Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy New Thread-Husband Moved in With OW(T2L)

Marisol {{{glad you found us}}}}} sorry it was a bad week for you also. So your H is going to colorado with the OW, too bad you cannot expose him to her parents. I know if my D was going with a 35 year old M man with kids, I would be hitting the roof. Glad you took the truck especially if you are paying on it. You need to know that when a H jumps into a new R so quickly even if they marry the OW, their chance of making the next M work is about 40% or less. I suggest that you start making your H accountable as far as the kids go. Tell H you want them in T with him especially your D16. Ask H is this what you want to be remembered for with your children? Amazing H is scrambling around for a car and manage to fly out for vacation. What lack of priorities. My H does not have a clue on how tight money will be for him when he moves since he never has done the bills --ever. It should be interesting. The only thing I am worried about is that H might push for a divorce because he will run out of money in the next few months and the only way to get more is by us divorcing. How sad.
Glad you are getting an Atty. You have rights. I am so glad we have this message board group. It is great support when there is no-one else. Stay strong.

Hi Hope!

I know...my H is soooo bad with money. As soon as he gets it, he spends it with no sense of accountability for when the bills come. I sent him a text today with the cell phone bill. I know that hit him pretty good. I had a family plan for all of us (me, him, D16, S14, and my cousin who is staying with us). I called the company asking if they would split it because I know he would not give me money for it and they actually did! They opened a whole new account for me, my D16, and my cousin. They left him and his son on the original plan. I couldn't remove my name though because if I did I would have to pay for the cancellation fees ($200 per phone). He couldn't add his name because they denied him due to his credit. So I just removed my numbers off and if he doesn't pay it then they will shut off his phone and his sons. Oh well!!!!! If a new R is what he wants then this is what he gets. He wants a D then he will face the music right?

We will see how long 21 OW hangs out when he has no car or cell phone......HA HA HA!!!! I mean this whole thing bothers me because I am not this type of person who is out for revenge but when they have no regard for our feelings, emotions, their kids, or anything someone has to wake them up right? Someone has to show them that they are doing wrong. Someone has to show them the consequences of their actions right?

I mean no one in his family is telling him he is doing wrong right now. In his mind I think he thinks everyone will just accept it and be ok with it. I have talked to his friends and his cousin that he is close too and he just blows them off. In fact, one of his friend's wife told me that he told him I was jealous and suspected him of cheating but that it was not true!!! So he is making it seem like its my fault!!! I was so upset when I heard that. Why in the world would I lie? It is just horrible.

This board is fantastic. It really helps to read other people's stories and experiences and especially get advice.

I want all of your M to work, I really do. I hope it works out for all of you. I just wish it could be the same for me. It is too far gone now. My family does not want him back in the picture at all. I just wish things could be different.

Marisol, it is not about revenge but about accountability. You pay the truck, you take the truck, glad that cell phone is turned over to him also. Your right when money starts getting tight for the OW she will not like it.
My H has his own credit card and I found out that he has over $20,000 in charges, about $10,000 in the last year. He is going wild spending money. He never had to worry about it before but now...He will start freaking out. When he moves he is paying 1/2 the bills on our house mortgage etc and some support for our D. This will leave him with practically nothing. I split our savings and he will go through that quick. He has no concept of money or budgeting or bills. If he learns how to handle his finances and ends up coming home it will be a positive thing anyway. I have to be positive. Recently I have been looking at the MLC posts. These H's all sound the same. It is unbelievable but there are success stories. I pray for that.

Wow...that is crazy...I bet the interest on the credit card isn't very good either....when its that high the monthly payments have to be over $300 per month!

I don't have any savings but I do have a 401K and a retirement plan which I am going to protect in the D papers. We lost two properties to foreclosure so the only real property I have are the truck and the car that I have. We signed a lease for the rental house we are in so I have to stay here until February. The house is huge b/c it was for all of us. I will most likely move into something smaller but in the same area so my D can graduate from the high school she is going too. No matter what I will not have her life impacted by this as much as possible. I mean she is hurt by all this but I was not about to change her schools and do all that so that I can get away. I can live with it until then.

