I really and truly am thankful she was kind enough to pick me up after all. I am just not comfortable with having someone who has made me out to be her worst enemy, at times, as the person I had to rely upon. Yes, she's moved on -- and I have to address that vacuum in my life. I realize that, as it should be in a marriage, we covered for each other in so many subtle ways, on so many levels. She has him now. And I my flanks are very much exposed.
I once thought it didn't matter where in the world we were -- West Coast, East Coast, wherever, near family or far -- as long as we had each other. We were enough family for each other for most things. Now that is gone, and I am just continuing to ponder what to do about that, if anything can be done.
Originally Posted By: Gypsy
Also.. in regards to your children, "...unfortunately they're too young for me to rely on them for help." Drop that thought like a burning hot coal in your hand. You are the father, you are the parent. They are the children. YOU are their support system, never the other way around.
I do understand. What I meant was that, given the context of my preceding thoughts, my two sons are the closest family to me now, both emotionally and in proximity. But they are my children and I cannot lean on them as my family -- it is, as you state, strictly the other way around. This just underscores how isolated I feel from adult family.
Perhaps it is because it has been well more than a year since I've seen anyone in my extended family that I am feeling so lonely for that kinship most particularly. And given that my employer has shot down any of my requests to schedule vacation until at least after October, if ever, (due to this @#$%^@ project we're on) I feel a bit more depressed about that than normal.
I have felt very vulnerable and out-of-sorts this week. I'm still working through this, quite obviously.
I don't know if my words were kind but the thoughts were well meant. If you can't go to your family, how about some of your family visiting you? That's always a good thing. Have you asked any, told them you needed them?
Asking for help is something I STINK at.. but am learning to do a little better.
What about taking a weekend away when she has the kids. It doesn't have to be extravagant just away from where you are. Get outta the rut!
Seee... I should be taking my own advice but I am much too adept at making excuses. So I come here, holler at you.. and inside go... "Oopsie this is about me!"
I know it's hard to find friends and build strong connections, but still try and get out there and meet people. Are you attending Divorce Care or any groups? What about going to Church? Even if you aren't tremendously religious, it's a great place to meet people (sometimes people you really can get close with) and work on building a little more spirituality. I find it's also a nice mental lift.
Make developing more friends, and also closer ones, a goal.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I hope your ok. I agree with gypsy you have to get out and do something fun alone. Even if its going to the local book store,you need to get your mind occupied.
Im sorry your feeling down. Read my post to you on my stitch and it will make you laugh
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Gypsy, this is something I'm going to just have to come to grips with. I realize there's nothing I can do about family being so far away right now, so I need to focus on what I can do. Although I'm struggling to figure that out.
Root, I have a cadre of friends from DivorceCare and other subsequent support groups. Some of us are trying to start another group -- I went to that Friday night.
Tal, thanks for the laugh and cheering me up. It truly warms my heart to see you making the effort to work on your M and realizing some "fruits" of your labor. (I seem to be full of euphemisms today.) As far as occupying my mind, I have been attempting to get back into writing. I stopped off at the library for research this evening, as a matter of fact, right after S7's Cub Scouts' meeting.
Yoyo, as you may have gathered, I have gotten S7 involved in Cub Scouts. Tonight was our second meeting since joining.
As for my condition, I seem to be doing as normal. I was prescribed Nexium for controlling any stomach irritation.
I thought I'd mention that Friday night, following the support group meeting most of us went to a local taphouse/bar. Since I had only just the day before had my medical procedure performed on me, I was still abiding by the no-alcohol advice of my doctor. So I became the designated driver.
Unfortunately, I caught a glimpse into the heart and minds of my friends as they began to ply their drinks, a glimpse of their humanity and vulnerabilities. Some of them displayed some that were a bit heart-breaking for me. One of my friends expressed some all-to candid admissions of weaknesses, including very recent indiscriminate behavior. I have been praying for them regularly since, because they too are still struggling internally against insecurities and doubts despite their calm God-fearing put-together appearance before this.
Perhaps it is all merely a facade they put up to hide their weaknesses as they struggle to find their way and listen to the Holy Spirit.
I know that some of my friends are needing their own help and guidance, and I think God has shown me this so I can help them.
(Sorry, Donna, I was practically falling asleep when I submitted the last post.)
