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And more contact on IM, which makes every day this week so far, sometimes twice per day, more than in a long time, even though according to H we talk less now and this is really good and makes him feel less pressured...I swear that he just makes things up as he goes along.

Again I have to just say here, I don't get it...

He tells me he is not going out over the weekend, will be at home doing lots of studying, what am I going to do. By the way before this S, he said he wanted to "lead separate lives and not ask each other what the other is doing."

According to his statements on the joint session we only talk about business these days. I have my new technique in place now. I answer him with one word statements unless I absolutely have no choice. H: "Well I am not going out this weekend", me :"cool".

The only thing I expounded on was what I was doing this weekend, said I don't have a lot of money, probably just going out for someone's 30th birthday to have a drink. I wanted to hammer home the reality that we don't have a lot of money since he is not living in reality.

H: "Well exercise is free at least."
Me: "true".

No talking for about 10 minutes, then he comes back with some joking around. I don't think I'll answer for awhile.

I am not taking the bait. If he feels like being married to me is like jail, I don't feel the need to carry on a conversation.

Doesn't mean that I don't hope he'll say something substantial and amazing in our conversation, but I am SO over making a big effort. I am going to leave my desk for awhile now.

Confused and perplexed...

ITH

Thanks BH,

I think our posts crossed paths. I am definitely trying to focus on me more. He just makes it so hard because when I am resolved to start being more distant, he reaches out!

I promise everyone on this board that when I get back to my own normalish life in Dublin I will focus less on H. I need my house and stability back!

ITH

(((ITH)))

It is a very confusing and perplexing time especially when they say one thing and do another. It's soo crazy. I actually think that it is good that you are kinda throwing back at him that you are being affected by the financial situation also. The WAS only seem to think about how everything affecting them and fail to see what it does to us.

Thanks S,

He lives in another reality, the one where my paycheck and problem solving skills exist without me, so let's see if he picks up on the issues :).

I was actually just thinking that, about my H, he has always said really hurtful things when in a sticky emotional situation. Back when I first knew him, after I broke up with my BF of 3 years, he was hoping we'd get together. Instead I hooked up with another guy from work at first. H was really mean when he first found out and pretended like he couldn't stand me, and I remember just before he told me that he thought he was in love with me he said "your sexuality disgusts me." Such a random yet mean thing to say. He has always had a bad temper, and remembering this makes me feel better about that joint session. I mean I still think he feels he needs to be alone, but I don't actually believe that he feels like being with me is jail. In fact in the same breath he said that I was now amazing, easy to be around, sweet, engaging, but the thought of me staying the night was horrifying. I am pretty sure the more that I think about it that he is lashing out.

I guess now that I think about it I've seen this before, just on a less dramatic scale. I need to stay the course and ignore his words and listen for the underlying messages...he is afraid that I will hurt him, and he is afraid that I will not give him the space he needs. He is afraid of losing control of the situation. He has reached out to me every day this past week, giving "assurances" that he is not going out, and always asking what I am doing. He cares what I do, and he cares that I know what he does. For the moment I will content myself with this, and wait a couple of weeks before stressing about the return to Dublin. I suddenly feel like there IS real progress going on. With my H, anger means real emotion. This is much better than him being the robot he was a month ago...

ITH

Woo Hoo!! I actually love the breakthrough that you just had ITH!! With this breakthrough you are realizing that his actions have NOTHING to do with YOU!!! And it has also helped you to see the progress that you have made.

I believe that once we actually get to this point we can finally start to do what we can to fix the M. Before that I know I personally was too overwhelmed with trying to figure out why H was acting like this, driving myself crazy about what I should have done differently, what was wrong with me and even though I am aware of ways to improve myself, I know all of his action are not MY fault.

It also helps with relieving the anger of the situation.

