The more you try to pull him in the more he is going to push you away. If he hears you talking "nicer" to him it relieves his guilt makes him think you are accepting this and will go away easily.
He needs a true taste of what life will be like without you! What is the schedule for the kids? Are they going to stay with him? This needs to be treated like it would be if you were divorced - show him how that will be.
You need to figure out what attracted him to you from the beginning - STOP Pursuing! It will just push him away, trust me I did it all wrong at first too...
Take baby steps - give yourself and hour of not thinking of him or the sitch and keep increasing this time each day. Focus on your job or the kids...I know it's hard but you will drive yourself crazy trying to anlayze too much. Read other's stories learn from them- it is SO common out here that the more YOU pull away from him the sooner he may come looking for you - this needs to be on your terms. You don't have control right now - you are letting him call the shots in your life and this is so hard to live with. Take back the control! Detach!
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
I think its hard to compare to what attracted him to me...that was 19 years ago. I was 19 years old..with no responsibilities. We were kids....
Now we have jobs, bills, kids, yard work.. etc
With OW he has no responsibilities...
She pays her bills,cleans her house, does her yard work and takes care of her own child...
He has the easy life...
My only hope is he will miss the life WE created.... I just dont see that happening. At some point he is going to make a decision and stick to it..quit waffling back and forth.
I just hope that this isnt that moment....
But, I am off today and will try not to dwell. Need to get some house cleaning done and kids have counseling and soccer tonight.
Trust me when I hear you all saying detach...i know it makes sense....
My heart is just struggling and I cant get control... I am overly emotional.
Its hard to accept that everything you have done and work towards for 19 years is crashing down and gone.
Hey sweetie, alot of great advice for you on here!! Do not make eye contact with her at work, that will backfire on you, i know from personal experience, and it wasnt me doing it, yet she turned it right around to my H like I was. If you know she is lookiing at you, make sure you dont look sad and depressed, its hard, but try it. make her wonder what you are up too!
If you can detatch and do what pup recommends, that is gonna make him wonder what you are up too also, therefore forcing him to think about you!!
be emotional with us instead! hugs!
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
My only hope is he will miss the life WE created.... I just dont see that happening. At some point he is going to make a decision and stick to it..quit waffling back and forth.
Sandy, I just don't see that AT ALL. NOTHING about his past waffling behavior indicates to me that he will do anything BUT continue to waver back and forth, to the degree that each woman allows him to.
You've got something going for you here, and that is that you've been thru this three times with him before. I'm not trying to be a smartass, but you have a TON of real-life data at your disposal to use, even if most of it "what DOESN'T work," kwim?
Look back on those times that you drew him back in, and at what you might have done wrong that enabled him to stray again. (by "wrong," I do NOT mean morally -- this is HIS problem, not yours ... I just mean what might you do differently in terms of holding him accountable, backing off, not going "melty-woman" or "needy/grabby" or "pursuing" on him, etc.).
Does that make sense?
Did you post here, or keep a journal the other times he was unfaithful?
Wow...I typed a post and it dissappeared....bizzare...
Anyway..the first time he truely came home other than one night here and there (after initial month..weekly date nights)was June 15 Fathers day..he stayed until July 7
Affair was revealed July 21 He came home August 10 until the 20th
I took kids to his family in Chicago August 27- Sept 1 he texted and flirted entire week after I came home
Daughter 14 bday Sept 6 Told him he needed stuff out Sept 5..acted surprised Home Sept 6-14
Back to work for me Sept 15..dealing with this...
I feel that every time he has come home the only common denominator is my emotional strength.... I have started to feel better..less crying.. then he leaves again after I have been emotionally reinvested and I am back to square 1... so what do you think it means...his pattern?
You've got something going for you here, and that is that you've been thru this three times with him before. I'm not trying to be a smartass, but you have a TON of real-life data at your disposal to use, even if most of it "what DOESN'T work," kwim?
You've got something going for you here, and that is that you've been thru this three times with him before. I'm not trying to be a smartass, but you have a TON of real-life data at your disposal to use, even if most of it "what DOESN'T work," kwim?
Not following you here...
I mean, some of us fly by the seat of our pants, and others come on message boards like these, and try to learn from OTHER people's sitches (and there are definitely patterns to affairs). But you get to actually look back at your OWN patterns, and see what's worked, and what didn't, and try to learn from it.
I honestly dont know if they were fighting..not that I am aware of....
The first time he came home I was not aware of the affair.
The second time he came home..I was adjusting well.. I was not at work so when he came home to see the kids on the weekends..I felt spending time together as a family was a positive.. we played games and had fun..
I was always done up to look good..sporting a tan and doing my hair and makeup.
This last time..he paid attention to me all week via texting and we had to spend my daughters birthday together..by choice...HIS..he invited me to go to lunch as a family.
I do know after the fact due to my daughter 10 reading his messages from OW that they were fighting..I think over him being around me.. but mostly just bitchy texts..she called him an ass... how can you do this..because he must have expressed confusion to her.....
When he came home.... I asked that he not speak to OW... he said he wouldnt but..when he is at work i wouldnt know... they also had a untrackable phone together....
As for myself... During this entire ordeal..I have never majorly flipped out..screamed yelled or blamed...only sent some emotional texts that might have been over the top..but for the most part have remained very calm and forgiving.
I have looked into myself to where I was not putting enough effort into our intimate relationship and we have come full circle ... have had the best most intense sex life ever.
I have continued to let him know that I dont think anything we have is irrepairable..I love him and want us to get back to where we once were.
He maintains that he loves me and will always love me..but something is lost..... and he knows it will never be found
I have continued to let him know that I dont think anything we have is irrepairable.. but you need to end your affair, and never go back to her or contact her ever again ...I love him and want us to get back to where we once were but you need to end your affair, and never go back to her or contact her ever again .
