Hmmmmmm.... I think I read his email the same way you do. Good that he responded, but the timing and the content don't suggest that he is really trying to cultivate anything, more that he is politely keeping in touch with a friend. I think you will have to do "something" to get him to move, or to find out if he is even interested in moving. What that is still throws me.....
I think you are doing interesting things too! Even just having the possibility of making your passion (cello) your career is really exciting! And I wish I could tutor kids in math! (Not remedial stuff, that would drive me crazy, but helping the advanced student along would be a complete blast! And I have a feeling a lot of them don't get the greatest instruction in school.)
I was thinking about your comment about being creative vs. getting better technically. It seems to me that being better technically is going to help you to be more creative, in the long run. You will understand more about how to get the most out of the instrument, and then you will be able to turn loose your creative side! (And I know you have a creative side, it comes through constantly!)
I'll visit in London!
Last edited by Virtually_Handsome; 09/06/0804:18 AM.
I'm so glad you opened a new thread, and so sorry it's taken me a while to visit you. I've just caught up.
Firstly, I think if you told B that Jesus had called you to ask if you could record an album together it would DEFINITELY get his attention (and probably the rest of the world's too). Imagine if that really happened- I'd eat my hat!
I agree with Jeff (surprise!) about the e-mail. It seems friendly but isn't building a connection particularly. The way I see if you have two options (since NC is not likely to help at this stage)...
1. Continue as you are, batting e-mails back and forth every couple of weeks and see if a slow burn leads to greater connection
OR
2. Engage in a radical 180. Tell B how you feel and that you miss him (and are sorry for your part in the breakup of your R). Then withdraw and let him think on it and see what happens.
There are up- and down- sides to both approaches. My instinct from a distance is telling me that the bold move (number 2) is the way to go, but you know your sitch and what you'd be happy doing best. What do you think?
Oh, and how about responding to B's e-mail quickly rather than delaying?
(((((((Lovely Queen of Melon-tastic Gorgeousness))))))
I'm sorry you've been feeling sad and crying sometimes by yourself, I can identify with that, I have been in that place lately. I saw it as a kind of letting go, or accepting its over. After your less than satisfactory meetings with him, I can see how you would feel upset and need to process that.
Looking at the timescales, the meetings and his email, it seems to me that he is not really drwaing you in in any way, in fact, it feels that he is trying to keep a barrier there between you - with the time delays and the wording of his email. Its sort of polite, but letting you know you are now apart and on a separate path, but he is being friendly.. if you pull out the personal bits this is what jumped out at me...
I hope you have a good time searching
So, I wish you the best of luck, and happy hunting
Best
its almost like a goodbye? I thikn Jeff is right, you've done ALL you can, you've been patient, you've been light and non pressuring, you've dressed yourself up in killer outfits and turned up to his gig... and yet, he is still being distant. I dont see what good it would do asking him if he thinks you have a future, actions speak louder than words, and he knows where you are?
You should reply, maybe be more natural next time? That would be a way to test the waters, or push things... maybe wait for some news of cello hunting, or leave it a while and let him know how you intend to go about choosing one (ask his advice/opinion?) and then brave a... hey, how are you, what you been up to ? Any more blue grass gigs lined up?...ask him some personal questions as you would a mate ! Then, if he doesnt respond, theres your answer. And I dont think you should phone him.
I'm sorry, it sucks and for all of us, but for me this has been a massive massive lesson in control and of controlling emotions and of controlling others, however subtle, but it has been. And I wonder if theres not something more to learn here for you.
I'm so pleased you have a thread again you know, the boards really weren't the same without you.
Ok, my thoughts on the email...
So there were no grand proclamations of love, do you expect that at the moment?? Although it would be nice I'm not sure it is going to happen just now. Expectations are not a good thing as we know, but I think it is pretty impossible not to have them where our loved ones are concerned.
Let's look at the bigger picture. He split up with you, (a year ago??) after which you went dark pretty much straight away. He has no idea what you are thinking or feeling. You both work on yourselves for a while. Out of the blue he sends you the key and you phone him and have a good conversation. Since then you have seen each other a couple of times and phoned/emailed a bit. You both still don't know what the other is thinking and you have to tread a very fine line with each other.
I think both men and women (but especially men, sorry guys) find the written word a bit difficult/awkward when you don't know what someone else thinks or feels. It is awkward and there is an awkward politeness with each other (me and h have it in all our contact apart from the last half hour of our last meeting). In a way it is a bit of a game, I think of it as circling lions however I don't know that one lion makes the first move. You both need to feel at ease with each other for it to free flow again. Men also generally don't put as much feeling into stuff as we women - you only have to look at the posts on this board generally to see the different styles. In a way, that is why I love men's posts on here, they say it like it is and there are no under-lying messages. They write it straight, us women agonise and can be ambiguous. Isn't that why we work on our emails that we send to our men to make sure that there is no ambiguity or pressure? However when we receive emails from them if that female style is not there we feel unloved or rejected.