What does your family say about your situation? In DR they say that friends and family just want you to feel better but that they can sometimes not be a good influence on you.

There have been stories that M have been saved at the last minute. I ask myself if that's what I truly want every day. At this moment in time part of me says yes but part of me says no. It is such an internal tug of war.

Hi marisol and the T2L gang,
I have not spoken in great detail to my family except my sister. Of course she says divorce H. I am trying to hold back until X-mas and D15 and me have to fly home for holiday. Sorry you lost 2 properties through this but credit can be restored. Your right about H - minimal credit card payment is $375 and he puts $400, and charges over $300 a month. Go figure. I told my H if he wanted to leave ok but I am keeping the house with D15 till she graduates (3 years) and he has to pay 1/2. so far he has agreed.
Speaking of stories about M saved, I started a thread today under MLC - MLC - returning spouses-. I am looking for success stories. Go check it out. I don't know if anyone responded yet. I want to ask strategy questions.

Shout out to T2L, I hope everything is ok with you? Haven't seen any post from you?? Is kids and especially you ok?
signed concerned

Hi everybody! How is everyone? T2L its been a while since we have heard from ya!!

Yesterday was interesting for me. I told him how much his cell phone bill was and he was shocked. Then he asks if he wanted a check or cash and I told him he can pay for it himself online. Goes to show how much he knows... His response was "I guess I'm still technically challenged." My response was "I'm sure you can get someone to help you." I also mention that I am planning on having our D see a C and that he should be a part of that. He says to let him know. Then he later asks me if I got the D papers. I tell him no and left it at that. I wanted to say what was the hurry but I bit my tounge.

I tell him later on that he has mail from his tax accountant and from a law firm. He says he would come by this week to pick them up but he needed to get a car first. I asked him how that was going and his response was "not good! I bet that makes you happy!" and my response was "having the truck does not make me happy. I can mail the letters to you if you want." and then he responded "ok...mail them". So, its been about 3 weeks since I have seen him.

I also find out that apparently him and 21 OW had a fight this past weekend. Looks like she went out drinking Saturday night and he stayed home. She did not respond to his texts. They must have gotten in an argument and she slapped him so he punched a hole in the wall. He was NEVER like that with me. Not ONCE did he ever get so angry that he would do such a thing. This makes me so worried that he is going down a very dark path. How can he want this kind of a R? How can he want to be with a woman like her? It just blows my mind.

Any thoughts?

Hi Marisol (where's T2L and also JGrind?)

Looks like you are handling everything well. You are doing all the right things right now including C for D. How did you hear about the fight with the OW? Remember she is 21 and basically a spoiled child so she wants to have tantrums and to prove her point (eg. not answering text msg). I do not think he is going down a dark path; the reality is that he might be realizing this is not a "true love romance". Reality sucks doesn't it.

As for myself, I am stumbling these past few days. I took a walk on the beach last night and it was Gray and windy and overcast (like my mood), I was just so angry and upset that I was crying and screaming out loud (Thank God no one was around while I was ranting like a fool), My H went to watch football (the OW's favorite team), so I had all types of images in my head all night. He got home about midnight and I was in bed. He starts to talk to me about the game and I said the OW must be happy her team won, and he said don't start that again. Then I got upset more and said why didn't you tell us 2 years ago you were not happy and move here by yourself instead of dragging us away from family 2000 miles and now you want to leave. Then I go on and say I know you are not happy, but when you leave you better be blanky blanky happy out of your mind, over the moon, with what you are doing to us. He apologized. I got up and cried for an hour (a DB failure of an evening). He did say which he has said many times that I would have let our marriage stay like this as long as I had what I wanted. It did not matter to me or him if we were happy.

