I agree with what you're saying. Just a bad/stressful/crazy day on many levels and sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and say "uncle"
I don't know what to do now. I really have little to no desire to speak to him. I am tired of chasing and pursuing him and I know I am not supposed to do it but it was working for me for a little while. If I initiated getting together he would go along with it. So I viewed that as sucessful but now I want to be chased. I want to feel like I am worth the effort and energy.
Until there are some serious changes I do not see this marriage working.
The counselor said we should still see each other and still work on things and get into individual counseling as soon as possible, like the next week or two max. I will have to call around tomorrow and see what I can do to get things on my end moving. However, hubby is going to have to set his up on his own.
I'm really sorry that things didn't turn out the way you wanted yesterday.
What I can say is that it sounds like you are strong, and have a good sense of what you are looking for. You are saying you need to see serious changes in the marriage in order for it to work out. Good, this makes you less of a victim and more of an equal within the relationship. You are NOT just along for the ride, but you have goals of your own beyond simply your H coming back to you.
You've also mentioned that you want to be chased and pursued. So now is the time for you to put yourself in that position. You are strong, so follow up on this and don't contact him at all. When he contacts you, not if but when, remain a bit detached and let him ask you for more.
All I can say is at the beginning it also seemed like it was working when I pursued my H. He went along with things, including future talk etc. However I know now that these things weren't coming from his heart. He was going along with what I was saying/doing out of obligation, habit etc. While my H is maybe MLC and yours is anything but, I'd say there are some similarities. I think because of age older/younger, they do NOT want to be bullied into doing what we want them to do. I don't mean to say that you are bullying your H, but he is likely to see it this way. Make him curious about you Daisy. Since you are resolute on what you want in this marriage, the worst that can happen is that he doesn't pursue, and then you know this might not be what you are looking for. I can almost guarantee that he will pursue though, and I am sure that if you are feeling more confident and resolute, he will feel this and sense this from you, even with minimal contact.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I'm so sorry that you had such a drama filled evening. I think you have the right idea on how to get back to where you want with the going dark for now. Give him his space right now he most likely needs it. Work on yourself for the time being. Hang in there you will be fine.
I feel yucky right now. I feel nauseas and tired. I have to go to work but I would so much rather stay in bed with the covers over my head and pretend that yesterday never even happened.
After my session I called my best friend and was crying on the phone so she had me come over to her house and we went out to dinner which was nice. She is a great friend who will listen to my rants and she probably knows my husband and I the best because she has been there through the whole thing. So said I should ignore him for awhile. Basically the same idea as going dark. One word answers and don't take every phone call. LRT all over again I guess.
I talked it over with my mom too. The general consensus is that until he grows up and comes to terms with the fact that he needs to make a lot of changes in the way he deals with life in general there is not much hope for us to have a sucessful marriage. I get the feeling that our counselor was saying the same thing. He said he feels like he is trying to pull two opposite magnetic poles together but there is too much resistance.
I know I need to make changes too. I need to learn to keep my cool and not let his moods affect me so much. But the bigger issue here is how he treats me when he is upset with me. He is so rude and disrespectful and that is what really makes me lose it, not his moods. I could go into detail but I don't have time. Bottom line is that when he doesn't want me to be around him or when he doesn't want to talk he lashes out in anger and is highly disrespectful until I get madder and madder to the point where I walk away. All it does is cause a lot of damage, like yesterday, and makes the initial issue seems gigantic and impossible to overcome. He needs to learn to deal with things in an appropriate way and not like a small child.
Well I should get going. Thanks for your posts guys. I need them more than ever now.
That's what we are all here for Daisy. I think all of us need this place in order to make our lives a little saner. Go to work try not to even think about what happened yesterday. Do your best at GAL. You can't change him or make him want to change you can only implement postive changes in your own life.
Well I went to work and it was okay. Just distracted by this drama all day and waaay tired. Too much stress! DAM has not tried to contact me as far as I can tell. No texts and no phone calls. I'm trying to pretend that it doesn't bother me and that I am still furious and don't care but right now I wish we were okay again so that he could be here to hold me. How pathetic!!! Argh!
Detach. . .detach. . .detach.
I am still really confused about everything that went down yesterday. It's almost like a blur at this point. A hurricane!
I really don't even know what I want anymore. How do I figure that out? For good?
Don't even worry about what you want right now in terms of the R as being on this rollercoaster it will change each day. Just focus on becoming the best you can be and once you are in the place where you are completly comfortble in yourself and you have worked out all your "kinks" then you can decide what you want.
Hang in there sweetie your sitch still had ALOT of potential for a great DB!!!!
