Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy New Thread-Husband Moved in With OW(T2L)

JGrind, reading about your R with your H sounds like I was writing it. I have know my H since we were 16 and he has been very insecure often not happy with anything. We have a real nice house and nice things and I asked him the other night if he misses me, kids, home, etc. He said no not the home it disgusts him b/c he feels it represents material things that he was obsessed with to relieve the pain from the lack of our R. Wow, I had no idea he was a great actor all these years. My b-day was in Dec and the threw me a huge surprise 30th party with all of our friends. He was announcing how much he loved me and I was his beautiful wife, fast forward to now and we barely talk. I am the one that said that my H feels like I have pushed him away even after he has left. What do we do with that. I have been following DB and it is making him angry or so he says. Maybe it is just him still blaming me for everything and by lashing at me it justifies why he has been hanging out with the OW. He only admits that they are just real good friends, whatever. I am sure friends with benefits.

We have a set schedule for visitation and it is one night a week and every other weekend for him with open access to visit or call me to visit when ever. It is crazy that whenever he does have them that he has to have the OW around. I really feel that our H are relying on people to make them happy instead of us separating finding ourselves and being able to reconnect. They need that void filler. Wouldn't we all like to have someone there with us just like before but we all know that they can never be our H that even though they are acting like this we love them unconditionally. Funny my H told me that I do not love him unconditionally, what does he think this mess is! It is 6yrs today and I am so sad, going to take my girls to church and lunch! I will be praying for us!

By the way I know a couple of us have mentioned MLC. My C told me that it can be an anytime crisis with all the same symptoms as a MLC. I hope that is what this is and that I can just stay on the ride and get through this so we can work together for a happy future. I don't want to give up but I know I need to move on with or without him!

Also JGrind, the deal with your kids and the OW. It is so wrong and our H have no idea what this is doing to our children may they be 2 or 11 and 14 like yours. They are in big time selfish mode and it is anything that makes them happy screw everyone else. I think a family C is great and our H need a child C b/c that is how they are acting.

Me-30
H-30
D-2
D-2
M-6 T-14
S-5/09/08

Ok guys, I'm so glad we all found each other. Yes can someone find marisol and let her know where the thread is.

Jumping on to update real quick. I'll get back on in the morning to read all the threads and more updates.

So went to son's game. Was at a high school. H came. went on the other side of the football field(outdoors). I just happened to notice him-as he is the only idiot who has his T-shirt off in the entire Football stadium. So wierd. Ok when this 1st happened, he sent a text picture to my daughters phone. Of what you ask, a picture of him chest up with no shirt on. Ok he sent another picture of himself 2 weeks ago to her another shirtless pic. So MLC to me. He like thinks he's mr. male model. So irritating. Anyways we had no contact at all. He avoided me totally.
Tell your opinion on this. All my friends who came to support me and my son, went to the other complete side of the stadium and hung out over there at least 3/4 of the time. In fact my H brother who came to was bothered by it. HE said Lea they should have came to support you and not baby him this was his choice. His own brother. What do you guys think? My friends say well we are trying to be cordial and maybe if we keep reaching out he'll come out of it. I told one friend no he's look at you guys and thinks your all stupid.

Ok really sick thing....I forgot to mention this one. In July he tells my 17 year old daughter to trade her car in. He says why don't you go buy a VW Passat. My daughter glares at him and says I will NEVER drive that car horrible people drive that car. You wanna know why. The stinking OW drives a Passat. Soooooo gross. He suggested to my daughter to buy a car the OW has. So like what?!?!?!?!!? I'm sorry but that's really weird to me.
Anyways I don't know guys we have no contact and do not really see each other. Don't know how he's ever gonna want his marriage. I actually feel worse. I'm angrier. I haven't seen him since July. I had to actually look at the man who caused all the pain to me and my kids.
Anyways I'll get on tomorrow afternoon Pacific time and read and update. At least its over. He didn't even try to speak to my son, instead he called and left a message on the home phone while we were driving home. My son says he does not want him at next game. He in his 9 year old glory says I'd appreciate it if you ask me first next time before inviting him. LOL...Night friends......

