Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again No more looking 4 Happy, Going to create it myself

BobbiJo - I too am so happy for you. You are one of the few on here that probably are going to stay married for the next 50+ years. I think when your kids are all grown, your H and yourself will look back on all this and be glad that you both fought to stay married.

As for Woog, I suspect he has been watching this movie a lot...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkHe2QyPvqI

Thanks, Kerry. Wow, 50+ years, right now I am just hoping we are still together at Halloween (guess I am still in "baby step" mode). I am not taking anything for granted, I still do not "breathe easy" about our marriage. I feel like that is the moment when all H*LL will break loose, once I get too "comfortable". Hopefully that will change down the road when more time has passed with good developments.

Speaking of good developments. I texted H good night at 11 last night, 10 Boise time. He had said he was going out to dinner and then bed, so I didn't expect anything. I heard my phone beeping at 3:00 a.m.

H texted me a long message that he had crashed in the hotel room at 8:45 and just woken up and gotten my message....

Then 5 minutes after that my phone went off again. Just a short message this time,

"I love you too and good night".

I am a dork but I still get excited at this point whenever those words ILY are visible to me from H...Next time I am tempted to make assumptions I will just re-read that message and try, and Jeff always tell me, to BE STILL........

BobbiJo - your post really rang true for me. Things are going well in my sitch, but hopefully one lesson I won't forget is not to take ANYTHING for granted, and NEVER get too comfortable. Those are things that allowed my R with W to wither. The work to nurture our M will never end, but it is a labor of love and one I hope I never tire of.

I used to never text W, but I do all the time now. And when I see those ILY's on my phone I still can't believe how things have turned around for us! People probably look at me and wonder what in the h*ll I am grinning about. I guess I am a dork, too.

Long live dorks!

Yes, long live dorks. I also save voicemails that contain ILYs, just so I can listen again if I want to....

hey BBJ,

Just got caught up......very, VERY happy for you...hope it does last 50+ years.

Bottom line is we should all strive for happiness. Some of us will be able to do that with our spouses by our side while others will have to find it elsewhere....it all starts from within, however. The day we all learn that happiness is not dependant on anyone else but ourselves, we will all be better off.

Thanks for keeping an eye on me....it means alot.

What a lovely bunch of posts!!! I too am very happy for you!! And your happiness is making me smile!! So keep up the hard work girlfriend, you're doing great!

Hugs,
W2G

YOU are doing such an amazing job. There is a reason folks say that piecing is the hard part. It's the "ever after" part that the fairy tales conveniently end with after they ride off into the sunset...

We've been back together for over a year now. Still-- I triggered when he had to go work in *her* town last week. Recent events have caused many old "friends" to call and inquire as to our well being. I know he isn't leaving. But dammit, I don't want him to call or answer-- I want to erase her. (he didn't, i know it, but this turns out not to be the point)

So, the other morning I felt horrible. I've been trying to find words of advice or encouragement for so many I care about that are in so much pain. I just wanted to wake up one flippin' morning and not think about *that time*. (and i do, and i have, i just don't remember so well what DIDN'T happen). anyway.

I logged on and saw YoYo's gratitude journal and read the posts. They were so heartfelt and poignant... I was suddenly grateful for the birds in the trees and salt in the salt shaker. Then I realized something else. I'm grateful for where we've been. I'm lucky I still have to try so hard. I'm grateful I have another chance with the tools and support that all of you have given me. I don't want to take this life for granted ever again.

So... while you're creating happy, there is a balance between feeling safe (and not REacting to the initial emotional triggers), but not so safe that you stop working and creating. I think you've found it BobbiJo and you should be really, really proud of yourself.

The nightmares do end.

Thank you so much, Deauxlie...

I hope the nightmares end. It is strange b/c H had a 6 week E/PA in 2003. It was a different experience for me b/c it was short term, I didn't know her, I never even saw her face, just talked on the phone to her a couple times and knew her name. She wasn't the great love of H's life, etc etc. I say it is strange b/c if he went to her town now on a business trip I wouldn't be the least bit concerned. I haven't even thought about the possibility of him speaking to her in at least 3 years....

But this time, it was "on" for over a year. He was caught many times and continued the A to the point of separation and plans for divorce, of us living in different places, him actually telling our then-5-yr-old son that we were not going to be living together any more. It was much more "real".

I also knew her and considered her a friend. I also caught them in the hotel so I had the mental images I didn't have the first time, etc. etc. I hope that time makes this one less significant in a lot of ways.

And yet, bc it was much more "Real" for me, I think that is why I am doing the hard work this time that we didn't do last time. Last time it was easier to sweep it under the rug and pray it never happened again, while never addressing what brought us to that point. H said he "didn't know" why he did it, and I stopped pressing for more than that.

I guess that is the lesson I would pass on to "newbies". Don't let it go, sweep it under the rug, etc. just b/c they come "back" and say it is "over". B/C even if the A is truly over, the issues that led to it are probably still there. So it could happen again...

Just saying I am not "glad" this happened, I don't think I will EVER be glad it happened. But I am glad I have learned more from this experience than the last time.......

BBJ...

What can I say girl, H continues to amaze me with his openness of the topics chosen. He is making steps in the right direction and that is through your willingness to allow his change. As we all need to remember there will always be little bumps in the road to jar situations, but it is how we decide to proceed with them to a positive outcome.

The past is just that the past, and at times we need to look at it to remind us of the direction we are going, not to stay angry or frustrated, but to show us what road has been traveled. To show us what we have accomplished so that we may continue on lifes journey with renewed acceptance and strength to carry on.

You're doing awesome

Brian

hey BBJ,
I am sure the nightmares will stop soon. I admire your tenacity to forge ahead.
Something you wrote above hit a nerve with me. Actually it is straight from the DB book. The issues that led to the EA......which i think tends to shift the blame to US....we all have issues. I think it is what we choose to do with the issues that distinguishes us from other mammals. After all, having an EA is a choice. Just like fighting for your marriage is a choice.
Keep up the good fight.