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ITH,

I think you're doing well overall. It may be, if you feel what you're doing isn't working, you should cut the IMs. But I really don't get the feeling that you're at the point where that's necessary. A question on the budget: what if you just left it up to him? After all, he wants to be alone, then that's part of the deal.

Just a thought.

Hi BH,

Thing with the budget is that it's joint finances, and Jody suggested that the way I talk about finances needs to be inline with the general message I'm trying to convey about the relationship. For the moment this is that I want us to be together, so I definitely wouldn't pull my stock money or anything. I do have another motive with the budget, and that's that he will see how expensive being apart actually is. I hope this doesn't sound manipulative. I am not going to call out any of those extra expenses. It is just up to him to see them for himself. The budget was created some time ago, so this is just an updated version.

I think you're right about the IMs. I don't feel the need to cut them out, as from time to time I get to make some progress on them, or so I feel. It is also the only contact we have at the moment, marriage by IM...

ITH

Hey ITH

I think that letting him see the budget and then asking for his help shows 2 things

1. you need his help with something

2. that there are certain expenses that are "unneccesary" and might open his eyes a little to the reality

Just my 2 cents!

Thanks Daisy!

OK for anyone who wants to look at my proposed email, I'd be really grateful. I'll either send it tomorrow or Thursday, just waiting for the right moment...it would ideally be in conjunction with him bringing up finances first so that it wouldn't be me just sending yet another ignorable email!

Here goes...

"We are in somber shape for this next pay period. This pay period is lower than last due to it not including any bonuses. My student loans aren't on deferment anymore, and we don't have any carryover from the previous paycheck like anticipated. The one piece of good news is that we've paid off significantly more on your tuition by now than we had planned to; I'm glad that's been sorted.

Any suggestions, please let me know. I already took out my personal trainer and gym and lowered the dog-walking expenses by half due to E being on vacation. We are still ending the month with a significant shortfall.

The end of the next month is better due to stock money, so we will be able to pay on a few things, and I will need to pay quite a bit on my card as we have been putting groceries etc. on it and I am behind on payments which is very bad. I'd love your suggestions on how best to use the rest of that money. I am not sure how much it will actually be, depends on the stock price when it sells but at least X.

Also, I noticed that your mom has not cashed her $X check this month. Are you still sending these? Does she need more now that she is commuting from X? What do you think would be the right amount?"

So I threw that bottom paragraph in there about his mom, because I used to be rude about him sending her money, at least in his opinion. He also thinks I blame her for giving him advice to S from me. Family means SO much to him, so thought this would show a nice 180. She's recently moved to a new neighborhood, and the cost of gas might have made her commute higher.

The budget itself is just line items and amounts, no notes or anything.

I know it's a long email, but there are several things I want to convey. Any thoughts?

ITH

Hi ITH,

I'm not sure about your e-mail- it seems a bit long. I'd just send it with note saying

'Here's the budget. Let me know what you think and drop me a line if you need more info'

Then leave it at that- I think if he wants control, you should let him have it in the sense that you can both discuss it once he's had some time to look at it and draw his own conclusions. Bing supplied with your thoughts and questions straight off seems a bit as though you're guiding him (which is maybe what you want?). If he needs notes he can always ask for more information, but I'd just be inclined to raise these things when he's had a chance to look and you guys discuss by IM or on the phone....

JMHO though!

Hope your day's going well,

L.

Thanks OD,

Yeah I'm so torn...

I see exactly what you're saying, and this makes sense. There are a few things that I actually DO want to highlight in the email though. I do want him to know that it wasn't my oversight that got us into this predicament...

What do you think if the email is shorter:

"I've attached the budget. We have a shortfall this month because we didn't have money left over from the previous pay period like anticipated. I've made some cuts on my side (personal trainer/gym).

Can you let me know what you think and if you have any other suggestions?

Also on another note noticed your mom's $X check wasn't cashed this month. Are you still sending these and given her new commute do you think this is still the right amount? What amount do you think would be best?"

I really want to keep SOME reference to his mom in the email unless it seems too left field...

Thoughts on this?

ITH

I think one day is right. It is lengthy and seems a little manipulative (not saying you are! not at all.) but by saying where YOU are making YOUR cuts to the expenses it is almost like saying "look what I am giving up, what are you going to give up buddy?" Does that make sense? I think it might be better to just send him a shorter version and if it needs further discussion your H will most certainly contact you about it and you can bring some of those things up then. I am just worried about you coming across controlling since that is one problem we seem to share

OK...point taken Daisy :).

Can I at least keep in the part about his mom though?

ITH

I see what you are saying. . .hmmm.

You could probably get away with that since your personal cuts are not so front and center just a passing mention. The mom thing is tricky. You could always phrase it like a question "just wondering if I should still include those payments to your mom in the budget as I am not sure of that situation" or something like that instead of mentioning that they haven't been getting cashed.

OK,

Final try...:)Then I'm off to the gym! (I don't want to go!!!)

"I've attached the budget. We have a shortfall this month because we didn't have money left over from the previous pay period like anticipated.

Can you let me know what you think and if you have any suggestions?

Also on another note, are you still sending those checks to your mom? Is X still the right amount or does it need to be increased?"

Sorry just adamant that he sees that I want to give his mom more money. This is really important I think...Hope this looks better now!

ITH