Thanks Sep,

I am not sure that I am completely detached as I still have a lot of anxiety over the next few weeks, and what will happen. However, I do feel like I have a better understanding of H's "patterns". Honestly in his case it is like "believe the opposite of what he says", and "suggest something and he will do the opposite." Seriously, I suggested stopping the sessions and he wanted to increase the frequency. I offered him my budget to go on a guy's trip that he'd mentioned and he said he'd changed his mind and had no interest in traveling. He said we had less contact, and he started contacting me more. He said he had no more anger toward me and he lashed out for 50 minutes.

Jody has suggested me saying that I understand where he is coming from in terms of not wanting to feel married, and that is has given me a lot to think about. If I can get up the courage I may even say that I am not sure I really want to work on the marriage anymore since I completely get where he is coming from. This is very risky though, as there's no guarantee that he will flip and say he wants to work on it. Still mulling this over...

Hope you're doing well today!

ITH

Hey ITH

He sounds annoying. Just like all our WAH. I think you are doing really well though in dealing with it and it really does seem to help you that he tends to stick to patterns with his communication. When are the next phone sessions schedualed for? Did Jody give you any specific project to work on until then or just more of the same?

istherehope,

good advice I was give a long time ago. "do not play games"...

they will not work, trust that

Hi,

Daisy--I haven't scheduled another joint phone session, and I'm not going to unless H specifically asks again. Jody suggested that they are not necessarily helpful for me, as I am likely to bear the brunt of his rage. She thinks they might serve the purpose of diffusing his anger and ensuring he is heard, but we both agreed that unless he actively pushes for the sessions, I will just let the idea die...In terms of specific projects, unfortunately it's more of the same, stay dark, and IF given the opportunity tell him that he gave me a lot to think about.

T, you're right about not playing games. I do need to make sure that whatever I say is authentic. Therefore, "you've given me a lot to think about" is actually probably fine as he really has given me a lot to think about. However saying I'm not working on the marriage isn't true...Thanks for highlighting this. I'm sure WASs can sense inauthenticity.

Thanks!

ITH

Hi,

Just journaling...

This weekend was the 1st weekend with no contact from H. I wasn't as sad as I thought I would be though. I saw him get online a few times, and this made me feel content, just knowing he was OK.

This morning he reached out to ask about my weekend. I have been very short in my responses. H: How was your weekend M: Fine thanks, yours? H:Too much studying M: That's why you are such a good student (my one chance to praise) H: U R silly (something he always used to say to me).

Anyway I am just going to end the conversation there. There are a lot more things I would like to add in, but he can choose to talk to me or not at this point. As Jody said he does need to realize that I am a variable in this equation, an X not a constant :). He SHOULD think that the things he said about marriage being like jail have caused me to think. Maybe he has no clue as he does not seem to be living in reality but I suspect that he feels pretty guilty. Looking forward to seeing what other gems might come from him today (yes that's sarcasm).

Still trying not to panic about the next few weeks, but I have some BIG decisions to make. I am waiting for a flash of inspiration in the meantime in terms of what I should do next. I think by the end of this week I will have a clearer idea about what my next steps will be. I am definitely NOT giving up, am only thinking about Dublin and how I will approach this. As he is not living in reality, I really do not want to have a big conversation with him about me moving back. However I am not willing to give up the house again. I REALLY need to try and find a way for HIM to realize that the best way forward is to be under the same roof. He needs to retain complete control over everything, so it has to come from him. So far finances are the only thing that I can see having this impact on him, but he needs to realize this, not me. I am SO unsure about how to get him thinking here. The bottom line is that my stock money cannot pay for his tuition if it is going toward another apartment, but I need this to be conveyed without being manipulative or sounding vengeful.

One thing I thought of was sending him the budget and just pointing out how short we are, and asking for suggestions on the best thing to do with the stock money, making it his concern instead of mine. Something like--"I'd love your input on what you think we should do with this incoming money. What do you think the priorities should be?" That way HE can make some decisions and if there isn't enough left over for another apartment, this was his choice. What do you think?

Feeling really uninspired about anything else I can do here except for continue to wait around, and I am getting pretty tired of this.

ITH