The possum didnt get a drilling, but both possum and drill were satisfied!! Ha! Wasnt sure I wanted to go 'all the way' - still want him to have room to move towards me... so that was the best solution!
It was really nice and fun. And the best part was the pillow talk afterwards - I really missed that.
Wow, this is amazing news Essie!!!!!!! You must be thrilled!!! I have a good feeling, as in, I dont think he will disappear again now - the thing about next year was HUGELY postive!
Who'd have thought hey?! Well you did! How did you manage to keep up a PMA, to not worry or think that he must have met someone else, or could have met someone else, seeing as you were not really in contact for so long? I think it was a few weeks between contacts wasnt it? I havent heard from my ex for nearly 3 weeks now, so I was just wondering if you could share how you got through it to this point!
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
OK so after the 'high' there has to be a low... need your input and advice on this.
H sent me a few text messages yesterday thanking me and saying that he had an amazing night. Then he rang me last night just to chat - I'd just got back from an aerobic class, which is 180 and GAL. We chatted about the day etc.
Then he told me that he had just got off the phone from his mum. He said his mum had been asking / nagging him about his life. e.g. how many cigarettes is he smoking, how uch s he drinking, does he have any fresh fruit or vegetables in his fridge etc etc. then he said his mum had asked him about pornography, and he had told her that he was single and he was OK with it, and she had said be careful it can lead to an addiction.... and then I sort of changed the subject and we laughed about his mum. (Obviously not funny and they both have boundary issues. But he immediately came back to the conversation about porn and that he had told his mum that he was single and he can watch pron and sleep with random women. He was saying this in a OMG its so funny way. And I think I said "I guess you must have had to be there" ie. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to be saying here. The weirdest part was that it really felt like he had to make a point about being single and sleeping with whoever. At this point in the conversation I said that I'd better go and get some dinner. So I left the conversation in a light and breezy tone.
Am I over-reacting? I'm not stupid that of course he hasn't been Mr Virgin while we've been separated, but why he needed to tell me like that, I'm not really sure.
Anyway I'm going dark now. he's going to have to get himself out of that little whole he dug! I'm going to ignore at least the next 2 times he tries to make contact and be busy all weekend.
IMHO you should act AS IF about it. I think there's actually something good here in that he felt able to be open with you about it all, the conversation and the fact he has it (why he felt he needed to tell you like that- maybe he didn't feel he needed to confess; maybe he sees having it as a normal part of being a bloke?). Men are totally different from women when it comes to s*x, so I don't know, I#d be inclined to put it to one side for now and deal with it as your R progresses through an open discussion.
I don't think it's a good idea to punish him for mentioning it, or to penalise him for using it while you guys have been apart. Better than an OW? Different, I guess. Reward him for calling and texting you, and maybe when the time is right mention your concerns about the porn to him. I know it's hard but try not to see it as a reflection on you. For most men it's a physical thing while they're on their own (IMHO). I don't think it HAS to lead to addiction.....
Just my �0.02, anyway. I'm so pleased that he called you and was able to discuss things in so much detail with you (even though a bit was bleugh). Also, how great that he texted you so many times to say he enjoyed last night- that's fantastic!!
How did you manage to keep up a PMA, to not worry or think that he must have met someone else, or could have met someone else, seeing as you were not really in contact for so long? I think it was a few weeks between contacts wasnt it? I havent heard from my ex for nearly 3 weeks now, so I was just wondering if you could share how you got through it to this point!
Ali xxx
Hi Ali. Well firstly I just want to say that its very very hard! Of course I worried that he was meeting lots of lovely girls, while I was sitting at home crying! So The most important thing I did was let go of the situation and work on accepting it. This is what I said in my head (you need to figure out the bit that 'stings' the most and practise accepting it) "I accept that H and I are separated.... I dont like it, but I accept that that is the situation. I accept that the lovely H that I married no longer appears to exist, I dont like it but I'm choosing to accept it." You could say "I accept that he is possibly dating / meeting / sleeping with someone else, I dont like it but I do accept it". And then you realise that even the worst thought doesnt kill you and you can live with it.
I had a goal of 50 days without me contacting him. I had an excuse to contact him as a reward for getting through 50 days. But I never got that far. i think we went at least 2 times with stretches of greater than 30 days before he made contact with me. And then after that I stopped counting and caring! But definitely there were periods of greater than a month without any contact, and then the contact was so minimal.
And I tried to be attractive for me. Really do things that I liked. GAL worked for me. And of course I had to force myself out. Staying at home and crying is so much easier but it doesnt make you feel any better!
Going dark (or at least not initiating any contact) was eventually something I felt really proud of myself for. And the longer I spent away from him the more I appreciated myself and saw good things in me.
That might help - I'm sure you already know this, but you can do it. And I'm proud of you for going 2 1/2 weeks with no contact - it is super hard!
Thanks so much Lisa. I'm glad that you think that.
Can I ask for one more bit of advice?
I dont care that he has been sleeping with other people, using porn (well a bit). The thing that I really dont like is why he TOLD me about it. Its like he doesnt think about how it makes me feel. Actually he knows for sure that it would upset me. He's not trying to 'win' me back and impress me - he's just thinking about himself.
Anyway after that conversation I actually dont want to see him or talk to him for a while - I want a break. So I'm not really thinking its punishing him, more just giving him a chance to miss me again, and figure out that he needs to try and woo me. What's the worst that could happen?? He might not be bothered trying to get my attention, and then he would miss out on having fun with me!
