Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? 5 weeks remain til next chapter starts

Thanks S! That is exactly my hope too...Of course he MIGHT end up freaking out and staying with a friend, but I think I have decided that this time if someone needs to leave, it will be him. At first this scared me to death, but I've realized that it's harder to be the one leaving as you give up all of your comforts. He would be giving up the dogs too. I need some stability, even if the uncertainty of not knowing when he was coming back would break my heart.

Anyway fingers crossed that things just go so well between now and then that this gives him a way to "save face" and have me move back in without ever actually agreeing to it. Of course I will get a real game plan from Jody as the day gets closer...

Funny thing looking at some old MLC posts, there was one former MLC poster, i.e. a man who'd been through one himself, who said that at first he didn't trust his W, and that she had changed. He kept trying to push her, to see if she would get into fights, to see whether her changes were real. He was almost angered by the fact that she was so calm and supportive when this wasn't how she'd been before. At times this made him go dark on her as he didn't know how to deal with it. I sort of feel like this with my H now. I have been extra-supportive over the last 2 weeks, no backslides, validating scary things etc. Contact has been less than ever (with the exception of the day in Dublin), and much of it has been antagonistic. Funny thing is we never fought about finances before EVER, and this is now where he chooses to vent at me. I think I have handled myself well, and am even smiling a little bit now. In a way their venom gives us the chance to show 180s. I think he is very confused by me, but hey he's confused by life right now!

Thanks for the post!

ITH

ITH,

I have to confess, that in my hurried state I have not read every word since yesterday. That being said, here's my take on what I did see.

Don't hope he's reading the self-help books for the relationship. That way lies failure. That way, he, and you by default, are placing the relationship on his shoulders.

Instead, hope that he's reading them for HIMSELF. Just as you're improving yourself. Because, as the best of each other, you will bring out the best in each other, and have the best chance of a relationship that works.

My $.02.

Thanks BH,

Who could read all of my posts? I know there are usually at least 5 per day :). The thing about the self-help books and our relationship was that I was trying to put myself in a positive mindset over something that didn't seem to be positive. I don't like the fact that he seems to see me as an addiction he needs to break. The self help books are ALL about codependency. He even says he doesn't know who he is around me, as if I am some black hole sucking him in. It's frustrating too because he hasn't really been around me in almost 2 months and the dynamic has totally changed...

Anyway that was why I was trying to act "as-if". Point taken though.

Thanks for keeping an eye on me,

ITH

So,

I bit my tongue throughout H's mean multi-day episode of blaming me for his tuition woes even though I was getting pretty upset. I fully expected not to hear from him for a couple of days. I get back to my desk and have some IM waiting where he says that he is sorry if he was mean yesterday, that he blames himself as much as he blames me. Another guilt-ridden moment, but I do really appreciate the effort and the fact that he thinks of my feelings. Of course I said not to worry, that he wasn't mean, and it was fine, and that maybe my budget wasn't as good as it could have been, with a smiley face.

We had some more conversation about OUR finances, and then he asked if I would order groceries online for him since I offered to use my card if he was in a bind. I just was going to send him my card number but now he's asked me to do it...I do think it's interesting that someone who wants to stand on his own so much actually ASKS me to do so many things.

He's said he will cut out yoga and painting on his side and that he needs to focus on his studies. Could this mean he's coming back to the land of the living, the place where there is more to do than read self-help books and obsess about the meaning of life? (sorry if this sounds mean--I'm glad he cares for himself) He still has no clue about when I come back...he is talking about October and all, probably having no idea I will be back mid-way through. Well I will certainly not be opening THAT can of worms! My hope is that he will be SO wrapped up in his studies that he will actually welcome me being there if for nothing else than to help with the household stuff until that point where he is once again enchanted by me of course :).

OK end of post. I am proud of my continued DBing skills, and am happy to see that biting my tongue actually paid off in this case.

Does anyone have tips on how to alleviate a WAH's guilt? THIS is my current concern and goal. He is afraid to be around me, and I know part of it is guilt. It's really hard via IM only to make myself a safe, non-judgmental place to be...

