(((Cinders))) I can relate to how you are feeling. My kids have had to go with my XH and OW (who is now his W) since my D was a newborn and my S was 2. Over the years, I tried everything I could to stop the OW from being a big part of my kid's lives...I asked that she not be in the car when my XH picked up the kids or I asked that she not come to the sporting events. I think this OW was more of a monster than most because if I asked her not to do something, that gave her more fuel to want to do it. You would think she would have tried to accomodate me since she helped destroy my family but she continues to this day to do everything she can to try to make me miserable...I believe it all boils down to her guilt.
It is really unlikely that there is much that you can do to keep the OW and her family from being a part of your children's lives as long as she is part of your H's life.
If I had the strength years ago, I would have followed the advice of "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". I am not saying that you should be friends with the OW but you may need to do your best to act "as if" do to keep your children out of the middle. My children have been stuck in the middle for all these years and if there was some way I could go back and undo it, I would. I wasn't able to keep my children's family together for them but I should have been a bigger person and figured out a way to keep them out of the middle.
Sorry that probably isn't what you want to hear...I just know how hard all of this can be on the completely innocent kids.
Cinders, What your h and the ow are doing is wrong. You have every right to be upset by the suggestion of calling the ow's parents "grandparents". It sounds to me that the ow wants to seal the deal, lock, stock and barrel, and ensure that your h and your children understand that she's got him and now he and the children are now a part of her life and her parents. Not happening. I agree with the others....time to sit your h down over a nice cup of tea and explaint he facts of life to him. "Grandparents" title is for those parents that gave birth to their children, i.e., you and your h. Other people who come into the picture, i.e., step or otherwise, shall be called a different name.
Quite frankly, I think your h is trying too hard to please this girl and by allowing this to continue, tells me he is desperate to keep her. First the photos and now this. Sounds to me like the girl wants to take over every part of your life and to be honest with you, she can never replace you. You are a very unique lady who has a lot of class and will shine no matter what.
I think if you sit him down and have a nice chat about it, maybe, just maybe, he'll understand. I wish you the best on this one.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Cinders, Like everybody else said you are not a disappointment. I also find it a cheek from you H to ask your kids to call OW's parents granny and grandad. I hope he will see that this is not on.
Hope you will have a peaceful day and enjoy your kids. Thinking of your. (((HUGS)))
Cinders, What your h and the ow are doing is wrong. You have every right to be upset by the suggestion of calling the ow's parents "grandparents". It sounds to me that the ow wants to seal the deal, lock, stock and barrel, and ensure that your h and your children understand that she's got him and now he and the children are now a part of her life and her parents. Not happening. I agree with the others....time to sit your h down over a nice cup of tea and explaint he facts of life to him. "Grandparents" title is for those parents that gave birth to their children, i.e., you and your h. Other people who come into the picture, i.e., step or otherwise, shall be called a different name.
Quite frankly, I think your h is trying too hard to please this girl and by allowing this to continue, tells me he is desperate to keep her. First the photos and now this. Sounds to me like the girl wants to take over every part of your life and to be honest with you, she can never replace you. You are a very unique lady who has a lot of class and will shine no matter what.
I think if you sit him down and have a nice chat about it, maybe, just maybe, he'll understand. I wish you the best on this one.
Had the 'talk'....started off as email, turned into angry email from H, I didn't get angry just responded with my boundaries. Then H called this afternoon. I told him that he needs to respect my boundaries, that I need those. And that if he is not willing to do so, then there is another option...that he ignores my wishes and does what he wants, but that in that case I do not want a friendship with him, that he can pick up the kids at the door again, and I will no longer have anything to do with him. I told him I wasn't afraid of living without him in my life. I'm not. It hurts....(once again) but I can do it.
It may not have been the best of things to say, but I am just so fed up of him stuffing ow down our throats and making it sound as if it is because of ME that the kids are having a hard time living with these 2 worlds...He truly does not SEE things the way I do. And he may never actually see it that way again.
I told him he no longer has values and morals in life. That he is not the man he used to be in that sense.
I may have said awful and hurtful things, but I feel that I am disintergrating our relationship by trying to stay friends at this point. It's just not possible. Not yet anyhow...
I keep falling for it, thinking he is offering more than crumbs, but every single time, it turns out it's just crumbs...
I told him I am not a doormat, that I feel too good to be one, and that I will not be treated like one.
Yes, I feel he or ow are trying to prove WAY too much to me and the outside world. It seems to me, that yes they want to replace me, and it feels awful. As if I am in a 'fatal attraction' movie and all they need now is for me to just drop dead.
I have no idea who is directing this circus...whether it's H or ow. It's not important really....but if he cannot and does not respect my boundaries, our friendship will end.
He says that he has done so much for me, has tolerated and respected so much....that's tough for me, as I feel I am the only one who seems to need to just accept this situation.