Hello all shout out to {{{{{twinhope, t2l, jgrind}}}}}, just catching up on the threads.
First after having some positive effect from DB, I crashed and burned Saturday night. H came back from dinner about 10, not drinking and our D15 was sleeping over friends. He sits and starts to talk and saying first he felt bad for me when our friend from China kept asking if we can come next year and I said to ask H. Then he asks how my new friend is and I say ok and that she has a good network of friends, so he says is there anyone that is interested in me or asked me out, so I say well I have met some professional people but I am not interested in dating anyone (what the hell???) I should have ended the conversation and went to another room, instead I took the bait and lost every DB strategy and went back to my old depressing self. H says do you think it will be a mistake with me taking this apartment so close to the house (about half mile from my house - will see it everyday), so I said well it will be good for D, and he says well I worry that you will feel you can stop by anytime you want and I will need privacy. I went nuts. So I said don't worry I will NEVER stop there, I have my dignity and will hold my head high, I don't need to see you with the Plastic Pinata (my special name for the OW), or any other women. How dare you etc, what do you think that i am made of stone, H apologizes and says sorry I was just thinking ahead. Of course I cried, cried cried, little begging, pathetic. I really hated him for about 2 hours, I went to bed but I guess he could not sleep and he did not come to bed till about 3 am. Today our friend came over and then we went to the sports bar to watch the football game (that I don't have much interest but trying to be a DB), but H almost ignored me and drank 2 beers. I feel very depressed tonight. Was raining earlier and then I went out and walked the beach in the dark. Needed to get out and just scream.

OK now enough feeling sorry for myself.
T2L, sorry about the game experience. I know you were aggravated about your friends but maybe they did have your best interest trying to get him to open up. Maybe by start facing people it will make H realize what a fool they are acting like. Also no shirt and sending a text of it...your H can share the front page with my H on the cover of Mid Life Crisis!. Can't believe this is the same man that was an assoc. pastor. He has lost his way truly. Also about telling your D to buy the same car as OW...poor taste. Your son knows that the H that was watching him was just a shell of his real father. Another alien pod takeover.
JGrind, glad you are making all the right moves with C for kids. My suggestion when he wanted to have the kids sleep over on Saturday, I would have said ok as long as YOU take them to church. Maybe it will will open his eyes. good luck on your meeting with him. Glad that your H is also seeing the effect of the seperation on the kids. I would also suggest to H that he have some one on one time with each child and no OW or outsiders. I think they are truly rebelling about H's actions.
twinhope, sorry about your anniversary. Ours was in June (21 years) you think we would have it made by now. Even though your H is younger, it does not mean he is not having a full MLC also, especially with the remark about the house and trappings of wealth etc. I am the same here, we bought a larger house because my H wanted it, and then bought the lot next door and now he just wants to move into a 1 bedroom apt. We have a beautiful home and he does not appreciate it. Initially when he buys something it makes him happy but because they do not value themselves it fades quick.
Patience patience patience. A tough time. keep posting.

Hope, It always seems to be that when we feel like we are taking steps forward we are kicked back further. I feel the same way. I think I see progress and my small goals are reached and then bam, I get slapped in the face and I find out that he was spending time with the OW and my girls. It is so frustrating so I feel your pain. The only thing I can say to you is that we make mistakes and pick yourself up and get back to DB. I really feel that they are testing us and are picking fights or doing things to get at us b/c they are trying to justify their behavior and if we can show them the begger, the pleading, crying etc. it proves their point. It is a sick game they play. These men are just not thinking. I can't speak for you guys but I feel like the man that I see today looks the same but he is not the man I fell in love with and married. It is so sad.

Today was real tough for me. Like I expected he did not mention in his message to the girls anything about our anniversary. I let it go to voicemail, I just could not talk to him today. He said that he hopes that we had a good day. What is wrong with him, he is sick, how can he think today was a good day! Think with your brain H!

twinhope believe it or not H might have forgotten anniversary since they have been so self absorbed. So do not get too down. I still believe that the OW in your case will get sick of the family life with your twins. They say most affairs pass the 6 month mark. I miss the companionship of my H, sometimes I "forget" he is moving and almost start to sit next to him or bend over and kiss him. Then I start to panic. I can't believe in 2 weeks he will no longer be in the house. Since I have no one here but my D, it will be so isolated. My heart is breaking. I can't escape to my job because I see him there everyday and that will be additional torture. Need to stay stron and keep my dignity in this mess. one day at a time.

