get his approval - and he backs off, which makes me feel rejected and hence another crash on the weekend.

To remedy it I read the first chapter of the BITCH book again (which works wonders for me) and realised, hang on this is stupid. I should be the one figuring out if being with H makes me feel good, and if H is good enough for me. So I booked a two week holiday in Asia for Xmas on Monday, and I contacted a local church group to see if I could do some of their social things to meet some new people. And H must have smelt the change on the wind, because he rang me, and I was focused on myself and my exciting holiday. Somehow he must sense that I dont need his affection, and he's not the centre of my world. AND HE HAS LEFT 2 MESSAGES SINCE!

Other people have been posting advice to other people and 'kid gloves' have been mentioned a couple of times, and that also got me thinking. And its ridiculous that I'm allowing myself to get upset over a stupid boy, who isnt making me feel great and he is the one missing out on me!

I just have to figure out a way to remember that, cause I think I did that same cycle only 2 weeks ago. (I get caught on trying to be a good wife, and make him happy, so easily).

Anyway I'm just starting the chapter on differentiation (passionate marriage), and I think this might be on the same track?!?

T - thanks for recommending Passionate Marriage!

OD and K - you know I never really have got the goal thing!! And it shows doesnt it, because I'm not focused and I have these big highs and lows. I'm re-reading goal setting chapters. I will let you know when I've figured out a goal. Thanks for pushing me in that direction - I know it will be good for me. You both have such amazing insight and love! Thank you.

Ali - thanks so much for posting. I'm reading your thread with interest - you sound good and strong and I really like your new direction.

Sometimes I think our Hs were good enough for all of us BEFORE this sh!t started, but after we learn and grow and change, they really need to work hard to be able to stand beside us...

It is not fair for them in a way because as we go our path, our expectations from life and our relationships become clearer and bigger and accurate. We form a clear picture in our head of how we need to be loved and train ourselves to love in the best possible way we can. We are ready to give more and better love but EXPECT to get some back.

Speaking for myself, I know exactly what would make me happy and, honestly, my stbxH would have to do his (huge) part of self dicovery and improvement to be able to keep me satisfied and happy...

Just thinking...

This falls into the BING BING BING category! I thought my H just about walked on water, and that he had by far gotten the short end of the stick in our R, right up until I found out about his first EA. I still think he was a pretty wonderful person for the first 15 years or so that we were together.

As for now...well, as we all know, our WAS's are *totally* different people once MLC kicks in, and I wouldn't even go on a first date with my H if I were meeting him today and he were acting toward me as he currently is, especially if I knew about his history of lying and cheating. Since this whole mess began, I have done so much work on myself that I am a totally different person too, but in entirely positive ways, especially in the realm of self-esteem. He is in IC, but as far as I can tell (given that he doesn't really talk to me about anything of significance), he has not done that deep, painful work necessary to become a better person, and is still wallowing in the muck of his immoral behavior. I still feel that he doesn't deserve me, but now it's because I believe that HE's not worth it, rather than that *I* am not worth it.

In short: I have improved dramatically. He has regressed. As a result, I am now light-years ahead of him.

So...that is a great insight, but enough about me! Essie, how are YOU doing today? If you have any insights about the goal thing, I would love to hear that too! You have gotten lots of good advice here, IMO. How are you doing with GAL and having FUN?

Peace,
Dawn

Essie,

I am SO GLAD that you are enjoying passionate marriage!!! it is way deeper and slower to read than any of the others... but so amazing.

When I read it I sort of withdrew from the board for a while and didn't really share the big relevations from that experience. But I would love it if you (and others too) started incorporating some of those ideas into our work and sharing here... I feel like it could take our community in a whole new direction, and give us new tools.

I am so excited about your trip! where are you going in asia?

(((ESSIE)))
love,
T

((((Future Girl))))

Hope your weekend is going swimmingly!

L. xx

Maybe you dont want to be with me - but that's not the same thing as rejecting me. You, my partner, have a right to choose whom you want to be with. You can vote about whether or not you want to be with me, but you no longer get a vote about whether or nor I'm okay. The whole point is, I need to hold onto myself - especially if you don't want to hold me.

From the Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch

Life is good. I am okay. For some reason I needed to make that distinction. H gets to choose whether or not he wants to be with me. But H doesn't get to choose whether or not I'm an okay person.

I'm not looking to H to validate me - I can validate myself, and if I'm upset I can self soothe, not look for affirmation from him.

I've had an up and down week. But a lovely weekend so far, doing lots of nice things for myself and enjoying being me. Just got a great hair cut, had coffee with a new girlfriend (and we made plans to go out next Friday night, cause she is single too), bought a new rug, and have had some inspiration about some home decorating ideas. A lovely man is pursuing me (but he has baggage, but the attention is very flattering). My brother and his girlfriend have been away for 10 months travelling around Australia and they just got home, so good to see them, and see their amazing photos. I'm loved by friends and family.

H sent me text message last night, and rang this morning twice. He might pop in tomorrow to see me if it fits in around his wake boarding (silent scream - why cant he make a date to see me at another time??!?!?!). I am busy in the afternoon doing volunteering with a Children's hospital, which I really enjoy. I would like to give H a huge big kiss when I see him though!

Hey Essie, I like that, thats really a good mental place to aim for. It really struck a chord with me, as the effect of him leaving me for someone else makes me think I am NOT ok! But then, thats because he was a close friend as well as my bf for 12 years and I value and respect his opinion..so if his opinion of me is altered, then that alters my opinion of myself, it makes me see myself differently, in reflection. If he no longer values me in his life, it makes me wonder what there is about me that isnt to be valued. Anything in the book about that aspect!?

I wanted to post to you before.. sometimes when you talk about your plans and life (and the holiday you went ahead and booked without asking him his plans). I can see you feel proud of yourself, like you are making healthy choices... but sometimes I wonder if you arent either having, or creating barriers around you? You remind me of me when I was about 30.. I thought I had it all figured out, I lived alone and saw my ex often but thught it was healthy to not let him move in. I didnt always let him stay over, but dropped him home, I had a lot of separate hobbies and interests and we had joint friends but very much our own friends too. Looking back now, it was all barriers to commitment and the effect of it was that he felt that I slightly held the balance of power in the R. This came back to haunt me, as he slowly and perhaps not even conciously in himself, built up resentments.

I'm just saying, that when I listen to you, sometimes I wonder if you are in fact behaving in a counter-intuitive way to fully reconciling with him. You have to answer that, and also, what the roots of it are. For me, it was childhood conditioning. My Mum had drummed it into me, dont get M, dont rely on a man, keep your independence as though it was a WEAKNESS to give yourself to a man, that it was a negative thing. So, on the positive side, I always thought it was a good thing that I was independent. On the down side, it made me a little controlling, a bit cool perhaps, limiting in the love I was giving, at least thats how it might have been interpreted by any man in my life. So for all my "I am woman" strong independence, I still ended up alone. Personally, I'd have rather taken the risk to throw myself body and soul into it from the outset and then I wouldnt have to look back and wish I knew then what I now know.