Hey, Tal, thanks for welcoming me to Piecing. Your H and my H sound so much alike it's scary! And you and I have similar reading interests...Gottman, Goleman, and the Dalai Lama.
Looking forward to getting to know you better and I love the title of your thread!
You're welcome Yashie. I'm glad that you are here. You really can learn a lot from people here. You can learn from some of our mistakes too (I've made many). It's also so nice to know that WHATEVER you are feeling about your sitch, you can talk about it here and know that MANY others will be able to relate to it.
I haven't had a lot to update--we're kind of in a holding pattern right now. Mostly good, nothing dramatic.
Well, don't laugh too hard at me Shiny, but I did have one of my old ASSumptions blown out of the water this weekend. After "thumbs us" so-to-speak, I felt brave enough to bring up somethings about that aspect of our R. Told him that I always had felt him very closed off to me a lot of the time during. In the past, I had always interpreted that sense of him being closed off into himself as: 1) extreme fear of real intimacy and/or 2) he was wishing/thinking of someone else
Ok, so I was brave enough to say all of that, and how I had interpreted it in very negative way making assumptions. He started laughing really hard and said that because that part of our R has always been very "intense" that he had to do multiplication tables in his head and only odd numbers to boot.
So--I start laughing really hard about the multiplication tables and how I had really done myself so much harm making assumptions all of these years!
It was sort of a strange weekend. It was nice, and H was very affectionate and relaxed. I even noticed how--when my thoughts start going back to bomb-related issues...even before I tell myself to "STOP thinking about that right now!"...H just then will think to hug me. Now I'm very good at hiding it when I am feeling the way I feel when I let my mind go off in that direction. I have often felt that I HAD to hide it, for the most part, in order to save my R. It's almost uncanny --far beyond coincidence--that H seems to know instinctively that I'm struggling. Maybe it's the spiritual connection, maybe it's just living with each other all these years.
Strangely, though...all weekend, H did not say ILY or express that he had missed me. He's usually very free about saying those things often, so it was conspicuous in that he didn't say those things at all while we were together.
I am starting to scare myself that he is feeling the preassure of having committed to moving back home at the end of the month and is having second thoughts. I'm afraid to bring it up to even ask!
Who knows, I could be making more of those damn ASSumptions again. I just don't know yet.
You know, while we're on a roll with "new thread" creations, how about...my worst ASSumptions??? I think this one would be #1!!!
I know what you mean about missing certain phrases when they are conspicuously (perhaps just to us? ) absent. A couple of nights in a row, CJ didn't say his usual ILY when we said good night. He usually says it first, then me.
It bothered me, made me wonder. But it didn't signify anything as the ILY's returned...but I THINK I might have said it first...
Does your H usually say these things first? I wonder if every now and again they want US to? Makes some sense, doesn't it?
Take care!!
Shiny
P.S. I think the connection you two share...timely hugs and such...speaks at least as loud as words...maybe more
Yeah, pretty bad ASSumption on my part, enit? I guess now I need to explain that "enit" is the Indian version of you Canadians saying "eh".
I know most of the responsibility is mine for making assumptions and thinking I'm his mind reader. That tendency of mine was being compounded with the way he was very uncommunitive about important matters---which put me in the habit of trying to always guess and read between the lines.
I don't know why I still freak myself out worrying, but I do. More mind reading on my part, I guess, but because H has described how he felt so much stress living with us (problems in our R and day-to-day of living with teenagers) and how much of his MLC centered around craving solitude...I guess I'm guessing that he must feel fear and pressure about coming home.
On the other hand, I'm noticing that every time he stays over, he's leaving a few more of his things behind. Also, we talked a bit more about the logistics of getting (legally) married. We want small, but with some traditional elements. H suggested that his oldest son be best man and my oldest give me away. I said I have a step-dad to give me away, and that scenario leaves the younger two boys out of the equasion so I think all 4 sons should be BEST MEN. That would be cool.
I also have been asking H to go get sized for a ring because that's something we have to think about way ahead. He's actually doing that today, no procrastination there so I don't know why I'm still worrying.
Maybe I'm the one having fear about him moving back in. I know that even though that's what I truly want, there will be some stress and anxiety in the change.
Quote: Maybe I'm the one having fear about him moving back in. I know that even though that's what I truly want, there will be some stress and anxiety in the change.
anticipaiting the stress can be enough to stress you out even more.
you've been around the bb long enough to know that a homecomming doesn't mean the end of the ride. having that knowledge can serve to help you accept that things wont be perfect and there will still be work to do.
breath in...breath out...take all things with a grain of salt and always slowly.
) absent. A couple of nights in a row, CJ didn't say his usual ILY when we said good night. He usually says it first, then me.