Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? 5 weeks remain til next chapter starts

Hi BH,

Thanks for that. Maybe I am panicking, but I think guilt is very bad as it makes him want to be around me less. He and I are very amicable, which in a way makes this so much harder. If he was just a jerk and thought it was all my fault, I could deal better. Instead it's the it's not you it's me nonsense.

I did reword the email, so it was pretty mature, even though right now I just want to call him :)-don't worry, I won't.

BH-what does the I need to continue to be alone sound like to you? THIS is what's freaking me out. He didn't refer to timelines or anything, it sounded so final.

ITH

i agree- you cant stop him from feeling guilty- but dont do anything to make him feel more guilty. that would have ,made my H run away as fast as possible.

you are doing an amazing job with all your interactions. you stay positive, take nothing personally and make him right! that si the way to DB!!

as for me and my H- we were in stage 1 for a loooong time- i would say more than half of our sep. then it just ramps up and the stages go a little aftser...you see that friendship stage is really on the way to reconciling..so stage one is very important to go through slowly...

Jody reminded me that although H was venting ad spewing his negativity in stage one- i was there too because i was learning how to hear all of his stuff without reacting.

it is a time to heal. then you can create a new friendship, then romance, etc.

My H and i are in romance and almost to reconciling...he still hasnt come home yet and he still hasnt said ILY. He also hasnt terminated his lease on his apt.

so this is a long process...i think the main things are PATIENCE and taking care of YOU!

you are really doing great!

ps. his email to you was very positive. nothing in it was final at all. in fact , quite the opposite. rememeber DO NOT believe what he says. watch what he does...he is reaching out to you. he loves you and misses you...

he is very lonely and just needs to heal something in side of him. he wants to give you aintings..he is apologizing.

why did Jody say to move back in? thats a biggie!

Hi Pisces,

Thanks so much. I was hoping to hear from you on this one :).

Basically I was telling Jody that my biggest concern was how to bring up the end of the initial sep period. She agreed that he sees it as terrifying (having spoken with him a few times), and thinks I should not bring up R talks. She said the best way to deal with the sitch is to try and have the whole thing happen "de facto". If I ASK him what he wants, he will certainly say more time, which neither she nor I think is the best choice for the R. We HAVE agreed on 3 months as a checkin period. She says he can't just vaporize me...anyway we'll see what she says on Wednesday (joint session) and Thursday (individual session). The moving in sounds TERRIFYING, though in some ways totally right.

Thanks for saying the email doesn't seem final. I just feel today like everything is over. I AM doing the right DB things, but they still don't feel right. I feel like he's shut the door to me.

Anyway I think I'll send Jody the email before the session so she has all the info at hand.

Thank you SO much Pisces!

ITH

i know the feeling ITH. i really do.

just dont go down a cheeseless tunnel

you just have to know i see how well you are doing- and so do a lot of other people. you are very careful with your actions/words to your H. you are just being so loving. i know he feels that from you.

i am amazed that Jody says to move in- that is awesome. that means she knows the R isnt over at all. your H is lost and will just say negative things.

i can see why you'd be scared though. what do you think?

thats good you have more sessions....keep it up! GAL. PMA!

Hey there,

In terms of what I think about moving in, I'm on the fence. She says unless he starts openly discussing it in advance though, it is my best option. If I stay at a hotel or a friend's house, it will be hard to extricate myself from the situation. It's basically all or nothing. I take the plunge, back into the bedroom and all, and hope he will stay quiet and not initiate a discussion. If he does stay quiet, then I have the chance to show him I need no guarantees or definitions. She seems to agree that he isn't seeing things clearly, that he's wrapped up in how he thinks things will be. It is my house too, and we are both paying the rent. I just need to time it for when he's really busy and won't have time to be thinking about what to do. She said to act "as-if" the sep period has ended then. Problem is H tends to send these emotional emails, and I don't know how I'll handle it if he does so while I'm in the house. I'm basically hoping for a smooth few weeks when I get back, where we talk about nothing serious, awkward though it may be! Of course a better scenario would be for him to ask me to come back, which I could only see happening due to finances. It's not out of the question, but at this moment seems unlikely...

