Thanks. The MC thinks she is showing signs of ambivilance toward deciding to leave and is having second thoughts. I spoke to one of her coworkers who related a brief conversation they had regarding the health of the M (when others were seeing the stress she was under) and W made the comment "I guess I have his attention now."
Well, she certainly has it. The changes I have made were a long time in coming and necessary. Perhaps it is not too late, but the affair still has been a total violation of the intimacy and trust and I refuse to take ownership of it. Through her years of depression and withdrawl, never once did I think of straying it or ending the M. The MC thinks she may want her cake and eat it too, but that is not something with which I can live. She must admit to her transgression and then we can move forward to the next phase of the R (not necessarilly D).
A new day. Last night we met for dinner after she had been with OM. The weather was very nice and I greeted her with a smile, hug, and kiss and tols her that I was actually hoping that she would suggest something like this to get out of the house. It was pleasant and the boys (sort of) behaved. She had 2 glasses of wine and we went home. I gave her a hug at home and we ML and it felt a bit strange. However, she was not showered or cleaned up and there did not seem to have been any prior recent intercourse in the previous few hours which has me wondering. She went to bed early and I stayed up a bit.
This morning, she scooted over next to me and slept touching me for 1-2 hours. After her morning workout, I gave her two passionate hugs and she seemed to return them (trust me, when she wants to be ambivilent, there is no hiding it), but then I involuntarilly said ILY and could not stop myself fast enough. She returned it, but I do not know its true meaning. Later she commented on my seemingly improved attitude while reading the paper.
All in all, not a bad day, but you never know what the weekend brings. There is always hope for renewed conflict and misery.
She was with the OM why???? Boy she has her cake and eating too!!! She has her lover (OM) and she has her husband taking all the blame for everything. As long as she snuggles at night he won't rock the boat.
She said she was at a mall shopping. I went there and found her car and sat watching it for a while and then the OM drove up and dropped her off at her car. I was sorely tempted to just rush in and start the confrontation but held my breath and let her drive off.
I got home about 15 minutes after her (about 1 hr after watching the car) and walked up to her, complemented her outfit and gave her a passionate hug (did not say ILY then) and she returned it with feeling. The boys wanted to go on an errand and I wispered to her, "Take them in 10 minutes" and she led me into the bedroom to ML. It was better than it had been in a while and I noticed that there was no inappropriate substances "down there." And she still smelled faintly of the body lotion she uses in the morning and no other soaps so there was no recent washing-up.
Afterwards, she motioned me over to her to kiss her neck and shoulders and asked me to tell her how much I loved her!!!! THAT has not happened in a long time...
So now I am confused. What is she doing running around with this guy if there is no identifiable sexual intercourse? Am I being over paranoid? No stains on her clothes or suspicious stains in her panties. No nothing except driving around with him.
Showers and Feminine products tend to remove the evidence!!! She is so worked up that she still comes home and jumps your bones or just to throw you off what happened. And it seems to be working.
My point was that there was no afternoon showering or additional scented products used after they were together. And, no, I have no illusions about her "manipulation." Right now, it's just sex. If if is guilt sex, then OK. She is the one who has objectified the R and chosen the path of infidelity. If she up and leaves, fine by me. It took several months for me to get to a place where I can say that, but the anxiety is really gone and now it is more intellectual curiosity as to exactly what they are doing.
I am still debating about whether to expose her to end the subterfuge and right now, I am getting closer to the point of being able to accept the negative consequences, if ther are any. Of course I can only hope for the best and that she will repent and want to work on the M and R, but if there is going to be an accrimonious fight, I may just pack up her clothes and toss them out on the front lawn.
Was at work today and finished early, but stayed several hours later to keep her from running off to see OM. She uses one of her specific errands as a euphamism for going off to meet him. We had a children's party to go to in the evening and my timing was perfect in keeping her around. However, I know she will engineer a way to see him. I don't care about the infidelity, but it is the lies and being thought of as a dupe that really bothers me.
I feel a tremendous urge to expose her and create a situation where she feels shame, guilt, and hopefully some remorse. Perhaps also some hyperventilation and yelling and crying and mental anguish thrown in for good measure.
At the party she was talking to one of the other moms and they were discussing their pregnancies and she made a comment about how big she got and how she would walk up to a table and lift up her belly and flop it down on the talble to get close enough to do anything. I had to walk out because I teared up over how bad the situation was and how our lives have taken such a downward turn.
Last night she went out with a friend and said she would be back several hours later. I was extremely suspicious and called her about 2 hours later and got her in her car so she had to admit to coming home rather than going with the OM as she apparently planned. About an hour after coming home she got a cell phone call in my presence and promptly deleted it fromt the call list. But I already know what is going on so no big mystery. I decided not to confront at that point.
I had prepared a really good meal for the family and was reading a book at the table when she came in and she ate her dinner sitting at the table with me (rather than standing at the counter or over the sink) and we talked about parenting issues and some of the conflicts with our children and I was reading to her some of the passages about parenting styles and discussing them.
She then began to seriously cry and wail and hyperventilate about how bad a parent she was and how her life was crap and how she wanted to be perfect. I rubbed her back, told her that no one is perfect and parenting is a difficult thing when there is conflict in the house and where there were no good role models for us when we were children (which there weren't). She did not turn to hug me, but I could tell there was a tremendous amount of guilt in each one of her sobs not related to the children.
I guess that I was to some degree pleased that she was having an emotional breakdown for everything she has been putting the family through, but I can also empathise with the pit-in-the-stomach feeling that the conflict also brings.
I was not angry at all, but at this point I felt an emotional detachment that means that if things end in D, I'll go on. In fact, in our last MC session, one of the questions I was asked by the MC was what I would do if it ended. I replied that I'd go on and that I was young enough to find someone else. I knew she was paying attention to that because the next day while swimming with the children and her, she commented about my statement about finding someone better(!) than her. Of course I did not say "better" in the MC session, but clearly that is what she heard. I corrected her and said that there was no one "better" than her and that it was just a hypothetical question anyway.
Had a session with the MC alone today. He came up with some excellent advice.
1. Do not expose the affair. She'll just confirm that I am the ogre she perceives me to be. She is already showing signs of conflict and remorse and may be on the verge of admitting it herself.
2. GAL. But not just any life. Start to do things to make her jealous. I have a friend who she knows is an invenerate phillanderer who travels all over the world. He is always offering to take me with him. I am going to go with him the next couple of trips.
3. Keep exercising and losing weight and making myself more physically attractive.
Do 1, 2, and 3 sound reasonable? Do you agree or disagree with them or would you add/substitute anything else?
