I know that my threads go all over the place...it is when I am at the darkest, weakest moments that I want to hit the rewind button (hint - there ISN'T ANY!!!)
Gratefully, those dark times don't last anywhere near as long, and they are farther and fewer between. Now that I have the sadistic co-dependence thing clear in my head, I also feel stronger, able to protect and defend myself from getting sucked back into that place. It is a very sad thought that I have to protect myself from the person who I was most intimate and vulnerable with, but that is the reality of today.
IC reminded me last night to find something special, just for me. That there were so many concessions made over the years, that this is the time that I can find myself again. Suggested the dancing, maybe taking a class just for kicks....we'll see. I'm still adjusting to the routines at home, being back to school. Being able to sit and read or veg in front of the tv for an hour or two on that rare occasion.
I just got up. It is 11am. I guess I needed to catch up. Now, to find my house again (I think my kids are Thing 1 and Thing 2 sometimes; now, where is that machine that the Cat had?)
I got to talk with my bff down the street last night for a few hours. All is good. Seems that x called her after the last melt-down that we had, and part of that convo was him apologizing for making up stories about how she hated me, etc.
Are we surprised? I am of two minds on that. It did confirm to me that he will say anything to hurt me, so I really can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Another sad realization. Talking about it, I said that I feel sorry for him, because he doesn't want to be seen as this person who he has become, doesn't want to be a liar, but is. He wants everyone to just "go back to normal" and accept all that as happened and pretend that it is all ok, when it isn't. And it never can be. I did some more processing over the week, and I decided that I don't want to be friends with this person. Friends don't treat each other like this. Friends don't lash out to hurt, then blame the person they hurt for "making them" act that way. He is just so messed up right now, and unfortunately, I see it getting worse instead of better. I want no part of it.
Bff and I are back to where we need to be, so that is good. It was a year ago Sunday that she lost her mom, so we got to focus on her a bit, too. Talked about our kids, our jobs, our lives...
I feel really ok. I can't explain it....just free, and back to normal, back to myself. I wrote that last contact that I had with the dating service and told him that I am getting used to my life and probably have more baggage than I let on. The profile is down. I just don't want to complicate things more than they are. My schedule is pretty tight, and I'm not in the mood for making concessions to another person right now. It was nice to sleep until 11am this morning