ITH

OK now he's said he will put in the order himself and opened his own online grocery account.

I am VERY confused by this man.

ITH

And yes I am obsessing about his contact, but it's been an interesting last couple of hours...he's been going on and on on IM, nothing R related, but lots of conversation, and he is initiating it all, he actually asked me how work was going, something he hasn't asked in AGES, not even usually when we were in the same house. I didn't tell him the truth of course that I am on the boards all day :). I've been pretty brief with my answers, and always brought it back to him, how is YOUR work going, etc. I've found a few occasions to compliment and validate. He said how hard it was taking care of the cats, and I agreed and said he rocked for doing it. He said school and work were really busy, and I said that I would have never been able to do both school and work at the same time, and how I could hardly manage just school when I was in my MBA program. I said that he was always so much better organized than me. He called me a name once, a joking name, and keep saying he wishes I could take the cats here in Poland, as if I would be here forever...

Anyway the conversation has been nice, and it feels pre-bomb minus the Poland bits. I am actually kind of worried though for tomorrow's joint session, that he may say something hurtful or that he's happy only because we're not in the same place and because he is alone. There have still been no real future references or anything, or maybe I am looking for things to move more quickly than they should, the only "we's" that he ever uses are in reference to finances...I think I am being impatient. I was just hoping for SOME reference to me coming back to Dublin. It feels as though he doesn't see this in the future. In fairness he probably doesn't see that far down the road yet. I guess all I can do is continue to bite my tongue, and hope no R talks come up.

Does anyone think I should offer to postpone the joint session again? To be honest I am not sure how useful it is to get him on these sessions. Him saying how busy he is with school gives me a perfect excuse. I could just say, "You've mentioned how busy you are with school. Do you want to postpone this week's session? I'll go with your decision on this".

ITH

ITH,

I haven't had a chance to catch up but I would say no, just leave things. He already agreed that he would do it just go with the flow. It feels like you are wanting to control things again, take a step back.

(((ITH)))

Thanks JCJ,

You're probably right. I guess I just really don't want to do it anymore, weird as that sounds. I always thought those sessions would be a positive thing, but he usually ends up making me feel worse. At least Jody will probably try to lead him to be a little more positive. The thing is that once he says something, he can't take it back, and I know he is going through these mood swings right now, and I don't want him to say something that he feels really guilty for later. My expectations sure have changed! Now what I hope to hear from him is only "no guarantees". That sounds like about the most positive thing he could say :). I just don't want me coming back to be brought up, else it could ruin my possible ninja-like move back into the house in mid-October!

ITH

One thing I have learnt in all of this is that you can't have a rigid plan, you have to be flexible. It is good to have a vague plan but to be prepared to change it as often they don't play a long how we would expect/like.

Just remember to trust the rule of believe nothing of what they say a 50% of what they do.

Hi JCJ,

Trying SO hard to develop that thick skin! It IS hard though when you are used to believing what your H says, to suddenly try not to (I'm sure you can relate :)) I think my biggest problem has been expecting progress really quickly, as-if I would just leave, he needed a few days away, and we would suddenly be back to normal but just living apart for awhile. I don't think I really had a clue about how upset my H is/was, not sure how's he feeling these days, but he's probably not sure either...

I think we are between stages 1-2 still. Like today would be a Stage 2 day where we joke around, but the past week would have been stage 1, with him venting his negativity about his tuition.

Yeah he has never played along how I wanted/expected him to, that's for sure. In terms of my plan to move back, it is still my house, so I am going to stick to that plan unless something changes dramatically between now and then. I think Jody was right when she said "he can't just vaporize me". If I just go back, at least it puts the burden on his own shoulders to deal with the situation. That is probably where it should be for the moment. Anyway, I guess a lot can happen in the next 4 weeks :). I am starting to think that maybe my DBing has paid off a bit in terms of him trusting me a little more. This is the behavior I wanted, and it's really only been the last 2.5 weeks or so where I REALLY got what it meant to DB. So, I'm still hopeful...

ITH