Just checking in and doing a little journaling. Not much going on this week. I'm getting lots of work done at work and around the house, just routine stuff.
The meds are helping to quell some of the overwhelming anxiety I had been feeling before. I haven't felt the need to take the Xanax much.
I had to drop something off to H at his work, and he made a real point of being quite openly affectionate toward me while I was there. I had thought he did it just because he knows I'm still very upset about the whole issue of him still working where XOW works. I just now realized that he wouldn't have been so openly affectionate toward me at his work if there were even a shred of a relationship still ongoing between he and OW. That's something to pull out and remind myself when I start going into a mental tailspin wondering if I am still being betrayed. Those tailspins are coming less and less often these days.
This is one of H's weekends off and we have some plans. It is still difficult to deal with him only staying over those two weekends a month. I miss him very much, even though we do talk on the phone several times a day and when schedules allow, he comes over to have coffee with me in the morning while I'm getting ready for work.
I do know that this seperation does have an end-date now, and that has done far more for my peace of mind than even the meds .
Right now, I am trying to notice all of the little things that H does and express appreciation.
I'm also looking very closely at my negative assumptions. I'm not as organized as Sage, to be able to list them out, but I recognize them when they come up! I am also going to try something new. Instead of getting frustrated by my H's negative assumptions, I'm going to be more verbal about mine and how I am questioning their validity and reframing those negative assumptions into something positive.
If he gets something out of seeing how I am doing that work, and chooses to work on his own stuff, fine. If not--that's his choice and not something I'm telling or teaching him to do.
Tommorow we're going to a big oyster bake, bluegrass music thing on the beach. Should be fun.
We are both feeling so much better now, not having to worry about whether or not sex can occur. Thanks to whoever invented those little blue pills (although, we're finding that at least one herbal equivelant works well and is much less expensive). The whole issue was such a strain on our relationship before, expecially as H wouldn't discuss it and wouldn't seek help for it.....and me thinking it was partially caused by him being bored with me and not attracted to me anymore. Having that whole issue resolved has been like the ice breaking up in a frozen river and now the rest is starting to thaw.
"and me thinking it was partially caused by him being bored with me and not attracted to me anymore. Having that whole issue resolved has been like the ice breaking up in a frozen river and now the rest is starting to thaw. "
Just about anything that has Yohimbe as the main ingredient (go check out the stuff in an adult-oriented store). You might be able to find something on line...look for Stamina RX or something like that.
Yohimbe is the bark from some tree in Africa. Go figure. It works a lot like Viagra, but last for 2-3 days.
Taltsa: Only to say you i think you are doing so well... by your postsa i can feel you so controll and sure about what you are doing... And yes, our men are so insecure... my h even that he apparently loooks so sure about himself, is so insecure... i know his self steem is less up than mine... so... yes, telling them how we admire them, by tiny or short phrases, can tell them how satisfied we are with their work and efforts to satisfy us...!!... Excusde my english, i am spanish... and stay cool, you are doing great...!! Andrea
I just haven't had a lot to say lately, so haven't been posting much.
Recently, H has been communicating a great deal about himself and his emotional makeup...how he thinks and feels. I've been trying to absorb and think about what he's been telling me.
In a nutshell: H puts on a great front about being calm, good natured & unflappable. I had no idea just how angry, irritable & insecure the man really is. What he describes feeling like on an everyday basis is what I feel like when I'm having a bad case of PMS.
Luckily, through what he's learning in therapy and MC, he is totally owning his own dysfunction instead of blaming me for his feelings of anger, annoyance, insecurity. He's doing a lot of work on shifting his perspective in the way that he sees the world and other people.
His therapist tells him that his job is to find the joy in his interactions with other people instead of focusing on what annoys him. Coincidently, I have been listening to the audio book version of "The Art of Happiness" about the Dalai Lama, and the book is directly on point to the work H is doing. I'm going to give him my CD's of the book when I am done as it is at the top of the reading list his therapist gave him.
I have my own work to do in this area...and that is what I'm concentrating on. Part of my shift in perspective right now is:
I don't have to take responsibility for my H's unhappiness. I had been owning too much of it and feeling like I had been a failure or H would not have had an A or initiated a separation.
I have to be immensly grateful that H is choosing to work on himself and make huge changes in how he relates to the world...choosing to be happy!
I know that he is primarily doing this work for himself, but he doesn't have to. He could choose to leave me and his family to become a grumpy old recluse. He is choosing to change instead, because he loves me dearly and loves his family.
Keeping up my PMA is a gift to myself, but also a good example for H. Recently he told me that my ability to stay positive and not sweat the small stuff is something that he admires a lot about me and part of why he was initially drawn to me.
Anyway, I'll be checking in and checking in on all of you here, but I'm going to focus on JJ's 7-step excersizes for awhile.
Thanks for reading my ramblings and thanks for caring!
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