I love what Forrest writes. He helps ME see your sitch even more clearly. Interesting that so much of what the two of us have to say seems synchronized.
My question for you about this weekend...
Is this enough to feed your soul as you continue on through this rebuilding of a marriage?
Because, make no mistake, you are NOT busting a divorce anymore.
You are rebuilding a marriage.
Ala "The Six Million Dollar Man"...better, stronger, faster.
I keep trying to remind you that you've seen so much progress, though I know the pace has not often been to your liking. Your wife has maintained the stance that she HAD to maintain. In fact, I find her approach to be somewhat admirable given the history you have shared with us.
I've long ago reached peace with the fact that the social life, complete with enjoying the alcohol, is a part of the life you two enjoy. It doesn't worry me like it used to. More and more we are catching glimpses of a woman who can handle the possibility of a future together WITHOUT needing to medicate.
Want another dose of fear?
You're the only one who can really derail this process now. Our buddy Forrest might say that you were ALWAYS the only one who could derail the process for that matter.
Are your changes for real? Do you feel them to your core, are they a part of every breath you take? Do you still feel the absolute anguish at how close you came to losing her? Is it vivid enough to make you run in the opposite direction from your old ways?
There will be many tests yet to come. I'm not saying this is a done deal. But you continue to experience SIGNIFICANT positives from your wife. You see, I believe that SHE has moved just a touch also. She has begun to believe, even if just a little bit.
The camping trip was a seminal moment for you in your relationship with her. Despite all the shortcomings you shared in telling your story, the one you never really focused on much turns out to be the one that really stood out to her.
You were willing, if even only for a weekend, to get a life.
You went without her.
I don't believe she thought you would.
And yet I believe she desperately wanted you to.
The young girls around the fire ring was an extra bonus that was handled very well on your part, and paid, I think, huge dividends in reinforcing in your wife's mind this VERY important thought:
NDS very well may have finally become the man that I fell hopelessly in love with, and now he may spend the rest of his life being that man with another woman.
The ball is in your court my friend.
Put away the neediness and the doubt. Continue to let loose the reigns of control that you used to exercise, which kept her bound in a life she did NOT want. Through your actions, show her each day how blessed you feel for still having her in your life. Continue to find great satisfaction in sharing HER interests, even when they don't coincide with yours.
Butterfly indeed...
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Have some more things I want to say, and still want to go back to Bill and Forrest's posts because they made me think of more things.
While I have time right now I just want to finish telling about the weekend. Nothing too unusual, but a couple more of her "backslides".
Saturday was her brother's birthday party. We worked and met at home to change. Her younger brother rode with us. The last time we had been to a large gathering like this was actually my birthday at home back in August.
I told myself I would give her some space that evening. Her brother is close in age and there would be some old mutual friends of their's, family of that neither had seen in a while, her other brother that I get along well with.
Just wanted to let her be that "social butterfly" that she is when she is around other people, so I tried not to be stuck to her side all night....and not that I was testing her, but I wanted to see if I got that same "seeking out H" that I saw the last couple of times we were in these sitches.
This was an outdoor party and it was easy at times to lose track of where someone was....inside, outside, front yard or back...under the tent.
She had invited "best friend"(I am better with her now...more on that later), so she was there and they spent a lot of time together.
As the night went on I saw the same thing I had seen before. That little internal time or distance meeter she has....I never looked for her, nor did I seek her out during the night, but she was never too far away....grabbing my arm to introduce me to someone...asking me to walk her to the other end of the yard because it was dark and she did not want to step in a hole in the grass.
Several of us had plans to go out after the party...W and I, the best friend and 2 other couples....to a tavern up the road. There were DD's and best friend was along for the night and supposed to spend the night at our house.
Same deal at the bar that I saw at the party. Seems I gave her way more space than she wanted and came to my side several times while we were there as I was talking with someone, or off playing pool, etc.
At one point while I was outside by myself having a smoke she came out looking for me....put her arm around me, kissed me on the cheek and said "what are doing out here all alone...are you avoiding me tonight?".....I just gave her a silly look, told her she was crazy and she dragged me back inside with her arm locked around mine.
During the night I also had a short talk with the best friend. She asked how I was doing and I told her..."plugging away..you know...it's hard, this limbo deal".
She said "keep doing what you are doing...you are doing fine". I wanted to ask what she meant, or maybe get some more thoughts about what my wife might have said to her about us, but stopped it there. I really don't want to know....good news would be fine, but why let words from someone else affect what I am doing now.
Ok...have to get back to work....some more stuff from Sunday, but the big thing there was the "you and me" comment that I already mentioned. The day itself was one of our patented ones.
We stayed home together all day. I went grocery shopping for us and went to visit my mother in the morning....she cooked dinner, I made home made margaritas and snacks for the football games.
A great day....football...good food...lots of laughing and talking....she was close and affectionate...at times pulling me to her, hugging me and kissing.
Just don't tell her there are naked chick's dancing around your fire.
"Stopped on the way home for sushi."
I have a "Woody" just thinking about the possibility's.
I read your post when I first got to work this morning....I think everyone was wondering why I was sitting at my desk laughing to myself.
Honestly.. I would suspect that Bill would let it stand. I am the guy that would point it out. I am gonna stir it up.. and make it sarcastic. Bill does not need to say a word.. to know that I agree with him. Both of us have been "here" and "done" that. We both have "Made" it in different ways. Heck for all I know.. he may not like my posting's. Doesn't matter.. we both do it so YOU get it. That's all that matters. Neither of us want to "see" you posting. We want to see you doing better.
Hope you did not take offense at my comment....you both are unbelievable....I feel "lonely" when you guys don't come around and check on me...it's like I miss you guys...LOL. I think I said it before a long time ago....somehow, someway....beers, wings and a game of pool.
"Me?...simple? Did you forget...paralysis from analysis??"
We did not forget it.. You just keep telling us that "it" is not there anymore.. and you have it under control.
Do You?
I said that..when? I suck at this....Being the new me(the one she does not hate)is the freakin easy part....I am getting better at the other stuff, but will be the first to admit I am not there yet. Times with her..with words and actions like I got from her this past weekend help...but....I still suck, just not as much as I did 6 months ago.
"Just what I need...someone else to drink beer with. Very close...very close...if I don't get this out..verbalize it with someone, my heads going to explode, I know....and I just can't figure out what is stopping me...stubbornness...pride? I don't know. I look into it...I think about it...more paralysis from analysis I suppose."
You are just scared of what it will mean.. Time away from Wife.
Man..I can't get anything over on you can I???
You must check your Chi.
Grasshopper
Cricket
Then I think we move into "Butterfly's"
or.. Wax on Wax off.
More chuckling out loud at my desk....these guys are going to think I finally lost it.....Chi??? that's some kind of tea isn't it???
I am pretty sure.. it is movement on your part.
She does not seem to be going anywhere. <----- Sarcasm! (Tongue in Cheek.)
I still have a room for rent!
You still haven't given me the particulars...all you told me was if I came to live with you, you were going to kick my a** before I left for work every morning and make me spill my guts to bums on the street.
OK...have to get serious now. I want to go comment on Bill's post after lunch.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