In the morning he apologized again for the pain he was causing me. It keeps bothering me that he kept saying about how I didn't care about us or the marriage. I told him those were his thoughts and stop putting words for my thoughts. I told him he was taking the easy way walking out and he was a coward. Great way to start the day.

I kept thinking about this all morning, and wanted to throw a "truth dart" at him. I sent him an e-mail with the following. I know it is mostly against the DB principal but I wanted to validate my mind not his perception. Will keep you posted when/if he reacts to the e-mail. I saw a similar posting that someone wrote so i stole (borrowed) some of the verbiage.
as follows...

Wanted to say that I am very sorry for calling you a coward this morning.

I knew there were problems with us and I too was not happy with the way things were going. I really felt lost when we were in CT in July and you were not there. I know you felt that as long as we were married and going along that is all that I wanted but I want you to know I NEVER felt like that, I just never knew how to fix it or was unsure on how to try.

We were two people who were raised at opposite ends of the earth, met somehow, fell in love and married. There have been times of great adventure, close companionship, creating our family, tears of joy and sadness. We have experienced so much together.

You may never want to be here for me again, but I want you to know that I have always felt safe and protected by you. This is how I really feel...

Thanks for listening today. I really am having tough time. So glad we have support on these boards.

HI guys.
Sorry, been in a fog myself a few days. Crying a bit more and now(sorry guys). I don't know how you guys do it seeing your H and/or living with them. So hard having seeing him on Saturday at the game.
I've had a few very angry moments. Not at him, as you guys know we have almost no contact, except maybe an email every Friday or now every other Friday for financial reasons.

It's like seeing him, I am reminded of where my marriage is and what has happened. Not seeing him I can at least not be reminded of it. And he was so far on the other side of the stadium that I could barely see him but I knew it was him. He said hello to several of my friends from church. It just hurt. Most of them spent time over on the other side near him. Even H brother commented on it.
Children have decided to start visiting with H. I don't feel like seeing him ya know. It hurts. I'm tired of hurting. So many people think I should move on. They don't understand that I adored this man and I don't know how to un-love him. And even if my GAL'ing is going he would never know because we don't speak or see each other, so GAL is just for my benefit(i know thats good too). I know if I started dating I would feel better-so many of my friends did that-but I feel like that's a form of medicating and I would rather move through my pain and be healed emotionally because either way it all comes around even if you try to skip a step.
Guess I just been feeling depressed. And I know you all have been here....I need to go back and read all the posts above this one. I'll try and get back on tonight...
Thanks guys for your friendship.....sorry for the rambling

Hi Hope!

I'm not sure where everyone is??? I'm concerned...

I found out about the fight because I still cannot beat the urge to look at his email...I know that is the worst thing to do especially when it does nothing but hurt. I have been fighting the urge today and have to get past this.

HUGS for you!!! I'm sorry your day was not a good one yesterday. I cry every day on my way home from work. I don't want to cry infront of my D16. She was so happy yesterday after going to her first piano lesson so that is what keeps me going!

Although what you did last night may have took you back a few steps but sometimes we MUST let our feelings and emotions out! In doing so, your H sees the pain he has and is putting you through right at this very moment. How else can they know if they don't see it? Sometimes I wish I would have had more time with my H at home. I would have been able to say more, do more, or show him more. With him gone I am helpless to save it. Then with his replacement it makes it that much harder to get through to him. Even though his R sounds very unstable she is there with him and I'm not.

Your email was good....keeping the communication going I think is very important. Even if he doesn't respond he is reading it and thinking about you.

Here is an email exchange we did last Thursday after he signed the D papers:

I find it hard to believe you were not happy the whole time we were together. I understand these past few months yes with all that has happened but if you were not happy throughout the time we lived together then you would have cheated on me then or would have left me then right?