DivorceCare (DC) is usually just a 13-week program and that's it. The church I attended DC was a bit different as they keep DC rolling year-round, such that if you started in the middle o the 13-week program you could pick up the other sessions after Week 13 when it rebegan with Week 1 again. Thus I went through the program twice.
But even given that, our particular group was different. I started when the attendance was very low and watched it build up. We just developed a tight-knit group, contacting each other by phone and email, met at restaurants, had dinner parties at each other's residences, etc. And we even had get-togethers with our children, like going to the museum one time.
When we completed DC, we started another support group as a follow-on. We chose Kay Arthur's book "Lord, Heal My Hurts" and made it into a Bible study. We just concluded that last week and have been trying to come up with the next step.
Seeing how even some of who I would have considered the strongest among us spiritually are still struggling even after all we were supposed to have learned, has been a bit sad and disheartening. Even my dear friend "M", who led our second study/support group has expressed a lot of difficulty with insecurities and doubts and lingering pain from the rejection from her now XH. It has led to some poor decisions she has made even very recently.
I fear that now most of our group is struggling with the difficulties in life and our once tight-knit group is unraveling. So many of us are no longer either willing or able to participate. And I haven't seen some of them in more than a month. "L", for example, has not ever made any of our gatherings or events in close to two months now. We talk to her by email and phone, but she never can quite make any of the face-to-face meetings anymore. It all seemed to happen right when her XH remarried his first W. I worry greatly for her.
Others in our group have also strayed away. And it breaks my heart to see all of us still in pain and struggling -- despite all that we should have learned, despite the love and grace of God.
I know life moves on. And I should know that some friendships are only temporary acquaintances, like different busboys in a restaurant. It doesn't make it any easier.
I guess that's why the medical ordeal I've gone through of late has been pressing on me the desire for the permanence of family.
I was thinking to myself how she would rather sit outside on the curb than in a comfortable chair indoors to wait if that means being in my presence. She can't stand me that much. But then she was obviously playing the love-sick adolescent girl talking to her "boyfriend" on her cell-phone again.
Hi NC....
I've only had time lately for hit and runs so I'm just now getting caught up on your thread.
This quote jumped out at me. You're so right about the "adolescent" thing. I too hardly recognized my once responsible and loving husband. When I think back now to the way he acted (and still acts) it amazes me. You have to remember that she is a very damaged person and this is not damage that you could have done to her. They say that these spouses go back to where their emotional growth stopped. With mine it was easy to trace. Since he has Mother problem, and was never allowed to have the freedom that most adoescents demand, he landed smack dab in the mid-teens. What was interesting was that at the time I had a 17 year old son who was outgoing and popular, all of the things his Dad had never been. Slowly there became an obvious "sibling rivalry". I say this now looking back, but at the time I was messed up and confused by the whole thing. I write this because we seem to take on the idea that it's us that our spouses "can't stand". They do act that way so we buy it, but really it's way bigger than us, we just happen to be the ones who right now stand in their way. Don't be so hard on yourself. This would have happened no matter who she was with.
You have done so much right. The love that you show your boys is amazing, and in the future this is where your greatest satisfaction & payoff will be. Our kids need us more now than they ever had, but we also need them, and that's what gets us through this.
I'm happy to hear that you had such a great Divorce Care group. I did as well and they have also become a very important part of my healing as well as my social life. We definitely do form bonds with them!
Take care of yourself. I hope healthwise your feeling better. I know that my emotional health played a big part on the physical and that just plain sucked!
I write this because we seem to take on the idea that it's us that our spouses "can't stand". They do act that way so we buy it, but really it's way bigger than us, we just happen to be the ones who right now stand in their way. Don't be so hard on yourself. This would have happened no matter who she was with.
THAT jumped out at me: this is way bigger than us.
Wow. Reminds me of someone telling me, hey, you don't have THAT much power. You can't be the thing that "made" the WAS lie, cheat, act like a bastard, etc. No one had the power to do that, than himself; they are his reactions, and they are reactions to the sitch and something inside of them that they can't look at.
NC, hope that you can connect with at least one guy-friend from the DC group. Sometimes one really strong friend is better than a room full of acquaintances.
Read my post to you on my stitch and it will make you laugh 