Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy He said it just happened, no big deal.

"People who say their affairs just happened aren't necessarily intentionally trying to cover their asses or justify their behavior; they often truly believe what they're saying. They simply lack insight or awareness of the ways in which their actions, however subtle, have created their current predicaments. But in the same way that affairs don't just happen, neither does healing from betrayal. Unless those who have strayed look inward and take personal responsible for the paths their lives have taken, they will not be able to get back on track when they've gotten derailed. In my view, being unconscious just doesn't cut it."

I'm starting a new post as I'm feel I'm trying to start a new life. I've been peeking around on many other posts and loving them! I need to get clear on my own and hopefully all the good people here will help me.

At this moment we are playing the let's get back together game. But I feel he totally fits Michelle's above analysis. He feels totally justisfied in cheating and doesn't feel he needs to do any work. Just me! So I'm feeling totally out of sorts here. I try to do the DB'ing (apparently working, he's back) but I feel so much pain and anger. How can he LOOK IN THE MIRROR! Tell me this? Someone please?

Well it's late here and I should try to sleep.

Lyn

Lyn, I'm in the same boat as you. My W said "I didn't go looking for this, it just happened". And now that her affair is over as best I can tell, she doesn't want to deal with any of it and it's been left to me to fix what I did wrong to make her cheat.

Be careful. If I'd have known 6 months ago that she would hang on to this "it's your fault I cheated" attitude, I would have left then.

Are we in Piecing? I don't honestly know. We seem to be getting along pretty decent, but when there's a little hiccup where I need something from her we get set back. And I don't know how much longer I can keep this up with her attitude.

I'm only writing this to let you know when the wayward spouse supposedly comes back to the marriage after an affair but is unwilling to do what's necessary for BOTH of you to heal, it's very, very difficult. Heck, it's difficult if both of you WANT to do the work necessary. But if one party isn't joining in it's almost impossible.

Take care of yourself.

So you make the changes in yourself and take your share of the responsibility and he still blames you?! Sometimes they don't need a mirror but a big old knock upside the head.

Have you changed your life to make it the way YOU want it? Are you doing things for yourself? Are you talking to him, not accusing or blaming but actual talking? Maybe it has to come out in bits and pieces.

Heck, my x doesn't even think he has done anything wrong! This is 2 years later. How delusional is that?

kat

I COMPLETELY agree with this.

Puppy

My H does the same thing to a degree, he is working very hard to fix the pieces of the marriage that were wrong to begin with and he is doing a great job. But when it comes to the Affair he still wants to justify that we were separated when it happened and that in his mind at the time we were through. He will tell me and the MC that he knows that is not the right way to look at it but deep in his mind he does feel that way. Although I get frustrated at times I am hoping that time will allow his fog to completely pass. We were talking the other day and I asked him how he was feeling regarding his choice to end the A and work on our M and he told me that the only regret he has was ML to me and her at the same time and because of that her M was ruined as well. Puppy, after reading your advice I am hopefully optimistic but still working on making my needs come first.

OMG mine said that I should be happy he didn't ML at the same time (although I think he probably lied about that) but also that he felt so bad that I (meaning me) ruined her life because her H was brought to the party!!! What about ruining my LIFE, his KIDS LIVES!! He's lucky I haven't shot him or stabbed him or something *#&% worse and what other symbols mean swear words.

So now that I have that rant out of my system, how do you move on when there are set backs. He is fine as long as there are no hiccups. . . I am trying to GIL doing pretty good so far. But any time there is a bump we seem to lose it. Tonight he did something so insensitive he booked a dinner in front of me with one of the persons who helped him cheat !!!!!!! In the locale where they did it. At dinner in front of our S16. I gave him a look and he said "Whaaatt???" So I said I need a breather and took a walk. After dinner he asked what that was about. and I said when you make plans with him knowing what you did in front of me it's like a dagger in my heart. He said maybe you need to see a C. So now he is basically pouting and ignoring me and So I decided to try and act like we just need to talk and asked if there is anything he wants to say and he said I'm just tired I need a break! I'm here aren't I? That means I'm trying if I weren't I would just leave, UGH! So I reminded him that is how he deals with problems, and then I left the room. So tired of this. How do we hold on when they shut down?

Just journaling now (is that a word? I suck at english, math is my thing) Tonight he is acting like he did in Feb when he dropped the Bomb. normally I would follow and hound "what's going on, what's your problem, etc. etc. etc." but instead I'm sitting here pounding these keys. So maybe if Michelle's cheeseless tunnels works, I might have made a tiny diff. Still not sure it's worth it? Also, another issue for me, I actually had a life a long time ago and for many years. One of the reasons I lost it (I know, I GAVE it up) was because he didn't like it. So NOW I'm supposed to do it again and push him away again. Feels counter productive.

Early morning he slept on the couch last night, that's what he was doing when he was cheating and saying he fell out of love, so what do I do now? Just ignore last night? Ignore him? Act like nothing happened? I know there's a reason for all this but wish it was at least a little clear right now.

Lyn

I suggest you confront him.

I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with your sitch. Is he still having an affair, or is there supposedly no-contact in place?

Puppy