"The letter he refers to is actually "The Offer" he gave me (& took back & gave me) a while back"
The big question becomes.. Why is he looking for control? See. you even wrote about it.. give it.. take it back.. give it again. The key.. lies.. somewhere between.. him giving.. then taking it back. Gotta expect.. it did not have the effect he was looking for.
"I guess he wants to hear some feedback before he files, b/c as he says, he doesn't like surprises."
So... he wants you to communicate.. under pressure? Me being the King of DAM and all.. I would say that you usually communicated the most clearly.. when you were under pressure. The Advanced DAM in me.. says he wants you to talk..
If you are ok with everything in the "papers".. Roll with it. If you are not.. tell him.
"Yes, I got that with the question of how long I wanted this limbo state to go on...as if it was me keeping it there."
KODAM.. You can't see my "effort". I am Trying... what do you want me to do???
What is keeping you "here" is a joint effort.. more of the same.
"What choices do you see?"
The same I always see. Make a choice. Understand why.. you made that choice. And move on. We tend to spend a lot of time making choices. We sit on the fence. The thing about life is.. even if your choices suck.. somehow.. they seem to work out.
What do you want.. for you?
Don't listen to me.. listen to that "voice".
Listen to me.. don't let "Emotion".. drive that voice!
"When I crested the hill on the way home today, I was hit with a sudden "You have mail" feeling, even as I had been thinking/feeling that he was missing me & moving away from OW."
Read that again!!
Which part.. was "No Emotion"?
"Keep in mind that when you compare your affair partner with your spouse, you are not really comparing two individuals."
You let "Emotion" drive
"What you are comparing is how it feels to be in an idealized, romantic relationship with how it feels to be in a reality-based, long-term relationship."
Long story short.. She will resemble you.. one day.
Where will he be then? What is he really fighting?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
On another thread I was following, an event occurred in which the LBS was bracing for the big blow & it never came.
It's been over a week since the "let's move this forward" e-mail & there's been no movement out of the M.
~"The big question becomes.. Why is he looking for control? See. you even wrote about it.. give it.. take it back.. give it again. The key.. lies.. somewhere between.. him giving.. then taking it back. Gotta expect.. it did not have the effect he was looking for."
It seems that my initial step way back from the dance threw H into a panic for any control he could regain & he pulled out the ole faithful's of;
-filing -keeping S5 more often -moving into more permanent housing (almost next door for good measure)
This has worked in the past, not doing the trick anymore now though. I still stand by only talk regarding the kids or important housing/family logistics.
`"So... he wants you to communicate.. under pressure? Me being the King of DAM and all.. I would say that you usually communicated the most clearly.. when you were under pressure. The Advanced DAM in me.. says he wants you to talk.."
I think your insight into the DAM world is accurate Cory.....he was going to get me to talk to him one way or another.
~"Make a choice. Understand why.. you made that choice. And move on."
Exactly. My choice is made....I feel really strong about it. I'm honoring my commitment & doing what looks to be necessary to allow him to see the value in honoring his.
I don't know if it was me putting Retrouvaille out there before I came back to "no unneccessary contact" or not, it does seem that he relaxed a bit & isn't trying to dynamite me out of my position.
There have been a lot of strange things though.
When I left the house at the same time he did to take S5 to dinner, he asked how late I'd be out. I told him not late, I'll make it an early night.
I get a call from him @ 8pm...no message & no answer when I return the call. I'm driving by my former husband's home & see his car there & him inside talking to his wife. He comes out w/S5 & says "Oh, there you are. My battery went dead on my phone. I knew you were going to be out late & wanted to know how late." Comes back to the house & spends another hour w/S.
Next day takes S5 to a concert & calls me to tell me it's packed & he's going to park in the red.
Uh, Okay ;-)
Guess he just likes to keep me informed.
~"Long story short.. She will resemble you.. one day."
1. Since I decided to file, I have not said one thing about it to my W. Just doesn't seem necessary. I think when/if your H decides to file, he will do the same...once a decision is made, talk just seems superfluous.
2. He does NOT want to be the bad guy. This seems to be the driver behind a lot of his actions. Unfortunately, he is now in a position where he has to be the bad guy to somebody...either break up his M or break the heart of OW.
3. Control - I don't get this either. It is obviously rooted in insecurities or fears of one sort or another. Not something I can really relate to at all. But it seems really common, the whole macho thing...whatever!
You are doing amazingly well!
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Well, kids are now in school & curriculum night for S5 & S16 was last night at different schools, so a little tricky.
Nothing has really changed since the e-mail from H expressing the need to "move forward."
No filing, no moving to a more permanent address or reference to a desire to end our M.
I've held to the "no contact, except regarding kids" & turned down a couple of invitations to join H for dinner w/kids. Not difficult when I have little desire to continue our crowded threeway R of the last year & 4 months. In fact, I do see how it happens that you can change from a LBS to a WAS as it wears on.
We have attended all the orientation & school events for S5 together & it's been fine. No R talk, no initiating conversation of topic's that aren't kid related. He on the other hand, has much he'd like to share w/me, calls often with questions that he could answer himself & spends a lot more time w/S5.
I have a birthday coming up very soon & H asked me last week if I would want to "catch a bite to eat" that night with him & S5.
My first thought is that he phrases it that way for a few reasons; -incase I already had plans w/someone else.
-so it wouldn't look as bad if OW should find out.
-so it wouldn't appear that it means more than he wants it to & he remains in control.
Anyway, I told him yesterday I wouldn't be going out w/him that night to "catch a bite."
He seemed to be bothered & started naming restaurants that I like (including the one he took me to last year for my BD) & saying he hoped I'd reconsider. I didn't give him a direct answer & said I'd think about it.
To go or not to go?
Going, even if I want to, would seem to cancel out all the kid's only contact & maybe send a message that he doesn't really have to change anything, like continuing w/OW (if he still is, which until I have concrete proof it's over, it's not.)
You're right in there w/ #3 SD, a lot of control issues,which seems to be very common, doesn't it!
Been having a bit of a catch up and see that you have been doing well at enforcing your boundaries. Any more from H on the Retrouville weekend idea ?
You are doing well , enforcing the notion that he cant have OW and still be involved in your life. He is not liking this , but it is reality and I suspect there will be more attempts to get you back where he is comfortable so stay strong.
