((((((((((Lisa)))))))))) Your hugs are always welcome!
(((((((BobbiJo))))))) That's the plan, I think!
(((((((Donna))))))) I'll be counting on you!
So, tonight before I went to bed I made a sweep through the family room, rather glasses and such to run the dishwasher. W was in there, watching a movie on her laptop, and sewing. I walked past, on the side where she could see I was there, and said something clever, like "How are you doing?" She nodded, and perhaps grunted. As I walked behind her I patted her shoulder. She nearly jumped out of her skin! She has some kind of issues, and I don't have a bloody clue! It's not like I snuck up on her!
Hey well done Jeff!!! Thats what you should be doing ! You share a house, its perfectly ok to ask her how shes doing...but, maybe next time, stop and ask her..and wait for her response? Hold the mirror up to her?
The way you described it, it sounded like a drive by greeting! You snuck up, said it as you swept past and kept going?! What if you tried next time actually going and finding he and asking her what she's doing..? And then ask, how she is? And engage her in a little conversation, despite her grunts or frowns etc.
I guess the touching thing might be because she has closed herself off to you emotionally and also, plhysically. So she has like an exclusion zone around her immediate body that she either doesnt expect you to, or want you to invade. Have you ever had any DB coaching? I know its alot of money and thats an issue, but I'm sure they'd be able to help you.
You are doing ace! You are getting braver...
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
So, tonight before I went to bed I made a sweep through the family room, rather glasses and such to run the dishwasher. W was in there, watching a movie on her laptop, and sewing. I walked past, on the side where she could see I was there, and said something clever, like "How are you doing?" She nodded, and perhaps grunted. As I walked behind her I patted her shoulder. She nearly jumped out of her skin! She has some kind of issues, and I don't have a bloody clue! It's not like I snuck up on her!
Jeff, I think you should just go with your gut. Don't overthink things. If you walk into a room and feel like saying hi, do it. If you feel like touching her shoulder, do it.
Dont worry about what her reaction might be. Just go for it. Do what feels right to you. She has kneejerk reactions to you. Throw her offguard and keep her wondering.
Some days, ask how she is, other days, dont. Just be your wonderful self. She is an uptight, unhappy person. Dont let it get to you, if you can help it, ya know.
In a way it was a drive by greeting, but it wasn't quite as abrupt as it sounded. That's about all the response she ever gives, unless she has something to complain about. The way she jumped, you'd think she didn't think there was another person within 50 miles. She is clearly sending a message.
So, I had C this morning, and talked about this little encounter. I have to say, the C isn't very optimistic, and I have to agree with her. W clearly does not want ANY physical contact. She has given up, if she ever really was interested. And I'm about there, too. We think that W may have always "used" me as a means to financial security, starting with a way out of her parents' home. Despite what FMO says, in her case I think security means financial security, not emotional security. Anyway, she stays in the current situation because it gives her the most financial security she can have, much better than if we got D'ed. But, she is, at this point, not interested in any kind of emotional relationship. I'm sure that there are things I did to help lead to this, but I am not sure that in the end any of them really mattered. I think she is angry, and I think I just had a thought as to why!
OK, how about this one..... brand new thought, nay be whacko! She is angry, and takes it out on me, because she sees herself as a prostitute! The whole relationship was her selling herself for financial security! And it's all my fault! (In her eyes.) No wonder she's angry at the world, if this is true.
Anyway, back to the C session. C said something about hoping that the M had not injured my self esteem. I laughed at her, and said that I didn't realize that she was a comedienne! She said that W had probably been able to use that against me for a long time. I think she is right. W knew that she could always "win" when we had a "discussion."
So, then the question becomes what do I do about it. I think I have to present a real separation as a possibility, but I really, really want to be able to do it in a way that does not endanger the commitment we've made to the kids. And that is the tricky part. But I think it has to be done, one way or the other. So, I am going to seriously crunch numbers, and figure out the best possibility that supports the kids, and doesn't ruin me. C suggested that it might be a good idea to figure out what the likely outcome would be if the "system" figured it out, and use that as the "worst case", in developing a better plan. It might help.
Hmm, Jeff, the idea of her as a prostitute is an interesting one and it would explain the anger. But she made the decision to do it, so she should take responsibility for it.
I am sorry that it has gotten to the point where a separation looks to be the only option. I think you have hung in a long time and you have suffered her coldness and snide remarks throughout.
You have tried a lot of things, of that you should be proud. I think that maybe a separation may lead her to look inward a bit. Or at least I hope it does.
Crunching of numbers is what I am doing this weekend, slso. Not a fun task and it seems to be a futile one in my case.
Anyway, you deserve some happiness, some affection, some acknowledgement - we all do.
You know we will all be here for you no matter what you decide.
((((((Donna)))))) Yes, she chose to do it, but if she has anger about it, she isn't going to direct it at herself!
I don't think there is any other choice, for now. If I wasn't such a chicken, or perhaps worried about living up to my comittment to the kids, I think I would have done something long ago. Maybe I'll buy her out, and rent the room to her!