Hello everyone! Just wanted to update before going to bed.
Today was rough day. Woke up, basement flooded again, no electricity. Went to church by myself - slipped and fell in the commons area - then found flat tire in parking lot. Then came home to psych myself for my H visit to discuss "plans"
Our visit was cordial as could be when youre talking of D plans. H already consulted with lawyer. Plans to pay all fees, but our county still requires a mediator (which is how I wanted to do it anyway) H informed me I will no longer recieve his paychecks into account (we had disscussed this before , so I kind of expected), but based on preliminary paperwork printed out by his lawyer, will go ahead and pay $600/mo child support . Doesnt seem like a lot for 3 kids , but it is based on each H and W income for last 3 years (I make 51% and H is 49%) and percentage of time spent with each parent per month. Agreed on visitation every other F-Sat-Sun (when I am working) and H may come to visit kids anytime during week with my prior knowledge (but not stay night with him cuz of school) and If I need him to take them 1 night on the opposite weekend, he will. (I am trying to pick up extra shifts on occasion- or maybe I might just want a GNO!) H lawyer says no need for each of us to have separate lawyers if we agree upon everything by lawyer and mediator, but I plan to get a consultation with my own lawyer anyway. I dont feel right about him cutting off paychecks until anything is final, although financially I think I can manage for now.

Discussed my deep concern for our kids. He is beginning to see effects on them - esp D11 and S14. Told him I was easing them into T, talked with school guidance counselors, and planned to eventual family therapy . Told him he needed to be at family T with them so they can feel safe expressing their feelings toward him. He says they do talk to him, but I said "not near as much as they talk to me probably" Expressed my displeasure with OW staying with him while kids are there.I said, although they have known her for several years , it is confusing and upsetting to see her as "dad's girlfriend" instead of just a friend of the family. Told him it is not fair to them to be subjected to that, especially when they didnt even realize anything was wrong in the first place. They miss you, I said, and they can't even have you , their space, or even their own belongings to themselves when they go to stay with you.
I then brought up OW's crazy H ( the one that wants to "blow his head off") and said I fear for my kids, especially when at your house ,cuz he will never go away since OW and him have children together . I will do whatever necessary to keep my kids safe.You have subjected them to not only much hurt, but danger as well. H had little to say about this speal, but his eyes were watering.

Lastly, In regards to OW. Told H, I respect her decision to leave a verbally abusive, controling relationship. Her and her kids do not deserve that, BUT I cannot respect the fact that she would allow herself to pursue a married man - the husband of a friend. Dont know what Ive ever done to her and will never know, I said, but I cannot respect her character. H said nothing, just briefly put his head down. And with that, we wrapped it up. It was actually the most intimate conversation we've probably had in years, sadly enough.

twinhope- child C for H- I like your thinking! And maybe we could set our H up so they can cry in their beers together. By the way, anything legally binding with your situation, or just verbal agreements between you and H?
Today was tough for you. Tommorow is a new day to start fresh. One day at a time (((((hugs))))).

t2l- Friends and family probably feel so "in the middle" with all this. I have no doubt they probably side with you and your children, but maybe they are afraid to cause your H to have even more resentment toward you by shunning him ? Or maybe they just feel awkward about what to say or do around you and your kids because they know you're all so hurt as it is? Sometimes I feel so angry when I go to the ballgames even though everyone knows about A, they still talk and act like nothing is even going on when they are around H. Sometimes I cant help but want everyone to hate him and be on my side 100%, yet our personal life has little bearing on theirs, so realisticly it's not going to work that way. I know it is hard (((((hugs)))))

hope3343- Just "throwing it out there" but did you consider H could've , maybe meant it would be OK for you to stop by? - not neccessarily "everytime" , but occasionally? Not that you would want to do that- but just saying. You know, he couldve chosen someplace MUCH further away than only a half mile! (((((hugs))))).

Good night everyone, sweet dreams zzzzz......