I admit when I look back there are things I could have done better too. I was not the best communicator of my feelings because I didn't know how. I would hold things in because I was afraid to upset you or to make you mad. I didn't know any better. I wanted to make our relationship as comfortable as possible. All I wanted was for us to be together with our kids, to be a family, and look forward to the future.

This only came about after we were married. After a real commitment was made you became a different person. You were trapped, suffocated, had to answer to me, this was forever and you wanted out. But our lack of communication destroyed everything. Both of us had feelings we were not sharing with one another.

You knew how much marriage meant to me and it's almost like in the back of your mind you knew if you cheated you could end it. It was your way out. And now more than ever you want out even more because there is someone in your life. You want to make this happen as fast as possible so you won't feel guilty anymore for what you have done and what you are doing with this other person right now.

This woman, who is young, has no kids, is full of energy, adores you like a god, and came at opportune time when your office closes and you are at the lowest point of your career. She says all the right things, makes you feel like you have never felt before, tells you she loves you all the time, makes you feel young, says you’re the best thing that has ever happened to her in her life, and you are in love. But there is one thing about her and that is she is demanding. She will not have "doors open" in her relationships or she will leave you no matter how much she loves you. Trust is the most important thing to her. So for her, she can't be in a true relationship with a man who is still married. Its either you get a divorce or I'm gone! Am I right?

So tell me how your actions are not being influenced by anyone or anything?

If you were alone right now Scott with just you and your son with no one else in the picture you would not be in such a hurry as you are now to make this divorce happen. You would be putting your life back together like you said from all that has happened and would get organized, create order, and take your time before making life changing decisions like this. You would be spending time with your kids who miss you. You would be showing yourself you can make it on your own. You would be proud of how far you have come. I'm not saying you would come back but at least give it time and space to settle all of these feelings that are taking place between us and between our kids. It's only been 3 weeks since you left.

No one can make someone love them or want to be with them. I never made you love me or made you want to be with me. You were there by choice. You could have told me a long time ago that it was never going to work between us. It would have been hard for me to hear but I would have accepted it and I would have found my way. But you didn't and you kept coming around. Maybe it was just for sex, I don't know but for me there was something more there, something stronger. Then you wanted a relationship and wanted more. You told everyone how happy you were. This is where I get confused.

You had all these visions, goals, and desires of what you wanted for us. The places you wanted to go and things you wanted us to have. Now it has all been erased.

Would you honestly be making this decision if there was no one else? Would you be willing to let go and give up? I don't know only you do. From what you said to me the answer is yes. If no one else was in your life you would still want a divorce because you don't want to be married to me anymore.

I do remember years ago when we were 19 and we were in love. We couldn't bear to be without each other. It was so exciting to see one another. I longed for you like you did for me. I couldn't wait for you to pick me up after working at Tony Roma's to sneak me out of the house. I remember our long walks through the golf course in Dobson ranch. We talked about everything. I was your girl. It was so much fun back then. Those are the memories I will always cherish.

I know people change with time and with the experiences they face. I felt I have changed a great deal from that 19 year old girl I was to the woman I am now. I would not change a thing that has happened in my life because that is what has made me who I am. What I can change is what my future will be. I have forgiven. I have loved. I have lost. What I must do now is fill myself back up with love for myself and have faith that this new beginning will bring me the joy and happiness I have always wanted.


Marisol Castro

-----Original Message-----
From: Scott@xxxxx.com [mailto:Scott@xxxxxx.com]
Sent: Thursday, September 11, 2008 11:50 AM
To: Castro, Marisol
Subject: Sorry!

I'm sorry for handling things so poorly! Things have been very crazy in my life lately! I'm just trying to get organization and order back to my life.....we both need closer with this so we can move on! I admit I did handle the divorce poorly and I could have been better at communicating with you....I just felt like if I didn't just do it that I would keep putting it off and it could literally take years to get done. I need to know where I stand and get my life in order. I never meant to ruin your life!! Everything I did I thought I was doing right by you.....but in the end if I wasn't happy then nobody was going to be.
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