It's not a contest, I know...
Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair.
After I told him what the options were, we ended the conversation calmly and he said we should get together for coffee to discuss it further. So I guess we will.
I'm struggling a lot right now.
Any wise words are welcome. Thank you !
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Hi Cinders, Like everybody else said you are not a disappointment. I also find it a cheek from you H to ask your kids to call OW's parents granny and grandad. I hope he will see that this is not on.
Hope you will have a peaceful day and enjoy your kids. Thinking of you. (((HUGS)))
He told the kids that they could call ow's parents granny and grandad....
It repulses me.
It's not detachment, but it's how it makes me feel.
I'm sure that I disappoint you all by not being 'detached' enough by now, but I'm just human and sometimes this stuff really hurts.
I don't post anymore either, Cinders.
Disappoint us? Not at all. Detachment doesn't mean that you don't have feelings. You are not a robot. And when it comes to our kids.....how can this stuff not hurt? I'd be worry about you if this didn't hurt.
I am a year into this and, quite frankly, am doing well. I don't give him a lot of "mind space". There are rumors flying all around about him - apparently he is quite the topic of conversation in our little community. I have heard everything from he's doing meth to he's having an affair with a (former) good friend of mine. My reaction? Whatever...just don't try and drag me into your drama.
But...I don't do as well when it comes to my kids. I would be as repulsed as you, because it isn't right. Being a grandparent, or an aunt or uncle is an honor and should be treated as such. The "title" shouldn't be handed out to anyone who happens to be in a child's life today...and who may not be there tomorrow. And shame on OW's parents for not handling the situation better. It simply isn't appropriate at this time for these titles.
But, honestly, how do you approach your H about this? He obviously doesn't find anything wrong with this....which shouldn't surprise any of us because many of our H's have such clear thinking nowadays.....
In any event, your post really just struck me because I thought you were being a little hard on yourself. Your feelings are normal, given the situation. You have come a long way - you'll still go up and down, but don't discount how far you have come!
Hi Cinders, Thanks for popping by my thread. Yes, it is a never ending story. I guess we will never be able to completely get our Hs out of your mind. Take care. (((HUGS)))
He says that he has done so much for me, has tolerated and respected so much....
Well, isn't he a great guy?!?! Sounds like a true, upstanding role model for your kids. He's giving, tolerant and respects others. A real catch.
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I told him that he needs to respect my boundaries, that I need those. And that if he is not willing to do so, then there is another option...that he ignores my wishes and does what he wants, but that in that case I do not want a friendship with him, that he can pick up the kids at the door again, and I will no longer have anything to do with him. I told him I wasn't afraid of living without him in my life. I'm not.
Good girl. Your request is not unreasonable and should be respected. You are right...you are not a doormat and shouldn't tolerate being treated like one.
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I told him he no longer has values and morals in life. That he is not the man he used to be in that sense.
You know that this probably went in one ear and out the other. But we've all said things we probably shouldn't have. I told mine he was having a MLC. Shockingly, he denied it.
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I have no idea who is directing this circus...whether it's H or ow. It's not important really....but if he cannot and does not respect my boundaries, our friendship will end.
Do you really like circuses? Don't get dragged into the drama. Say what you need to say and then remove yourself from the situation. IMO, you are right - if boundaries are crossed, the relationship/friendship will be affected.
You're right - it isn't a contest. You are their mother. You can not be replaced. End of story.
Sorry for the sarcastic nature of the post. When these H's negatively impact the kids, it gets to me every time. Do what is in their best interest - it is the thing that I concentrate on all of the time. It is hard, but right.
Cinders, Your h is a real piece of work. I'm sorry, but he's not listening to one word you've spoken. It's gone in one ear and out the other. He's still trying to make you out to be the bad guy here. Turn the tables on him!
You've stated your piece to this man, so why in the heck would he want to have coffee to discuss it some more? You know what? I wouldn't discuss it any further w/him. Let him stew about it for a while. The more you try to work w/him in a friendship manner, the more he and the ow are walking all over you in a very subtle way. First the web page, now this. Step back and allow that drama of his to play out in his fantasy world.
There's absolutely nothing wrong w/you and yes, you are the children's mother and you have rights and have to look out for them. Do not allow him to play w/your head. It's his way or no way and from where I'm sitting, he's trying to make you feel like you owe him something for what he's done for you and the children. Well, you've been grateful for him in many ways, but that doesn't mean you have to take his bs either.
I think I'd just let him be for a while and wouldn't have coffee w/him. Time for him to be met at the door w/the children when he comes to pick them up. I think you've been more than gracious about the entire situation and now that you are trying to be friends w/him, he's taking advantage of it and will use it for all it's worth to smooth the path for him and the ow. Boundaries need to be set and adhered to and I think it's time you show him what you mean about them. Talking to him will not work...show him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