Jgrind {{{{hugs and prayers}}} to you today. The only thing missing from your day is locust! what a day. I don't miss basements after hearing about yours flooding.
Wondering if you have had any additional coachbusting sessions with counselor? I would advice you to use them now for some solution based goals. Even with H bringing up atty papers etc, I think he is doing what he thinks is expected of him and with OW pushing this. My worry is that they will be 2 functioning alcoholics turning into non-function drunks. I would get legal advice from an atty. Also it might be worth putting in your papers that H cannot be drinking when he picks up the kids etc. You need to let him know it is not acceptable and you need to protect your own kids. With my H drinking again, I am going to tell him that he cannot drive with D even with one drink. I worry because Dallas plays tonight and my H has gotten in the habit of going to sports bar and drinking to oblivion. Part of it is because he has not told D's he is moving at the end of the month. he is overcome with guilt and I will not say anything to justify it. On the night we had argument, I said he has been so upset because he is not listening to God's plan. I said it is right in front of you and you do not see. As for stopping by I know he meant "not to stop by" that is because the OW works for him and if she gets "seen" they both would be fired. I am sure he will sneak her in after dark. It is so sleazy. Otherwise she has her own house across town and that is why he cannot move there. He chose to move out here because I mentioned how tough it will be for D if he moved clear across town. But did he have to find a place I have to drive by every day. Rip my heart out.
Also talk about a possibly 180. Maybe your H does not think you care for him anymore especially since he became emotionally detached. Sad you could not tell him you were diagnosed with depression last year. Shows how you both drifted. When I have done inventory on myself I see how many times I rejected H and not sure if I can overcome all the hurt and pain.
Today will be better. take care...

T2L, You asked me on your last thread what "piecing" means. It means during that time we were reconcilling. (By the way, threads lock after about 100 posts)

I don't want to hi-jack...but I thought I would give a little background. H moved in with OW shortly after meeting her. He seemed like a completely different person to me. I was devastated. I ended up getting another job in my hometown (about 1000 miles away from where we were) and moved about a month later. He filed right before I moved. I thought I would never see him again.

About 3 months later he called me out of the blue. He had driven here and wanted to see me. We decided to work on things and he left OW and moved here. We pieced for about 6 months...then he did it again (different OW). It seems he has a problem...which isn't the case with all of them, so don't let my sitch discourage you. I had had enough and filed myself.

I do think DBing works....have you read the book? What kind of things are you doing for yourself? I know it is extremely hard, especially when there is an OW and even more so when they are living together....but patience is key.

Hi everyone!

Thanks Hope for sending me a message about the thread!

Wow...last week was a long week for me...

T2L - Sorry to hear about the H behavior at the game...the more I hear everyone talking about their H the more I have to believe that aliens do possess them!!! It is almost as if their minds are erased and someone reprograms them into a person no one knows. Not even their own families know them. It is just so sad.

Twin - I feel for you and your girls. Just keep showing them all of your love and forget what the OW is doing. My sitch is the same with a 21 OW. Its like he completely turned his back on me and his family for this OW and the more she is there the harder it is because he is busy with her. He doesn't spend time alone with my D or his S. She is always there so he can easily forget about us because his life revolves around her. The only difference with me is that my D is 16 and she knows exactly what is going on so she has chosen not to talk to her dad at all since this has happened. He hasn't made that much of an effort either so she has detached even more from him. This is what hurts me the most because she thought the world of her dad. There was no one better than him and she loved being with him. He just has not realized what he has done to her. I'm not sure if he ever will because of his selfishness right now.

JGrind - I am so proud of you standing up for yourself to your H. He needs to hear it. They need to understand that there are boundaries they cannot cross. We deserve to be treated with respect and decensy. Let him get angry at you. He's getting angry because he cannot get his way anymore. You are not weak. That is what they want, they want us to be weak and once you stand up and say NO then all of a sudden its a different story.

My H signed the D papers on Thursday 9/11 (of all days). He said they will mail them to me or if I wanted I could go pick them up. I told him I didn't want to pick that up and that I had a lawyer. I found out also that he bought plane tickets for him and OW to go to Colorado next month. This is where she is from to meet her parents. Now I have to wonder why he wants a D so fast. Is he marrying her or is she pregnant.... I just still cannot believe all of this is happening. I think I am in denial. It feels like he will walk through the door at any moment.

I took the truck we had bought years ago away from him on Friday. I had to file bankruptcy (before all this happened) because of the financial mess we got ourselves into (mainly influenced by him) and since I bought the truck in my name and was paying for it I was not going to take the risk. He is carless now scrambling around to get a vehicle. He has bad credit and it is very unlikely he will get a loan. I thought to myself this is not my concern and I have to protect myself. Let the OW drive him to work every day since they work for the same company right? I am sure that will get old very fast.

And to think through all this I miss him and still love him. Would I take him back? That is something I would really have to think about. As much as my heart says yes there are so many other things to consider and so many other people that have been impacted by this. I really cannot answer that question right now but I will soon enough.

Keep GALing everyone!!!!!!! This is what will get you through!