Thanks for the nice words about my actions toward H. This has made me realize that I love him more than I ever thought possible. I don't think non-DBers will ever understand this...

ITH

So no updates today, just a bit of journaling...the weather has changed here, which makes me feel as though I should be in a new phase of this process. It went from me needing to wear skirts and tank-tops to sweaters overnight. Fall is in the air, and I miss my H so much. Cold nights are harder on your own, or so I find...

I am expecting no contact from H today. I do still wonder what he thought of my DB-fantastic response to his scary email. My hope is that he will not bring it up at all, but that it made him feel happy and comfortable.

I've just spent the last hour or so going through a lot of my old posts. I still think that there were some more positive conversations at the beginning of the process than there have been recently, but I can see that my actions have changed. The old conversations were probably based on H trying to please me, and now he knows he doesn't need to do that, or so it seems. Now I'm hoping he will just get to the point where being around me and talking to me pleases HIM. I am resolute about not contacting him, and am still hoping he doesn't reach out today (beyond a miraculous I'm so sorry I miss you and love you email of course :)). A girl can always dream!

I want to hear less spew, and more light-hearted banter. There was a bit of it on Thursday evening, timed along with his scary email, but there nonetheless. It's funny that H always says "I will try to write more often." This is actually the last thing I want. I wish there was a way to let him know that I am comfortable without R talks, with just seeing where things go(assuming of course I can move back into our house in mid-October!). I guess if we get to the point where he realizes we don't need to have those R talks all the time, this might be enough to hold off on one even when I just show up and move back in...I'll have to ask Jody about this on Thursday.

OK I'm off now. I hope everyone is having a good weekend, and if anything interesting happens, I'll post later...

ITH

Just enough time for a driveby. I think you should never attach a timeline. Timelines are expectations. Expect nothing for now. As far as the need to continue being alone, and if I remember the wording correctly, he said, "for now".

He didn't say he needs to be without you or get away, just to be alone for now.

Hi BH,

Thanks for this. Unfortunately he didn't say "for now" though, which is why I'm freaking out. this email just said "I need to continue to be alone," which is why it sounds so final to me.

Trying not to attach a timeline, but there is a timeline for me leaving Poland, and so this is at the very least a forced checkin point. I don't expect roses then or anything, at best de facto reconciliation where nothing is said for a few weeks. Jody though has suggested simply moving back in and not discussing it. We'll see what she has to say on this next week. That point is still 5 weeks away so hopefully a lot of positive things can happen between now and then...

ITH

Still feeling pretty melancholy...

I think it's partially because I haven't been to the gym all week. I am going to try and force myself to go today! This is only the 2nd time that there has been 48 hours of no contact between H and me, and the last time was when he was on a plane for 24 hours. I didn't want him to contact me in response to my email, but I really would like something light and positive, just something of a reassurance. I am trying SO hard to see the positives in my sitch, but at the moment am seeing a H who feels too co-dependent to be in a relationship, which is freaking me out. With each passing day, it is as if his heart hardens to the idea of marriage, and not the other way around, which is really what I expected. He misses me, but feels like this is somehow not healthy for him. Anyway I know some of these are assumptions, but his self-help books really do seem to be poisoning him to the idea of a relationship at all. I wonder too about his Psychotherapist. It's pretty frustrating as this is a marriage not some bad, unhealthy relationship. I certainly have had my issues like being controlling, but I was never mean, verbally abusive, intentionally hurtful, unfaithful, or anything like that. I feel like all of these books just advocate throwing something away without really working on it. I never got the chance to work on anything before H dropped the bomb, and now I am a much better person, and he isn't interested in this part of the equation at the moment.

Feeling REALLY sad today. I REALLY don't want to be here in Poland anymore.

ITH