It is what it is, a response to your recipe and information about the cello. It is a friend's response, but to me that is pretty huge. From what I have described in your situation above, from going from an emotional break-up through no contact to being friends is huge and such an achievement. You should feel so proud.
So you know emailing isn't his great forte for expression. At least he responded and showed interest and it is in no way a closed email saying/ implying no more contact. Jody told me that me and my h are re-framing at the moment and I think that is what you and B are doing. It can't all happen at once. You can't scare him off. This is how it is at the moment and you have to encourage growth while at the same time not rushing it and letting him go at his pace. It has to happen organically, you can't rush this.
What you have been doing so far has WORKED. More patience is needed and this is your forte! Think about the next move. Maybe you could include him in your instrument search? You could always try out a few cellos in New York and ask him to come along because you value his opinion. If you get involved in each other's lives more you will naturally have more to say and less polite emails. Maybe don't email back, maybe pick up the phone? Not now, but soon. You want to build and nurture this friendship not rush it or go on over-drive.
I think it is great he emailed back and it is a nice email. It isn't anymore than that but can you really expect that in light of the circumstances? Work out how you best interact with each other and go with that. Don't forget that we females bond with words... men don't necessarily so don't take it as rejection take it for what it is, a nice gesture and lets work on the next move.
Also, I just wanted to add that it is so difficult to cultivate a relationship/ friendship when there has been a lot of distance and space. You have to get to know each other again on neutral grounds and I think you are doing a great job of 'coming out of the dark'.
Yay it is exciting that B emailed you! I think you are still in the stage of reconnecting as friends. So emailing like friends is good.
Lisa is spot on with her advice. You can choose - to continue building the friendship thing, or put yourself out there and make it clear that you would like more. I vote for 2 but only if you can handle a 'no'.
While you are deciding you must either email back, or call him, within the next 2 days.... Keep building it.
Remember that I got what I considered a fair amount of rejection even when I reached out as just friends.
The 'turning' point for me and H was when I told him that I still believed in him and that I thought he had made a good decision. It was kind of like telling him that I loved him without any strings attached and without actually saying the words 'i love you'. Is there someway that you can say / do something really big that says that you still love him but puts no pressure on him to respond?
What are you thinking?
Hang in there. It is positive that he emailed you back - he didn't have to and it shows he was thinking of you. xxxxxx and a huge hug
WOW !!! thank you guys so much for all of your thoughts. I am going to digest them and get back to you more individually....
OK, I will get back to him tomorrow sometime. I feel like the email thing is really empty or something, so I'm thinking I will phone him. Possible topics could include: I saw a cute article about the music camp he was a counselor at; telling him more about my new cello; asking him how his visit was with his family incl. getting his violin overhauled; if he will go on tour with his accordion-playing friend recently returned from Germany, etc. The only thing about phoning is that it seems more "invasive", the last two conv's we had he seemed like he had a lot to talk to me about but the feeling was a little sad, preoccupied, or distant. But the email thing seems really empty....
I feel like I need to sit down and look through all my data and try to find some kind of pattern. It seems like more or less everything I've done has "worked" in some way or another. but I feel like he was warmer & more receptive to me up to & including his bluegrass concert. The two phone conversations we had since and the lunch and the emails seemed not as warm and open. I don't know if this is because he was distancing, cycling through his emotions, moving one step forward or two steps back, depressed/struggling in his own life, genuinely disinterested in me and annoyed that I was trying to be friendly? who knows.
Option #2 as Lisa says would be what I would do. Of course you need to be prepared for a "no". BUT, if it is a concious, clear NO from his side, wouldnt you want to know? Think about it... K
I think looking through the interactions and seeing if there's a pattern is a good idea, and I agree that it's difficult to know what might be going on in his mind. I know my H is a closed book- I can never tell what he's thinking, so it's better for me if I don't bother!
In terms of the phone call, could you just call to say hello and see how he is? I don't think you need an excuse- sometimes just saying hello is a nice thing to do. I'm not against having topics to discuss prepared though! In general it's seemed to be as though actual conversations rather than mail/text has been more effective for you.
I also wanted to clarify what I meant about option 2 being my gut feeling. I was thinking that since you told B when you guys ended things that you'd call him when you were ready he might not be aware of what your feelings are towards him. From that point of view, I'd see saying something about your feelings as planting a seed of thought in his mind that things aren't closed; do you think he knows it's not over for you? Whatever his immediate response would be, anyway, I wouldn't see it as the end if he said no; I'd see the point as getting him to think of you in an R way subconsciously, which would make it easier if he did say no. And if he reacs angrily, all the better- then you know you're REALLY affecting him and have a good chance. I wish my H would get angry with me sometimes!
